If she insists on moving out, should I help her with furnishings or money? I am stumped.
2007-09-27 16:06:18 · 17 answers · asked by MBA-MsBadAss 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Help her all that you can. Having her mad at you and making this an issue is not worth it.
2007-09-27 16:10:36 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
First things first, how long has she been with him and how well do you know him?
Council a bit of patience on her part. Ask her to give herself more time to make sure that this is the guy for her and that he will take care of her for the long run. Also, what about college or higher education? How will she feed herself, go to school and work all at the same time?
You should not help her financially. If she' feels that she is old enough to move out, she should also be old enough to pay her own way. You should also let her know that if she chooses to go, she can come home anytime.
2007-09-27 23:36:15 · answer #2 · answered by MisterO 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think about the reasons you're against it. Talk to her about it. Don't tell her what to do but tell her what you're afraid of and tell her what to expect. Providing for yourself financially is not an easy thing to do these days. Work up a budget with her so she'll see first hand what kind of money she'll need to bring in so she can live somewhat comfortably. Since she's moving in with her boyfriend you may want to include him in the budget planning. Factor in things like clothes, makeup, transportation and entertainment. At 18 these are often priorities.
If you have reservations about the boyfriend, tell her your concerns without accusing him of anything. Be open and honest with her and don't hold anything back. At the same time, don't issue edicts or ultimatums. She apparently feels like she's adult enough to take on the responsibility of living on her own so speak to her as you would any other adult. If you decide to help her with furnishings or money, make it a loan with terms for repayment. Don't expect her to actually repay it but draw up a contract as part of the responsibility of living on her own.
If you've done your job as her Mom, your daughter may just surprise you and show you how well you've done. She may be ready to take on this new life for herself. Or she may fail and need to come back home. Either way, be sensitive to her feelings. If things don't work out, help her see the lesson in whatever she experiences and be supportive. Don't ever say "I told you so". She feels she's ready to fly from the nest. Help her prepare for it so she'll have a fighting chance for success. Don't give her handouts but do help her if you're able. Just make sure she knows she has a responsibility to pay you back.
This is an opportunity for her to move up to the next level. Give her a little room to show you and herself what she can do. She may be surprised that Mom actually knows what she's talking about. But that won't happen if she doesn't have a chance to try. Best of luck. She's lucky to have such a loving Mom.
2007-09-27 23:27:25 · answer #3 · answered by innerradiancecoaching 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do not know the whole relationship with your daughter but I would not encourage her to move in with a guy. Does she want to move out because she is in love and can not wait to live her life with this guy or is she just itching to be independent and does know what to do with herself and this seems like a good start to the road of adulthood? Tell her that her love and time is far to percious to waste on some one that only wants to play house. If she insist that she loves him and he loves her and you do not understand then there are a few options. Quickly down load a domestic agreement they are all over the internet and have them both sign it and have it noterized this will save a lot of headaches and will also guage the guys and your daughters' seriousness about each other these agreement and the clear cut defining what is hers what is his and what will be shared will save a lot of heart ache and head ache. Help her understand the terms of her lease. Make sure her name is on the lease!! Do not get an apartment she can not afford on her own! Boyfriends and roommates often flake out when you need them and it is important that she be able to handle herself when the chips are down. These are adult choices she about to make. Finally get to know the boy and his family. Are they for or against this? Will they make a good ally in helping her stay home or move in with a same sex roommate. Find out if he has a criminal record or any violent behavior many live in girl friend find themselves the victims of domestic violence and the police brush them off because they just live together. As for what else you can do stay in touch with her do not cut her off. A girl with out the proctection of her family is a crime waiting to happen. As for the furniture sure give it to her the old furniture no one uses and the money no way do not fund something you do not agree with besides what is he doing? He is taking your daughter out of her home and away from her family shouldn't he be spending this money to move her? Again adult choices and now more than ever she is going to have to learn fiscal responsiblility.
2007-09-28 00:09:28 · answer #4 · answered by fox in locks 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is 18. If you don't want her to move out, don't give her furnishings or money. If she thinks she is big enough to move out, she is big enough to provide for herself. She may not be gone long. As a parent who has been in this same situation except I have boys, I take them a home cooked meal often, and still help them with medical expenses. That's it from me.
They pay their rent, utilities, and auto expenses including insurance. They must grow up and learn responsibility, and it won't happen if we pay their way. I don't feel I'm condoning their choices, they know what I wanted and suggested they do but they had to do it their way.
2007-09-27 23:14:11 · answer #5 · answered by onceisenoughilearnedmylesson 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When my 19 year old daughter wanted to move out and get an apartment with the boyfriend she'd known since Junior High, against my better judgment I let her go and helped them set up the apartment. She would have went anyway. With my help I knew she had sheets on the bed and food in the refrigerator. They ended up married with two children. The more you bulk the more she'll be drawn to him. Don't make her choose between you and the boyfriend. At her age, she'll choose him.
2007-09-27 23:16:16 · answer #6 · answered by Classy Granny 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't help her out...She has to learn how to make it on her own. I moved out with my bf when I was 18 also...(He is now my hubby of two years!) I am now 22...But when I moved out my parents weren't all about it...they didn't give me money...they did give me some of their old furniture that was in the garage...but nothing really worth anything..just a few things to get me started....I had my own Job..my own car that I paid for as well as car insurance...My bf and I split the rent and utilities....I think if you think you are "grown" enough to move out..you are "grown" enough to take care of yourself finacinally. So my advice to you is don't make a big deal about it...but sit down with her and tell her that you will not be helping her with money..If she is going to move out then she is going to be a Big Girl and pay her own way...I hope this helps!
2007-09-27 23:42:11 · answer #7 · answered by kristen_jones1986 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to spell a few things out to your daughter:
Moving in with a boyfriend is not a good idea. That is selling yourself short. She will wind up giving him sex, doing all the household chores, paying half the bills, and taking most of the risks of sex... and he will have absolutely no impetus to go ahead and marry her because she are already giving him the full benefits of a wife without the commitment... never mind that he will be risking being saddled with child support for the next 18-20 years.
On top of that, living together as a couple for "X-amount of time" makes you common-law married in most states. She can be saddled with his debts. If he dies, she won't have the ability to collect the life insurance, and if he is on life support, won't have the ability to pull the plug... yet they can hold her responsible for all the hospital bills. On top of that, if it all blows up a few years down the line, she will still probably have to get a divorce just to get the credit stuff separated.
So there you have all the risks and none of the benefits.
Yes, she can move out on her own, but don't move in with a boyfriend without at least an engagement ring and a set wedding date. Either way she needs to keep her bank and credit completely separate from his.
I would really suggest getting copies of some of the state's marriage laws... drop by the bookstore and get the latest copy of your state's DIY divorce guide... lots of good information in there.
2007-09-27 23:31:26 · answer #8 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Yes the best we can do with our children is arm them with the courage and ability to undertake their own choices in life and live by them. In doing that do not sacrifice your relationship with your daughter although a safety net I have always used is a stipulation that if there is at any point a breakdown in the relationship that all items you have provided be returned along with your precious child of course good luck.
2007-09-27 23:17:42 · answer #9 · answered by NZ Kuia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I assume you are against it because you want your daughter to make better, moral decisions. I agree with you. If your daughter doesn't hear the truth from her mom, who else is going to tell her?
I would not go "above and beyond" to help her. The help you do give should be prefaced with "I don't approve but I respect your right to make a decision, even a wrong one".
I'm saying this for myself (19 yo daughter) as much as for you but... I would not abondon her. That tells her your love is conditional. Don't be enabling but don't abandon her either.
She isn't learning from her own experiences if you remove obstacles and protect her from the consequences..
2007-09-27 23:23:48 · answer #10 · answered by SolaFide 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should not give her money, but I would giver her emotional support and let her know that you are there for her. If you don't then you might alienate her. But as for money, no, when she moves out she becomes responsible for herself. I would maybe give her any furniture that you are not using but I would not buy her anything. Good luck with it.
2007-09-27 23:12:35 · answer #11 · answered by ~Kayla S~ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋