How do I cope with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years who has long term depression? I feel I am at a crossroads?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend in an open relationship for nearly 3 years. But I am finding it hard to see a future since he has been on antidepressants for nearly 5 years now. We don't seem to do anything and somedays he prefers to be alone which I know is the nature of the illness. It also has an impact on his kids when they come to stay at his on their weekend

Thanks for the responses so far. It is not that I don't love or care for him I do and very much so, it is just that at times I feel I care too much and sometimes very little comes back. I feel like I am doing all the work in terms of supporting him but when the problems are reversed little comes back. He is on medication which I thought would control his moods, but I am beginning to think I don't know if it is depression or just his nature since I have only ever known him on Anti Depressants.

Answer 1

Depression is hard to deal. I would know. Just give him love and support as much as you can, because thats what he really needs. He probably feels very alone and can't feel your love. I couldn't. So you need to poyr open your heart, so he can feel at your love at all.

If you can't do that, say bye. Cuz thats what he needs.

Answer 2

Unfortunately by its nature depression and many mental illness's are selfish. That he can't/won't/chooses not to return your input into the relationship is, I'm afraid, something you have to accept and live with or not. Someone who has been ill for this length of time is unlikely to change in the short term and so you need to consider this carefully. I would suggest that you need a complete break away from him - a holiday abroad where you can get some sun, sea and time to relax and think would be ideal. You need to think seriously about how you want your future to be and if he can be a part of it. If he can't leave him and move on. You will never forget him, probably always feel slightly guilty, but its YOUR life and YOUR choices.

Answer 3

If he is still depressed after 5 years in treatment, maybe he needs a second opinion from a different psychiatrist. He might respond better to a different medication. Most people have to try two or three different medications and or try them if different combinations. Depression is an illness that is very hard to get over, but don't give up, many people get better after lots of frustrating "trial and error."

Answer 4

What a dilemma, Depression is a serious illness and not one that is easy to get out of, now I am not medically qualified but would suspect that he has become drug dependant as well, remember the anti-depressants are to keep him down, dishing out pills is the easy way out, I wish I could say to you get him to leave the pills alone for a week and see how he gets on, that is what I would do but as I mentioned I am not medically qualified, I really do feel for you and for those people that turn round and say pull yourself together to people with Depression it really is an illness.
Ken

Answer 5

dont take this rong way but i no sum1 who gets like that, and shes a mentally ill person. i can undastand in a way how u feel and how frustrating it all is. all u can can do is try n be as patient as u can and let ur boyf no that u are a;ways there 4 him no matter what and you will try ur very best to help him get better. also tell him how u feel about him aswell. the other things u could do is talk to him, give him lots of love, hugs, kisses because that wat he needs rite now. if you dont now why he is depressed, talk to him about it. wen he wants to be alone, u and the kids cud out to the park or something 4 a break n some fresh air or u cud go 4 a drink or something with ur mates. also wen he wants to be alone, u cud try n keep yourself occupied aswell. hope ur partner gets better soon

Answer 6

You sound like a lovely person. You really really do.

I can only tell you it from my side of the fence. I have depression and my boyfriend is lovely about it, even when I just want to be alone etc, however we don't talk about it. I know guys are worse than females for talking about their feelings. I don't talk about it because I feel that I'm already too much of a pain and that he dosen't want to hear about it. But I wouldn't know for definite because I've never asked him!

I spend a lot of the time just sitting in the house doing nothing, but he does make an effort to drag me out places which helps me a lot. It seems a bit forced but it's kind of like medicine to me, it has to be bad to be good. Not saying that you should drag him out all the time as people are different, try it and see what reaction you get.

And you can try talking to him, I know that if my bf came to me and said, "look, I really love you but we need to sort this out" I would listen to him, because I genuinely want it to work and get over my depression. If you mention it to him, and about his kids on a good day rather than a rotten one for obvious reasons.

Good luck hon, I really hope it all works out.

Answer 7

I am a bit teary eyed imaging your situation.

All I can recommend is listen to loving suggestions for a while then stand apart from them... Look deeply into your heart (beyond the conditioned mind that tries to imprison you with ungodly guilt and obligations) and do what your loving wisdom tells you to do ... in full knowledge of you and the situation.

You will know and you will have the strength to do it...whichever way you decide to go.

I like the suggestion someone else gave of a holiday. That may give you space to clear the fog and find the strength that you need.

Don't forget that while you may feel and donate compassion and care for others you need to have compassion and care for yourself too, for you are your own responsibility.

Good luck bella.

Answer 8

if its an open relationship you need to start thinking of your children .. i think you are frustated because you cannot change him even though you love him
.some times tou have to be cruel to be kind he needs to help himself now you must think of your children ,maybe the tablets arnt working he should see his gp maybe think about counselling . Is there a reason why he is depressed does he drink take drugs what issues from life does he have . he needs motivation and if the kids cant or you cant he needs to look inside himself and confront his problems if he can do this he may get better but he needs to want to get better good luck and i hope that made sense speaking from experience take care xxxx

Answer 9

His depression has in my opinion carried over to you. You say you love him and that you would do anything for him so do this, stay beside him and support and be ever so patient, because the guy you fell in love with will come back to you but for heavens sake if your confused or having regrets or even worse staying out of pity, be fair to both yourself and your boyfriend and let him go.

Answer 10

I think you are saying you dont want to continue with this and you are feeling guilty about it. You are not responsible for his actions no matter what. You have to do what is best for you. Because if you are not happy, you can not help him be happy. You are just enabling his mania by being sad.

However if you feel he is worth staying with then learn to help. Realize that some depression is not based on events but is a condition that may be with him his whole life. Read books on it and learn.