Fourteen year old boy acting out?

Question

Failing classes in school (biology)
Stays up late at night on "myspace" when he's supposed to be sleeping.
Makes a public scene when he doesn't get what he wants....

My fiance asks my thoughts on this.

His mother (fiance's X) is a bit of a control freak....
The expectations the parents have seem a bit harsh.....
get straight A's and get a scholarship for college.
I said what if he doesn't want to go to college?

No one has asked him what he wants or what his thoughts are... about anything. all his life decisions are made for him.

What are some of your thought on this?

Answer 1

First and foremost, he's a normal teenager, and if that's all you're dealing with so far, consider yourself lucky!! (grin)

Talk to your fiance about lightening up on the kid.. especially if his parents are asking for perfection. No teenager wants to be held to someone else's standard.. especially when they aren't consulted on their own future. Tell your fiance to have a sit-down with his son just to talk about his future... asking what HE wants out of life. Tell him to remind his son (in a caring, non-lecturing manner) that his grades in high school have a direct effect on college, IF he plans on going.

Tell your fiance that the best way to approach his son about his future is to ask him about his hopes, dreams, desires, etc... and then offer to help him get started in attaining them. Offer to help map out a good strategy, based on HIS wants. Just keep in mind that in teens' lives, their friendships are more important than their grades... you're not able to change this perspective, so don't try. Try instead to encourage him to reach for his dreams.

Teens also tend to want more freedom in their choices, friendships, evenings, etc... see if your fiance is willing to help him out in that department, too. Remind your fiance that he'll eventually want grandchildren, and if his son is not allowed to foster a relationship with a girlfriend, it won't ever happen. :P

Suggest a schedule like this: after school, 1 hour of "fun" time, where he can relax in any manner he sees fit. After that, he needs to get his homework done before dinner. If, after dinner, he wants to make plans to go see a movie or something, he has to clear them with Dad and be home by XX:00, shower after, and into bed, lights out. Weekend schedule: internet is OK in the afternoon, but MUST be shut down by dinnertime. No more late-night "MySpace", or the computer is removed from his room. Or, you could recommend what MY mother did when *I* was up all hours of the night online... cancel the internet altogether.

Most of all, be open, understanding, and willing to listen. I heard a quote last week that said something along the lines of "Some people listen with the intent to hear, and some people listen with the intent to respond." Hear him, he likely wants his parents to know who he is, not just what he does. Voice of Experience here.... e-mail me if you want details.. but I know what it's like to be the "misunderstood, cracked-down-on teenager." I can honestly say, teens are looking for trust, not bars from their parents.

Good Luck... and feel free to e-mail me for detailed, one-on-one if any of this is helpful.

Answer 2

well at 14 i assume he is in high school? do you remember what it was like during the first years of high schools? especially the beginning. high school uis a very trying time on teens. it is still early enough into the school year that he can actually switch to another class. if not possible you need to sit down and have a good talk with him. he should not stay up on myspace especially at night. does he have a comp in jhis bedroom? if so TAKE IT OUT!!! it does no good in there. and at 14 he needs to learn to act his age. acting out when he does not get his way is pretty immature. setting any expectations for as child is wrong. let the child set their own expectations and support them one hundred percent in whatever they choose. if they are steering the right way give them a little push back on track. a teen needs to know that their parents still love them and will back them up when they need it. a child not only needs the mom and dad as parents but as a friend as well. and he doesnt necessarily need to go to college. sure times are getting tougher and more of an education is desirable by employers....but there are also other things he can do with his life. he may not even need college for his future career. Talk to him. The best way to know what it is going on with him.

Answer 3

I would tell him if he is going to act like a baby he will be treated as one. No tv, computer or anything like that in his bedroom and he will have a certin bedtime. If he makes a scene in public, I would continue the baby-ish punishment, leaving the store with nothing with him kicking and screaming.

Your fiance and his x need to get together on the punishment. Wanting good grades for college there is nothing wrong with it pushing for stright A's can put alot of stress on someone.
As for decideing about college. Well as someone who didn't go myself I'm going to push for my children to attend college.

Answer 4

Kids need to be challenged and kids need boundaries. You need to come up with a list of rules/practices that are non-negotiable. If you feel that a bedtime is one of those make sure you let the boy know of your expectation and the consequence for violating that rule. The key is to follow through on the consequence.

Kids at 13-15 are just begining to ask questions about who they are and what they want. Once they find out what they're all about, it will change 10 more times before they leave high school. I believe in the earlier poster's idea that kids should be given free will and should be supported in their decisions, however, teenagers don't always have the fore-sight to see the consequences of their actions and don't know what they want nor what is best for them. You obviously care for him and sooner or later he will realize that when you follow through on something with him that it is out of love.

As a teacher, I may be biased in believing that he should go to college, but it is not for everyone. As far as I have it figured out, you go to elementary school to learn basic skills, (adding, subtracting, hand-writing, social skills), in high school you learn who you are and what you believe in (athletics, politics, clubs, activities) and in college you learn how to learn (life-long skill) and you get to test "who you are" in the real world and see if you are who you thought you were. Just my educational philosophy.

Answer 5

I think this is stupid guys have this stereotype, I (and 98% of my guy friends) matured at 8 or 9, and even before then, I didn't do the stupid stuff immature boys did. So STOP stereotyping all men! It is ANNOYING hearing people consider ALL of us boys immature. I am not behind the girls, I am at the same speed.

Answer 6

I think its normal for a 14 year old to act that way. He is asserting his independence. Its better than never acting out and turning into Seymor Skinner.

Answer 7

Try the time out technique.
1. When he misbehaves, get down to his level and in a firm authoritative voice (without yelling) give him a warning. "You do not (insert behavior). If you (insert behavior) again and you will go in time out."

2. If she does it again, place her on the naughty chair. Get down to her level and explain why he's on the naughty chair. "(Insert name), you are placed on the naughty chair because you (insert behavior) when I asked you to stop. You will stay here for X minutes." 1 minute per year age. 4 year olds gets 4 minutes. 2 year olds get 2 minutes.

3.If he gets up then walk him back without giving him eye contact and reset the timer until he stays there for X minutes. Reset the timer and he will have to do X minutes over again.

4. If she happens to lock herself in a room while getting up from time out, wait until she comes out and once she comes out, immediately place her back in time out.

5. Once X minutes passed, come back, get down to his level and explain why he was placed on the naughty chair, you were placed on the naughty chair because you did not listen to mommy when I asked you to stop (insert behavior). What do you say?" If he does not apologize, he will not get up and he will do the naughty chair again and you repeat the process. Hug your child and never mention this behavior again.

Here are videos on how to do the time out correctly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2NWl-nWQwE&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvnhniamk_E&feature=related

Answer 8

Use condoms.