Terminal cancer....very tough question to answer?

Question

My dad has been battling melanoma for about 2 years now. Everything was in remission. We thought it was all ok. About 2 months ago, he started having major pains in his abdomen. We found out yesterday his cancer is back and has spread everywhere. They are telling me it is in his pancreas, so it's like he has pancreatic cancer. They are calling in hospice now. He is going to come and stay with me because I will not let him go into a hospice home. I have an 8 year old and a 2 month old baby. They are telling me he has anywhere from 1 week to 5 months to live. My question is how bad physically is he going to get. Right now, he can walk around and eat (although he doesn't eat because it hurts him too bad). So is he going to end up just lying in a bed all the time not being able to move? Is he going to be throwing up alot? Bowel movements in the bed? Become unaware of what is going on around him?

The reason I ask these questions is the doctor just tells me the will manage his pain, and he may stay sedated. I plan on talking to my 8 year old this evening and try to get her ready for what is to be expected....what she might see. Right now he is talking and everything. I have tried researching what the stages are of actually dying, and I can't find anything. Have any of you lived with/watched someone actually die from cancer? Please don't sugar coat this. I know it is going to be very hard, I am just trying to prepare myself and my family for what is about to come.

Answer 1

each individual goes thru the dieing process uniquely, so there isn't anyone that can tell you exactly what will happen. But there are several things that might happen that I can make you aware of. As the disease progresses, he will need more and more pain medication, the result of this is that he will indeed be sedated a good deal of the time, and spend more and more of his time in bed. As the disease progresses and he is unable to eat, he will become weaker and weaker, again requiring him to spend a majority of his time in bed. Depending on how long it takes the disease to kill him, you could have to deal with cleaning up after a bowel movement, or vomiting. You will need to reposition him every two hours in an effort to prevent bedsores, which would only add to his pain. The doctor may be willing to help you out by having a urinary cathetar inserted into his penis so you won't have to clean that up too once he is bedridden. If you will not consider a hospice facility, then let me urge you to bring in additional help, like a homecare aide. Hospice nurses will take care of his pain management, but things like changing his bed, bathing him washing him after he messes himself, they will not do. For that you need an aide, if only to help you.
As the need for pain medication goes up, his awareness will diminish, he may not know you or anyone in your family, he may become fearful and combative. The doctor can order sedatives to calm him if this happens, but you will have to deal with it in the meantime. Seriously, reconsider admitting him to a facility, they are prepared to take care of him, and nothing will prevent you from visiting as often as you like.

Answer 2

My Grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer and lived 8 months, in the last 2 he was on heavy pain meds and become a bit swollen and was not able to move from his bed. You need to see if you can get hospice in home and that way a nurse can help deal with a lot of the changes he will be going through. Just remember to tell yourself and your daughter that this is the most important time you have ever spent with him so don't take any moment for granted even if it is changing dirty linens. Make this the best time of his life by being all you can be for him and making him know it. Don't sulk around because he is dying, celebrate every moment he has or he will already feel dead and save the grieving for after when you should be. I hope you will take this advice or you will always regret this hard time and not look back on your dad's last days fondly, but with disdain. I am so truly sorry for your ordeal and will pray for your dad as well as your family!

Answer 3

Each person is a little different. So I don't think you can be fully prepared.

Since you asked for no sugar coating, my grandfather died of pancreatic cancer and was in the hospital for months. He lost a lot of weight and became weak to the point that he could not get out of bed. In his final days, he screamed almost continuously. To look at him during these times, it was like he wasn't there and wasn't aware of what was happening or what he was doing.

Now, I don't know that everyone goes through that, but it is a possibility.

I would not settle for the doctor just telling me "we will make him comfortable." Talk to the doctor and tell him not to hold anything back and give you the full truth of what to expect. If that gets you no where, talk to the head of the hospice you are involved with and ask them for information.

Even though I know you're busy, you might want to see if there are support groups in your area for people who have lost loved ones to cancer. They may be able to give you more accurate information and will be able to support you and help you through this time.

Be careful of being to open and honest (and scary) towards your daughter about what's going to happen to her grandpa. She's only 8 and this could really mess her up. I would say let her know what is happening to an extent but be careful not to use her as your outlet or sounding board. During the worst of it, you may see if friends can take care of your kids for a little while. That way you are not overwhelmed and you kids are a bit more protected from what is happening.

Good luck and you will be in my thoughts.

Answer 4

Hospice is not the same as a nursing home. They vary, but at the best they are experts in providing comfort to the dying. It doesn't have to be a hospice home, they can come in and give advice on pain management and aspects of care like special gel dressings for bed sores, etc. They can help for arrange for a hospital bed to be delivered or other equipment or supplies.

You are going to need help, you haven't mentioned any siblings, other relatives, nor a husband. Unless your father dies very quickly there is no way one person can single handedly manage an infant, an 8 year old and a terminally ill person. You will need advice, expertise and help. Start getting it lined up now.

Answer 5

My Mum died 2 weeks ago from cancer. I will tell you my version of how Mum was but please understand everyone is different depending on where the cancer is. Mum was diagnosed in May this year with kidney liver and lung cancer. It was very aggressive and because it was in the liver made her extremely nausea. We had hospice care also, they help but still the majority of the work was left to the family. My Mum for the last 2 months could not walk, she couldnt stand up from the toilet she had to be lifted (she was dead weight) She didnt eat (or ate very little) for about the same amount of time due to the nausea from the liver (tumor in the liver was 12cm big) Mum didnt throw up much only towards the very end when her body was shutting down. She lost control of her bowels and bladder. Not in bed but more when she tried to move around. We just got her incontinence pads, but we still had to clean her up. We showered her, pretty much did everything at the end she couldnt do anything for herself. It is a very cruel disease, and im sorry you have to go thru it. Please contact me if you need to.

Answer 6

I think that's tough to predict Heather.
We get a sort of romantic notion of dying at home peacefully like in the movies, but it doesn't always work out that way.
My mom was a breast cancer patient and it went to her central nervous system and brain. It took them a little time to figure it out, though other spots had showed up.
Her legs gave out from under her, she slipped in and out of delusion, lost control of her functions and stopped being able to talk. She looked uncomfortable but never seemed quite in pain.. perhaps the fact that it went to her nervous system was a blessing in disguise in cutting off the pain. Also, brain disfunction could have brought on a possible violent temper.. but again, that fortunately didn't happen. That spanned for about a month. She basically stopped breathing.
I think that she was much better off in a hospice. I don't think I could ever have handled that w/a visiting nurse. For instance, at one point she had difficulty breathing and still had life force. How would I have felt if there was no nebulizer for her?
As far as I see it.. and I haven't seen other cases, many things could happen that you and your family may not be able to handle psychologically, physically, drugwise, equipmentwise, and for sheer lack of medical knowledge.
I say do what you can as long as you can and face the probability that you may need a hospice.
Does he have a DNR (do not resuscitate) order? I think that's important to have even in a hospice.
Are you his medical proxy? (so that you can make medical decisions if/when he can't?)
These are two important legal issues to have documented to avoid problems

Written Later: Ok Heather, I think I understand better now.. I think that what you and your doctor are talking about is terminal sedation (TS). I don't know much about this, but I will read on.. As far as I see, one setback would be the possibility of death by dehydration/starvation.. could you face that? My brother and I argued about IV fluids and he had medical proxy.. I was very uncomfortable worrying about dehydration, but in the end at the time he told them to stop IV, it didn't factor in. Remembering it almost makes me angry at my brother all over again. Without reading further, I start to think.. when would you decide to do it? What if other problems started before pain? How does your father feel about it? What if some form of infection occurred? What if an allergic reaction occurs? (That put me on a trip.. Mom's reaction to lidocaine)
I feel a little cruel about bringing these things to mind, but I tell ya, Mom and I didn't discuss the possibilities and when the time came, she couldn't speak or reason. It was a heavy trip.
One reason I'm willing to read and learn so much is that I'm a cancer survivor and what's more I never took the surgery I was told to have about 5 years ago (I found another way to gain remission)

Answer 7

My aunt had the same exact situation with my uncle (her husband). He too had cancer that spread to his pancreas, giving him pancreatic cancer.

I didnt experience this first hand, but heard from my aunt.

First off, ill start by telling you it took him 2 months from his diagnosis date to pass on. After being diagnosed, he rapidly declined, and was going to be sent to hospice, but my aunt wouldnt allow that. They set up a hospital bed in their house immediately. For the first 2 and a half weeks, he was in pain, but was able to talk, and eat. Into the third week, he became bed ridden because he was too sick to walk around. At this point he wouldnt eat much because he was too nauseas, and it hurt to swallow. He had to use a bed pan, but sometimes he didn't have control over going to the bathroom.
By the fourth week, things were very slowly, but steadily declining. At this point, he tried to eat, but couldnt keep it down. He could speak, but was too weak to say much. It stayed about the same for another 3 weeks. The final week before he died, he was pretty much a zombie. Alive, but not there.
When he finally passed on, it was due to choking on his own vomit, which smelled like feces. There was nothing my aunt could do to help him at this point, it was a pretty gruesome death according to her.
I would suggest hiring a part time nurse, if you dont have any medical experience. My aunt is a nurse, that is why she didn't hire one. Plus, during the last stages of ones life, they need around the clock care. With having children at young ages, that can be very hard. If you can't afford a nurse, maybe ask another family member for help.
I hope that gave you a little insight on what to expect. You must be a very loving individual to take in your father like that. He is very lucky to be spending his last days with you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 8

I am so sorry for what you are going through and going to have to go through. I can explain a little bit just through my personal experience. Last year my mom passed away after living with breast cancer for 9 years. When her doctor said she had about three months, on a Monday she was up walking around, by Wednesday she was in alot of pain and couldn't get out of bed, her Dr. said we should call Hospice, we had her stay at home and they just came in to her home.

She was still able to talk to us, was very weak and on alot of pain medication, by Thursday, she was a little less coherent and that night she had slipped into a coma and was doing what I heard was called involuntary breathing. She passed early the next morning. It just seemed to go so fast, three days before she was talking and laughing with us.

As far as throwing up and not being able to use the bathroom I am not sure, when my mom was bed ridden it was only a few days and she didn't even go to the bathroom.

I am sorry for you and your kids it is really tough, I still think about my mom every day, if you want to talk you can message me, I have three kids that went through this too. I am so sorry.

Answer 9

My sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on 7/20. she is doing radiation and chemo now. the doctor told me after her Whipple surgery that no one has a crystal ball to say when someone is going to pass. this type of cancer from everything that i m reading and all my YA friends seems to be very fast and pain less. if there was pain, my sister would have been diagnosed alot earlier. I agree with every one so far that it will be in your and your family's best interest to put you dad in a hospice or have a nurse / aid to come to your house to help you. this is going to be very stressful on your entire family. your dad knows that you love him and that you are going to care for him, but you do have a family that needs you too. my prayers are with you and your family on the road that we are traveling down now. please remember to take care of you ..... that is very important to do.

Answer 10

hey chick my mum died on thursday from metastatic cancer and i watched her die.
it is HORRIFIC to say the least, nobody should watch anybody die, please try and reason with your dad and get him in to a hospice, my mum wouldnt hear of it and really they are the best to places go, the staff are fantastic and are propaly equipt to deal with really sick people, and also they are not emotionaly attatced to that person which also makes it soo hard, watching a loved one suffer is terrible.
i was with my mum from start to finish , i also have 2 young babies, you don't need to go thru this alone and i'm sure deep down your dad knows you cant cope, you must seek help and get your dad the care he deserves. My mum ended up on morphine as soon as she became really ill so in all honesty she didnt suffer from her point for too long, she was very drugged up until she never regained conscience but i cant speak for your dad or how his illness will end up.

All the best my thoughts are with you, but dont suffer alone xxx