How can I tell my brother's fiance that she is being unrealistic without hurting her feelings?

Question

My brother just found out that he is going to be a daddy. He is 23 years old and his fiance is 21. She is the baby. She has 2 older sisters and 2 older brothers and 2 older half sisters. She was spoiled rotten to say the least. My family has always been able to "get by". She has decided that she wants to go anywhere from 50-100 miles away for each doctor visit and to have the baby...this of course will cost a lot in gas. She only makes 150/week if she continues to work. They do not have their own home yet mind you. She has also made mention that eventhough she is reluctantly willing to get on medicaid that she does not want anything to do with WIC because that is for "nasty people" and she doesn't want to take any "stupid parenting classes". She just mentioned to my mother that she plans to get a Vera Wang Diaper Bag...I am so outraged. None of her siblings have any children and she being so childish and unrealistic. How do I get through to her?

She also says that she is going to have a c-section that she is not squeezing anything out of her...can you electively have a c-section?

Answer 1

Befriend her!! That is what I did when I was in this SAME situation! Of course, I didn't change her completely, but she did get better. As she & I became closer friends (we really did) I could give my opinion more as a friend. I would say "I would love to go shopping but Im trying to be responsible & not make things so hard on my hubby"
You could say things like "I would like to get that diaper bag for you but I really need to be more practical & think more grown up" and while looking at clothes you could say "I would like to dress my baby in designer clothes but It's really not practical" (say I & ME instead of YOU) You could say "I know WIC may seem bad but it really isn't. That way, you have money for other things. I have also said things like "My brother is so crazy about you. I have never seen him like this before. He just worries sometimes b/c of money & wants to provide well for you & the baby" You could say "My brother wants you to feel comfortable with your Dr, He just worries about the gas money & you driving that far when you are in your last trimester"
I know this is probably NOT what you want to do!! You probably want the whole mess to go away but that's not going to happen. Try to make the best of it.
I wish you luck!! I know how hard it is!!!

Answer 2

Its none of your business unless your brother brings you into it. i hate to say that because i have some of the same problems except its my sister in law shes 17 not married not pregnant (thank goodness) but shes lazy. Anyways she may not change and chances are when the baby gets here she will still want to spend more money on herself and the baby or not the baby at all because hes got alot of stuff from alot of people, you know, like she didnt get anything from them at baby showers it was all for the baby. she may not be a good mother and be a total witch or she could be perfect and do everything for the baby. just because babies come dont mean people change. and let her parents buy the expensive bag itll be gone in amonth anyways for a different one.
ive changed diaper bags 10 times if not more. as far as wic she can do online classes

Answer 3

If you want to say on friendly terms with her, you don't. Let her fantasize for a little while. Reality will hit soon enough. She will be up for the 2 am feedings, fighting stretch marks, etc. She's young and likes to dream. Let her enjoy it for a while. Oh, you might want to show her a link to some knock-off Vera Wang Diaper Bags so she doesn't spend the money on a real one, but do it in a friendly look what I found way, like a sister. Good luck and congratulations to her and your brother.

Answer 4

You can have an elective c-section. But afterwards It's a hell of a lot more painful! (I've had natural and unplanned c-section, vaginal is much easier IMO). I'm also on WIC, and you don't have to take parenting classes, persay, just classes about proper nutrition for you child (which she should learn anyway). Reality will set in really quickly, especially when they start shopping for the baby (a crib, car seat, clothes, diapers... everything adds up really quickly!) Try to find someone with a baby, and introduce them. Or give your brother the realty check first (take him to Babies R US, that opened my husbands eyes real quick.

Answer 5

Well, since your brother is the one that has to foot the bill, he needs to put said foot down right on her spending habits. If she don't like it, she can hit the road. I was on WIC here and I also got on it when I lived in Germany. Nothing wrong with that. I was on Medicaid with my first born because my husband was not in the military yet. What makes me mad is people who get on public assistance who don't need it.. anyway that's a whole nother subject..

your brother really needs to set her straight. I get that he doesn't want to upset her but she is going to run him broke and then she'll do nothing but insult him and say he's not a man cause he's not providing to the level she wants. She's gonna lose this family that she just started if she doesn't stop being so selfish.

Make sure your brother does not give her a credit card please!!!!

Answer 6

The best thing you can do is sit down with her and maybe your brother with a pen and calculator. Write down a budget and show her what it is going to cost. Remember if that does not work, she will wake up in due time because when the money is not there, there is nothing you can do. I mean she can claim all she wants that she is going to get a Vera Wang Bag but when she tries and there is no money, she will get the picture. Remember right now.. it is all talk.

Answer 7

This is a world view issue that so many are caught up in today, and one that is not easily changed. You can tell her that she would be spending too much money on gas, the diaper bag, etc, when they only have a low income. This will probably not work because her world view of having to have a certain status and her care of how she looks to others. This very thing is destroying families all over. If she can be free from the opinions of others, EVERYTHING will change. good luck.

Answer 8

Well i cant think of any nice ways to tell her. But it does sound like she isnt ready for a child by any means. She needs all the financial support she can get. And WIC could help her out greatly. I know that when my sister had her baby, that she needed those WIC checks. They pay for food and diapers and things. She needs to reconsider this whole thing.

Answer 9

Some dr's do let you have a c-section if you want (i know someone who was very persistant about it, and she got her way). Not sure thats the dr I'd want to go to though. And yes, she will have quite and awakening when she realizes that having a baby isn't cheap. . . Ultimately I think your brother will have to just put his foot down on what he thinks is/isn't reasonable as far as where the dr is located and what things they buy for the baby. I'm not sure it's your place to say anything. If your brother wants to marry a "childish, unrealistic person" as you say she is. . .there not much you can do to change her.

Answer 10

I'm sad to say that I don't think there is anything YOU can do. The only thing that could possibly get through to someone that spoiled is for people to stop spoiling them. Of course, it doesn't sound like her family is likely to stop enabling her to get most of what she wants. But wouldn't it be nice if she had to see what it was like to truly make it on her own and to NEED the help of that "nasty" WIC? (I can't believe she said that is for "nasty people"!!!!) Maybe then she'd swallow a little bit of her pride.