Is it easier to handle kids with both parents being present?

Question

I am finding it hard to handle my teenage daughter. She is 15 and does not want to cooperate with me for anything.

She refuses to get up on time or study when she should. Then, she cries because she did not get anything done.

She was living with her father from age 10 to 15 and I had a chance to reunite with him, but did not. He said that I could not handle our daughter alone. I wonder if he was right.

I can not get my daughter to work with me for anything. She ended up not going to her part-time job today because she wasted the whole evening last night and did not study for a test that is Friday. She pinches me and says, "Why did I not study?" Then, she wets the bed at night. This was a problem for her earlier.

Have I caused her too much stress by moving out from my parents and not reuniting her with her father? I hate to beg her to do things, but I end up doing that.

I am at my wits end????

Answer 1

Wetting the bed at 15 needs to be addressed right away. I am sure that it is only a symptom of a far more serious problem that she has.

As for her other behaviour, it is obvious that she has no sense of responsibility. I know this because she puts the blame on YOU when she fails to study for a test, instead of where it belongs, ON HERSELF!
At 15 she is still a child, & children fail to recognize long-term consequences for their actions,(or lack of). She needs to see, hear, & feel IMMEDIATE consequences for her behaviour. When she doesn't go to work at her job, she needs to get FIRED. When she doesn't have any money to spend on herself because she lost her job, she needs to know that she won't be getting it from you, no matter how much she whines, cries, or throws a fit.

When she fails on a test because she didn't study, she needs to know that it was HER RESPONSIBILITY TO STUDY, NOT YOURS!

I get the sense that your husband is trying to manipulate you into a reconcilliation with him through your daughter. I also suspect that even though he probably didn't council her to do this, she has picked up on his thinking, & is using her bad behaviour to manipulate you into doing it as well.
Kids pick up on stuff at a higher level than we parents often give them credit for. Also kids almost always have the deep desire to have their parents back together, even if it means that they have to live in an unhappy environment with them, they just know that they want it, & will do ANYTHING to get it.

I suggest that you stop begging her to do things, especially the things that she is supposed to be doing for HERSELF. You begging her to do them makes it sound like you need it done more than her. So logic dictates: If you want it so bad, then why don't you do it yourself?

Instead, remind her to do these things when & only when it's necessary to do so, & ONLY ONCE. After that leave it entirely up to her, maybe if she has to go to summer school, or repeat a year, she'll understand the consequences, & know it was her responsibility, NOT YOURS!

Answer 2

The bed wetting might suggest there is some bigger emotional problem she is suffering from. Everything else sounds like normal teenager stuff, but when you toss in the bed wetting, I think there might be more to it.
I would suggest getting some therapy. This problem was not caused by you (although there may be things you can do or change to help the problem get better or make the problem worse), and probably will not be solved by changing her living situation again and just handing her off to someone else. Work with her, with the help of a professional, and try to involve her father as well. She will most likely need the love and support of all her family.
Good luck!

Answer 3

My parents were divorced when I was 8 and I don't think it messed me up too bad. Both of my parents continued to show me love and support and they talked to us kids about their choice to divorce and presented a unified front. I was never made to feel like anything was my fault. Additionally my parents, regardless of how they might have felt, never put each other down in front of me. My Dad always taught me to respect my Mom and my Mom always taught me to respect my Dad. The only impact that I know I have from the divorce is a strong desire to be good to my wife and family and to not get divorced. Just let your kids know that you love them and that even though the two of you are no longer together as parents that the kids still have a great Mom and a great Dad. The big trick is for you as the parents to live up to that in the way you interact from now on.

Answer 4

No, it's not always easier when two parents are present. Especially when the two parents don't get along.

Bed wetting at 15? She needs counseling or a therapist.

You can ask questions till you are blue in the face but if you don't take action then you will never see results.

If you keep doing what you have always done, then you will keep getting what you always get.

Answer 5

Ok, 2 things. She's learned that she can control and manipulate you and her father. But not only that, she uses that against you. Who's in charge? You or her? You don't have to reconcile with her father, if you don't want to be with him, don't be with him. But you DO need to work with him to get your kid in check. She's got way too much control over you. Your the parent... you make the rules and if you need help, go to him and ask for it. If you can, get her to go to a therapist... if she's having night accidents at 15, she probably has issues you don't even know about. She needs help, but most of all she needs PARENTS to be PARENTS and not her friends.

Answer 6

If she is wetting the bed at 15, she needs help. Take her to a doctor and maybe a counselor too. Include her father with raising her, you don't have to be together to still be a parenting team.

Answer 7

I can relate to this. I have an eleven year old daughter who's the same with housework.
I just don't have the energy to argue anymore as I have three other younger girls. She's very good with school work but as I have already mentioned, hopeless at helping out around the house etc.
Let her learn from her own mistakes. As far as I'm concerned, life itself will teach her if nothing else does.

Answer 8

there are a number of factors that may have caused your daughter to be rebellious stage. You could go to family counseling, or put your daughter on a tight schedule. Let her know that she cannot get out of that schedule and when she is more responsible maybe you could be more flexible with her? I think she needs some kind of stability in her life.

Answer 9

i hate to say it but im kinda like your daughter but what my parents let me do is go hangout with my friends and have a "free night" and maybe take her to get her nails done or get a massage or something that you to can enjoy together but just know that everything that you do also has an impact on her so you need to make sure that you dont do something that could upset her.

Answer 10

I can relate to your problem times four. I raised 4 step kids and believe me, it was brutal. I don't know how many times I was told.." you're not my f....ing father. I don't have to listen to you."

My strong advice to you is to get together with your ex to discuss reuniting at therapy sessions for her. She is holding in a hurt that you can't comprehend. I'm serious. Deep down inside there is hurt, anger, fear of things to come. Fighting with her & stressing yourself out isn't the answer. Talk to your ex. Ask him to support your concerns & both of you join forces to save your daughter.

Don't wait for the drugs, the alcohol,the pregnancies, the truancy to start as my other half did. She tried to avoid it, but got burned in the end. Don't make her mistake. She didn't listen to me then. After a few arrests & fines, she listened to me then.

Sadly, we parted ways. After getting them all settled, I got left behind for a career. Go figure..........