Do I let my high maintenance 21 yr old daughter move back home?

Question

My daughter was raised with affection and material things in early life. Always getting a 4pt gpa, she cut classes & dropped out of high school with only two credits needed to grad in her jr yr (got diploma at community college). She moved away as soon as she graduated to my relief. Since then, has had more than 10 jobs. Has moved in and out of relationships, bought a home (& lost a home). Has moved 9 times in three years, always a step down. Now she needs to move again. She is asking to move back home for several reasons. She now wants to go to college. She wants to quit her part time job, buy a horse (puhleeze), is in debt more than 10k and can't pass credit check & wants to file bankruptcy. I'm divorced & reunited with her father, and their relationship is strained. Oh.. also, she has 2dogs & cat, won't part with. She doesn't share my values. I was raised that we always help family, but maybe she needs to learn the hard lesson. I have to live with myself tho, and need advice

Answer 1

Quick! Move so she can't find you!
If she moves in, she will regress to a 12 year-old.

She's 21 and has her own life... and she is a total flake.
She made her bed and she can sleep in it.
This is about taking responsibility. She needs to grow up.

Counsel her on getting herself out of debt... drag her happy fanny down to Consumer Credit Counseling Service and enroll her in their course.
Remember... the republicans re-wrote the bankruptcy laws... you still have to pay everything back. She might as well get onto a program and begin building her credit that way.

Help her find an efficiency or a garage apartment she can afford while she attends community college.
Give her pets to a shelter if you have to.
Some "tough love" now will really help her grow up.

Answer 2

Personally I wouldn't let her move back home. The deciding factor there was quiting the part time job and buying a horse. She has some very unrealistic ideas of life in general. Maybe she needs to handle the mess she's made herself. If you can, offer to subsidize her a small amount toward rent somewhere but put conditions on it, she keep a part time job and do well in school, and no horse (they are expensive). It sounds like you need to play hardball here or she's not going to learn.

Being a parent and supporting your child does not always mean giving them what they want, and that includes moving home.

Answer 3

Don't let her in. She needs to learn the hard way that life has no safety net. If you let her fall, then she would have nowhere to go but up. She has to realize that quitting a job and buying a horse to go with her cat and dogs is too unrealistic of a dream for a 21 year old to have. She is no longer a child. She should no longer act like one, nor treated as one. There comes a time when everyone is pushed from their nest. You either fly or fall. She's falling. Let her. It would be good for her in the long run.

Answer 4

If you do decide to let her move back in you have got to make her understand that it's your way or the highway literally.
You are the parent and if she can't follow your rules and lose the dead weight (the pets she cant afford). It's great that she is taking an interest in her education but she is really pushing it. I mean a horse she is 10k in debt she should try working on getting out of the hole and getting a place to live before she even thinks about that.

Answer 5

It could be worse the dogs & cat could be children. I don't envy you in this situation. Did she respect your boundaries when she was at home?
What does your husband want?
Can she be trusted?
Why did she act up b4?
Will she contribute to the home in any way if you let her come home?
I don't know!!!!! It's a hard one. You need to do a lot of talking and boundary setting before making a careful decision. Good luck with it. I don't think I can help but you have my sympathy.
Gut feeling is - she has to pay rent/ get rid of the animals/just focus on a job/college and get herself out of debt. You can't bail her out. It won't work if she doesn't respect the home.
Good luck!

Answer 6

short answer: Hecks no! Parental answer: the way I see it... Its no longer the age-spacing that will boost my brow. Its that at 21, he's the two a college pupil, a college graduate, or winding up his first enlistment interior the protection stress. the rest merely skill,to me, that he did no longer have his "poop in a collection" whilst he graduated intense college. Poop like... good grades, AP training, 3.5gpa, activities, etc. if so, why could I be comfortable with my daughter relationship some dude who would not even academically or bodily experience as much as her, and for this reason has no longer something to grant her. and there is something to be pronounced some 21yr previous who hasn't experienced something yet. Like... a real interest, real training, a real grownup lady chum, and oh yea, each and every of the cool issues ya get to do as quickly as ya turn 21. So i anticipate we are speaking some 21yr previous guy who's sensible sufficient, athletic sufficient, and brave sufficient to be in college or protection stress, thereby having real grownup existence reports. And so if so, why could I be comfortable with my daughter relationship some dude who isn't guy sufficient to this element somebody on an identical point as he? All this manner of guy can grant to my youngster is HIS desires, HIS objectives, and HIS destiny plans that HE has already have been given a jumpstart on. i could quite my sensible, athletic, drug-loose, and to no longer point out, UN-pregnant 17yr previous youngster have her very own objectives and map out her very own existence without the impacts of a grown guy in her ear.

Answer 7

she is your flesh and blood, yes she might have been a pain to put up with but she is your daughter. if this is the first time she has asked to move back in i would let her, if its not then i would recommend you get her to stand on her own two feet.
if you do decide to let her move back in make sure she is very clear about ground rules. if you dont want the cats and dogs she cant have them, its your house.
also she needs a reality check. filing for bankruptcy but wants to buy a horse????
if she wants to better herself thats a good thing. going to college is a positive step but she can do that whilst working even part time working.
she needs to know that you wont accept her crap anymore. you are no longer obliged to look after her so you are doing her the favour. think of her as a paying guest. a paying guest is entitled to have their own life but needs to respect the house they are staying in.
basically you hold all the power and she hasnt a leg to stand on, she has no rights to move back in, its conditional.

Answer 8

I think the wisest thing to do would be to sit down with your daughter and have a talk before she moves in. Be truthful with her. Tell her what your expectations will be. Tell her what you will and will not tolerate while she's living there. It sounds like she's made a lot of bad choices in her life. She needs to learn that bad choices reap bad consequences. If she is serious about taking responsbility for her actions, then she won't look to you to bail her out. As far as the animals go, if that would really bother you, again, I would tell her about it before she moves back in. If you don't talk to her before she moves in but wait until after she moves in to handle these issues, you could hurt each other's feelings and that would not be healthy between a mother and daughter. God bless!

Answer 9

I am not running you down, so please don't be offended.
It sounds as if she has always had someone there to bail her out or let her have her way. Our jobs as parents are to raise independent, well adjusted moral adults. She is living in a fantasy world. She needs a major slap of reality. If you bail her out now and coddle her by allowing her to move in an entertain what are most likely temporary plans, judging by her history, she will have gained nothing.
If you were to die tomorrow, would you rather die with her one day saying 'My mom finally helped me get my stuff together and I am thankful' or 'I wish my mom had taught me how to care for myself'. Because you are not going to be around forever to be her leaning post. And one day she will say one of those two things at least to herself. You have to choose what you want and it is hard.
Her moving back in will most likely cost you your marriage and will definitely strain your finances as she has only learned how to take. Then when she leaves again, you are alone and broke and she is back to her old tricks.
The best thing you could do for her, in my opinion, is to tell her she may come over in the evenings for a meal, but she is on her own financially. Don't offer to keep her stuff, her pets, take her to look for a place, etc. Let her figure it out. She will be forced to get a grip before she totally wrecks her life and that is where she is headed. And she will whine and moan and give you every sad story in the book, and you listen and tell her you understand that it is sad (esp if she is forced to get rid of her pets)but she needs to think about how she got into this and reflect on the fact that she has herself to blame. She may even (if she is dramatic) say she hates you or whatever, but you love her and want the best for her and she will come around. It takes time and real life lessons.

Answer 10

Your daughter seems to be a lost sheep. She may not share your values now, but where else can she learn them, and who could teach her better than you can?

It's not just giving her another chance, but it's also a chance at trying to have a good relationship with each other. It takes courage and perseverance to make some sacrifices in order to try and snatch someone from the pits. I believe that would be worth your while. Things may not happen at present, but at least you've done some planting, and hopefully it would bloom into something good, even though you might not be around when that happens.