My 14 year old niece used to love living with me. But after she had a miscarriage (long story) and her dad came to visit (he does have rights to see her. She just came to see me durring a rough time in her life, her parents divorced), she's been talking about going with him next week when he heads back to Connecticut (I live in California). She's made great friends, and I thought she really like it here. Her Dad says she can move back in with him and she could visit me on vacations, if she wanted
I have done so much for her and it hurts to have her know she wants to leave me. What can I do? I know I can't make her stay, but how can I let the pain ease?
2007-09-26 11:55:23 · 8 answers · asked by Jasmine 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
I am a parent,a single one but I'm getting married in June. I have two kids 20 months and 2 months and I am marrying a guy with five kids (3, 6, 9 and 11 year old twins)
2007-09-26 13:35:38 · update #1
Spend some extra special time with her before she leaves. Take lots of pictures and make a scrapbook together... maybe two (one for each of you). Make sure to let her know without a doubt that she is always welcome in your home and that she can call you ANY time she wants to. She's trying to have a relationship with her dad, and that's a good thing. Try to keep that in mind. You're doing the right thing by letting her go. I know it's really far away and it's going to hurt no matter what, but be happy that she's happy. God bless.
2007-09-26 12:16:45 · answer #1 · answered by ♪♪BandMom♪♪ 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She's not trying to hurt you, first recognize that. She's not doing it to be mean, and it's probably a very hard decision for her as well. You are her aunt and she loves you, but this man is her father, maybe she wants to live with one of her parents, sometimes the child/parental bond is tighter then we may think. She's not leaving you, she's making a decision to live with another member of the family that loves her. All you can do is try and be happy for her, tell her that you love her and that you can't wait for her to come and visit. Tell her you support her, and that you'll be there if she needs you. Then you can go and cry when she's not around.
2007-09-26 12:15:45 · answer #2 · answered by Zyggy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's got nothing to do with you. All kids want the love and attention of their parents. Kids in foster care who come from terrible homes usually want to go home. It's very hard to come to terms with the fact that your parents can't or won't care for you.
I don't know what led up to the miscarriage but this is also a chance for her to start fresh. Make sure she knows that you will be available any time she needs you and then let her go.
2007-09-26 12:46:22 · answer #3 · answered by EC Expert 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im sure she loves you, but that is her father. It is great that you were there to help during her time of need, and she will never forget that. She still needs her daddy. She may also not want to feel stuck in the middle between the 7 other kids who will be fighting for your attention soon.
Don't make her feel gulty for going, just let her know that she is always welcome, Go out and each pick out a new stationairy set and stamps, so you have no excuse not to write!
2007-10-04 10:16:22 · answer #4 · answered by kiki72404 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She will appreciate it all when she is older and she may get there and realize she made a wrong choice and want to come back. She is just having a natural desire to want to have a relationship with one of her parents and that is not about hurting you but to fill some void she may be having by not having her father as an active participant in her life.
2007-09-26 13:23:45 · answer #5 · answered by 2007 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This little girl can't be expected you fill your need for love. I'm not being harsh. I mean to be gentle. You've done a lot for her and I'm sure she loves you, but little girls really need their daddy. Her father is the only one who can teach her what her husband is meant to be, he is the physical example of her Heavenly Father.
Now that she's lost a child, she probably desperately wants to reclaim her childhood. She needs a parent for that. This isn't a reflection on you, but on her deep needs. Let her go with love and tell her you're always there for her.
Prayerfully, Jesus will bless you with a hubby soon and you'll have babies of your own. Your experience with your neice will make your a better parent. I'm sorry you're going throught this!
2007-09-26 13:24:27 · answer #6 · answered by ElioraImmanuel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just hope that she is making the right choice in all this.
after all she is not moving out because of you right?
she is moving back to her dad's, while this might hurt you very deeply you need to let her make this, as you said you can not really stop her. be there fore her i am shore she will keep in contact.
2007-09-26 12:06:28 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
From my own experience...My parents divorced and have other spouses...Both have been married more than once..There are 3 children from my parents marriage...I experienced guilt..I was not sure what to do...So I chose to live with my mother after a while because I felt that it would be a bit easier on my father...After a while there were a lot of trips to see other family members and things were really exciting for a while...Once I was on my own there were no more family trips or going out to eat for the fun of it...I had to work and to take care of myself...I now had responsibilities...
I now am a mother with a child out of wed lock...I have been in a relationship with a great guy for almost 9 years now...He is not the father of my child mind you....But he has been a good father and my daughter and I love him...Now my daughter is feeling regret for not being with her father and is feeling confused as to why he does not spend time with her...I know that she wants to know her father but he has made no effort what so ever to be a part of her life...She loves her stepfather as a daughter should but I can feal that she wants to see her father too...Sitting down and talking to your neice is not enough...You need to talk to her father and just ask" Why now all of a sudden does she want to leave.?" If neither one can answer that question honestly with out any excuses then it is time to go to family court and tell them that you are worried for your neices safety...Her parents allowed her to live with you and take on their responsibilty...If she has all that you say she does as far as friends and really like living there then the father must have said something for her to feel guilt and to leave you...You need to remind her all of which she will loose once she leaves....The friends, your protection, a home to live...Once you leave home you can never come back. That means that once she leaves things will never be the same...She will not feal like it is her home any more and will not feal welcomed...She will have problems and just out of the blue say that she is moving back with you if things do not go her way. I know what young people are thinking because I was one once and felt the same...But now it is too late to go back and right a wrong...When she is older her life may not go the right path....If I were you I would put my foot down and say "Not yet, you are not ready...And when I know that you are making the right decission we will sit down together and make arrangements for you to move back with your father."
This way she can keep incontact with him for a while and make sure that she is making the right decission...How she is thinking and feeling right now may not be her tru feelings...She could be feeling that she is in your way..Make her apart of decissions so that she can later on make her own..Make her feel that she is not in your way. She is not far from being an adult and this is the time when we are learning to take on the adult world...Let her know that she is loved more than life its self...She is your neice yes and not from your womb but in more ways than one your daughter and that you love her...I have met people who do not have children of their own but because of certain circumstances or tragedy they take on the role of the parent and in the end want nothing else...They do not think about them as not being theirs because they are...You are not a foster parent to her...You are her aunt, mother and friend...You can do this...You do not need a councelor, doctor or judge to tell you how to do it....You know what you want to say to her and tell her how you fear for her..SO tell her...And if she doesnt see that then I blame her parents for not loving her enough to make her stay with you and for her father to just come in and put a guilt trip on her...My parents did this to me for so long that I finally had enough and just moved out and went on my own...But I made some bad choices and learned from them...I also had older people that I was around and worked with that became an extention of family to me...Because of that I was one of the lucky ones...Your neice knows that you love her and if there is any doubt then forget what I said ealier and just grab her in a big bear hug and tell her that she is not leaving and that you need her in your life right now....I hope for the best for you and your family...Take care and besafe...Please
2007-10-04 05:04:24 · answer #8 · answered by bollinger74 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋