Need Advice on overbearing critical MOTHER?

Question

The problems I have with my mother go way back to my childhood - very critical, overbearing, bitchy to my friends (childhood) and now my husband. Everyone that knows her can hardly stand being around her for long - I've basically become ashamed of her. Most recently, she was criticizing my husband. I politely told her I didn't want to discuss it - it was my business, I wish she just be like my Aunt Mary who DOES respect her children and bites her tongue even when she feels something should be said. Well, that was the worst thing I could do because she HATES my Aunt Mary (yes, it's her own sister!) and has stopped speaking to me unless and until I apologize for that remark. I don't feel that I should have to apologize for the remark because it's HOW I FEEL! My whole life I've swallowed my feelings to keep the peace. She doesn't think twice about saying very nasty things to me, thinks it's her RIGHT as a mother/grandmother. If you don't agree with her there's something wrong w/ you

Answer 1

Quite frankly, it sounds like you're in clover.

Is there some reason to mend this?

You could, if you wanted to, apologize for hurting her feelings.

But if she's as nasty as you say, I say she's doing you a favor.

She'll miss you more than you'll miss her.

I don't usually approve of family breaches, but in this case, it really sounds like a plus.

Answer 2

Did you husband tell her of the surgery? Does he feel the same as you? Have you told him how you feel? If you can not be united in your opinion about her visit, my advice, from my heart, is to allow what your husband feels about it to rule the day. He's the one that goes to Afghanistan. If he also does not want her to be there, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and tell his mother to bugger off, then volunteer to be the "bad guy" and take a hit for him, of course, be polite... but firm, and make it clear that the decision is final, and stick to it. If she still tries to interfere, you have a psycho on your hands and may need other family members to help you out. As a last resort, if you have a stalker for a MIL... then you have my permission to not answer the door, the phone, or email, and if that doesn't do it... call the police and file a restrainer order.... I'm serious. I wish I could have. Sadly, my MIL had so much power that my husband would not dream of giving her a "no" to anything, and even a hint of "no" would throw her into a hissyfit from hell. I hope you have a little better luck. At anyrate I survived, but if I had to do it over... I probably wouldn't.

Answer 3

Just discuss how much it hurts you when she criticizes you, be truthful with her, she'll probably see what your talking about, but if she doesn't..be the bigger person and apologize for offending her. [not necessarily for your remark] If she continues to criticize you and your family, then politely change the subject, if that doesn't work, then tell her directly it's not something that you wish to discuss with her and then start a new conversation. You need a relationship with your mother, whether it feels like she is only criticizing or not...don't allow your feelings to create a rift between you and her.

Answer 4

You don't have to talk with your mother if you don't want to... and it seems as if you two can't communicate with each other properly anyway.

If she does apologize, limit yourself to talk about the weather, and things which don't include your husband or any other people. And i wouldn't socialize with her, either (such as getting together for lunch, or inviting her over to spend time with you). Maybe just opt for family functions where you don't have to have a "conversation".

Yes, i'm sure you'd like a better Mom, but i'd have liked a father who didn't beat the crap out of me every time i turned around. I have ignored him for over 20 years now... and i'm no longer an emotional wreck.

Answer 5

I had a mother just like that, and I suffered mostly in silence for years. Finally, after I'd had enough, I told her to kiss my you know what, cut her off from her grand-children, and refused to answer her phone calls. That was almost 30 years ago. I have no idea if she is even still alive, and don't care. I have 2 brothers who followed my lead and none of us regrets our decisions to free ourselves from her tyrannical insults/

Answer 6

It's a one way street with her and you already know that. There is no sense trying to make her understand because she will only see things her way.
Enjoy the peace and quiet. When she gets upset enough with you she'll call. Trust me.

Answer 7

All of us had no choice as to who was going to be our mom. As such, try to respect her despite all her faults. The best you can do is to see her only during holidays in order to avoid any further conflict.

Answer 8

sounds like a very toxic relationship. shes not going to change. u may need to take a break from her. it sounds like she is a miserable person and enjoys causing u the same. is it worth it?