I've been waiting 30 years for a chance to use this line--I'm on a mission from God?

Question

At 3pm CST(GMT -6) this afternoon, God sent a vision to Fred Phelps. Fred was too busy fornicating with a first cousin to pay attention. So, as the first available prophet of the inactive reserve, (Don't ask,) it was forwarded to me.

As I lay sleeping off some Chinese Buffet, An IM in letters of fire a quarter cubit tall appeared above my bed, sayething,

"Not by the hand of Ceasar, nor by men who lieth with men, nor by the unbeliever shall Israel be saved, nor by such shall my Kingdom on Earth be accomplishedeth."

The message is clear. Ol' Inbred Fred has had it wrong. Iraq isn't God's punishment for the US harboring gays. We haven't won because Gays unbelievers and backsliders weak in their Faith are allowed to fight in this Holiest of Wars.

We need to pull the troops out last week. And arrange for the Faithful to go to the Mideast and start blowing themselves up at people until, well, Kingdom Come.

Comments, responsible or otherwise, invited.

God also thinks the Faithful should hijack some Turkish Airliners and crash them into the Stone of the Prophet.

Yeah, yeah. I know Mecca is in Saudi Arabia. But try telling God that. He thinks He's Omniscient. Besides, when has he ever worried about collateral damage when Smiting the Wicked. Ask Herculaneum, or more recently, Biloxi. Gomorrah? Those folks never touched a drop, didn't fornicate, didn't covet, had the sidewalks rolled up by late afternoon.

"Kill em all and let ME sort them out," that's his motto.

God has made arrangements with Pope Benedict for Plenary dispensations for Suicide Bombers. He's gonna cut the boy some slack for those years in the Hilter Youth.

I'm a freelance Prophet, Brother Don't try this at home, not in the chain of command. I just work for God--I don't have to like Him.

A well founded fear, teacher. I have panic attacks about some Neocon reading Jonathon Swift's "A Modest Proposal," and saying, "Wow! What a concept! How soon can we implement it?"

Sorry to disappoint 1star. But the Prophet bit is just a part time thing for me and I've just never been into that whole cult trip. Bad enough being an idol of dozens celebrity.

Answer 1

imagine that , a god using "Zulu" time or observing GMT

all you have to do, is say there are illegal abortions POSSIBLY being carried out in Iraq and the christian terrorist clinic bombing attack freaks will invade and go in there

Answer 2

So, O.K..... Now that you've been booked for this Prophet gig, does that mean you'll be needing, like, followers and disciples....you know, that kind of thing? If so, where would one submit a resume'? to you, personally? to that Phelps character? or, does it go directly to the Big Guy in The Sky? (and, if so, just how much postage is something like that gonna soak me for? Huh? Doubt they read their email.) Anyway, for as long as I can remember (well, not 30 years, but...) I've wanted to do that Mary Magdalene thing.....I really think I'd be good at it.... (you know... tattered robes, sandals, scented oils... the whole bit). Oh! and, you should see me cry at crucifictions! Man...I just know you'd be impressed with that!! (Used a whole box of tissues on that Mel Gibson flick. It was awesome!) So, you think it over, will ya? Let me know.... Send a sign (Burning Bush is good.), or whatever it is you Prophet guys do these days. Okey-doke?

(Btw.... excellent references provided upon request.) Amen.

*EDIT
OMG... Had to comment! I"ve been quoting lines from "A Modest Proposal" (for comparison to our current situation) for some time now... I wish everyone could see it. What a kick that would be!

Answer 3

Next time can you ask Him what His position is on the Idaho wide-stance restroom posture? I am still trying to figure out how one does that without cracking their pelvis in two.

As for Phelps, I think that he should volunteer the entire membership of the whaddayacallit....Westberg? Baptist Church to do the first crusade. We know that nothing but the righteous go to church there, so shouldn't they lead the vanguard?

And by the way, congratulations, brother! Chinese food gives me the toots. If I had received a fiery IM, the entire house would have exploded....

Answer 4

THIS IS THE funniest thing I've read in weeks! Thank you so much for brightening up my day and giving me one of those rare, fabulous tummy-cramping laughs.

I'm a liberal. We aren't having problems as a country because homosexuals live here, because we as a nation don't slaughter people of different faiths or because we're lucky enough to have people we hate who are willing to fight for our country nonetheless.

We're having problems because we're a young country. We haven't learned everything yet. We need to remember that we're still learning, set aside our national ego when necessary and make corrections without fear having been wrong before makes us less now.

Heaven can be right here, in the strength of clasped hands and good will.

Answer 5

Why'd you wait thirty years? As your commanding officer, inactive reserves, I forwarded that message to you 45 years ago. If the holy messanger service is that slow, we'll never win this apocalpse. If I find out somebodys been preening themselves in the holy birdbath again, I'll have all their feathers plucked out. With a dull spoon.

Answer 6

Hmmmmm *wondering if Mad's gonna be passing around a basket with a long handle on it, for donations*

Mad, just exactly what was IN that last few drinks? I want some of THAT. LOL

BB,
Raji the Green Witch

Answer 7

LOL- Brilliant plan your prophet-full-ness-eth!

But, wait-- how will we motivate-eth these “faithful”? We can't expect them to "take it on faith".

Perhaps a chance to give an *explosive* performance on American Idol?

Ooohh! I know--we could call them “chickens”…

Or…hmm...Does anyone have any spare virgins?

I'll go check my garage, and under the couch cushions...

Answer 8

LOL...It seems like I have been waiting 30 years to hear some real humor. The absurdity of your statements are terrific. Well done...well done indeed. Of course you realize, there are some people who will take you seriously...

Answer 9

tut-tut. Violence solves nothing, my friend. When we do the same as the opposition, are we not equalling them?

Basically, if they blow us up, it's bad. Granted. Then we call them evil, cos they do bad things. So when we go blow them up (which is EXACTLY the same 'bad thing' they did to us), why aren't we equally evil?

Basically we somehow become heroes by becoming scoundrels. Which ummmm.... defies logic.

((((Madpol1))))

This heroically evil answer is sponsored by PurpleShade™ - We make hugs for any occasion.

Answer 10

I am simply too stupid to answer this question at the moment!!
What can I say but this - -

"Thou art welcome prophet Messiah", To preacheth the painful truth to the Ignoramuses"!!!
Let thine Kingdom come!
Hollowed be thy name"
Till eternity come!!!

Lets just hope you wouldn't be blown up first Prophet Messiah!!