We have been married for 28 years and she has been a good wife and mother. However, she does not know how to be polite to me when asking for something. The request usually goes something like this: Get me a drink, or Open the door. On rare occasions, a "please" might follow the request but usually after a pregnant pause. I have never hear her say something like: Please, could you get me a drink? or Could you open the door please?
I have brought this issue up with her on some occasions and usually get the silent treatment because she is angry that I corrected her (gently). I don't bother any more and just accept the fact that I am emotionally castrated by her talking to me like others talk to the pet dog. Unfortunately, she never learned the magic work when she was a kid and I have suffered with it for too long.
Any suggestions other than divorce? It's like a knife every time I hear her demand instead of ask..
2007-09-26 09:16:15 · 28 answers · asked by Frank P 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Thanks for all your responses. I think when I confront her with a comment like: "Could you say please?" or "Could you ask instead of demand?" or even the "What's the magic word?" she gets upset. I have tried to explain and she will tell me she will change but always falls back to the old habit without realizing it. Personally, I think she was never taught to ask for things using a question or the word "please" and she thinks my comments back to her are a way to put her in a subjugate position to me! I know that's sounds crazy but it's all I can come up with at this point. I think the third party counseling is the best recommendation at this point...so thank you all again.
2007-09-26 09:56:03 · update #1
Divorce? As a solution to your problem? If I asked you not to even think such a thing and said please, would that persuade you not to think of doing such a thing? Would you please examine yourself inasmuch-as asking yourself, are you bitter? If you are, and please be honest with yourself, then stop being bitter, for nothing good will come of it (ie. you're considering divorce). Since she is by now well aware of your desire that she say please, stop asking her to say please, as unfortunately your wife sounds quite prideful. Instead shame her by always saying please yourself even if she never does for the rest of your lives. For in this, you may see a change in her.
2007-09-30 03:39:56 · answer #1 · answered by eondog 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I cannot resist, and I do apologize, but your wife sounds like a bully and a bitc*h.
I would not correct her, you've lived with it for 28 years; however, I would NOT respond to her commands, well maybe a bark and wag your "tail". Then sit down and let her get her own damn drink. YOU SULK and get angry, slam a door, or give her the silent treatment. Or better yet, plan ahead, have a bag packed in the car, and do an overnight at a hotel, with NO EXPLANATION, ever. Scare the meanness out of this harpy.
OR, continue has you have done for all these years. After all you enabled this unpleasant habit she has.
2007-09-30 01:44:12 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do this method in the future. Next time she demands something without being polite, like for example "Get the groceries" or "Fix my dinner", etc..
Tell her politely "Sorry, but I can't grant your wishes if I'm going to be treated like a dog. I would appreciate a "please" or "thank you" in the future." then leave the room but don't slam the door, so she can think about what you said to her and so you don't have to listen to her bark at you for telling her off. But if she does run after you and start nagging again, tell her "Honey, I will not listen to you if I get barked at constantly. I will be back in a few minutes" (then leave the house and come back until you feel that she has cooled off.) If she gives you the silent treatment, then give her the silent treatment. Do not talk to her until she talks to you first. You know in your conscious mind that you did nothing wrong. She still got a lot to learn.
2007-09-26 09:34:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
I think it sounds like your wife has a problem with self esteem. It seems that she considers saying "please" and "thank you" to be signs of weakness, rather than consideration for others.
This is hardly "emotional castration" on its own though, so there must be more to it than you're saying. You say she talks to you like others talk to their dogs? This is way more than just not saying please and thank you, then.
You've also allowed this to happen for 28 years - you should be asking yourself why? You have to have given her permission to do this, it seems that you've done so by continuing to allow her to do this to you.
What I'd do if I were you would be this:
I'd tell her that you two need to have a talk. Then sit down and explain that you find her tone of voice demeaning, no better than others speak to their dogs. Tell her that it implys that she has no respect for you either as a husband or as a man. (because this IS what it implies)
Explain that you are not willing to put up with it anymore, and she needs to change it, immediately. Including saying please, and thank you, along with her tone of voice.
Lay down some rules. Tell her you realise that it will take some work and conditioning on her part to stop such a long-time habit, but that within a month you expect to see a complete end to this habit. If not, then she can consider your marriage over.
No man should be subjected to such a lack of respect for either his manhood or his ability to be a good husband and provider.
You seem to be a gentle type of person - some women simply think this means weakness. If this is the case for your wife, there probably isn't too much you can do about it.
Also, how is your lovelife? I would bet it's pretty nonexistent, or very quick, with little satisfaction for her, kind of a thing where she "puts up with it" every once in a great while?
If this is the case, was it EVER good between you? Did you learn what it takes to satisfy her and bond her to you that way? You may not have done this, and this may be another core root of her problem of lack of respect for you.
I don't know any women who have husbands who really, truly love to keep them satisfied sexually, who treat their husbands like your wife treats you. These women are usually still in love with their husbands even after 30, 40, 50 years, and have great respect for them.
So, these are some things to think about. You can only be abused as far as you let yourself be. So you'll have to stand up and take responsibility for not allowing that to happen to you anymore. If she doesn't change, that may include leaving - or face the fact that this will be your life, the rest of your life with her.
Good luck!
2007-09-26 09:44:27 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
She gives you the silent treatment? OMG, I would be so embarrassed for not saying please.. You seem to have a great relationship with her except for her impolite ways.. so divorcing her for this does not sound like a good idea.. 28 years of marriage can not be thrown just like that...
Talk to her again.. Tell her to think of you.. Maybe mention the things you've changed for her.. And if she loves you, she will understand. It hurts you and it offends you, tell her nicely to be more polita... And if she does not listen.. Then you can get mad at her and give her the silent treatment or don't answer her when she gives you orders... Remind her you're not a dog.
Give her a lesson on what respect is... Good luck! :-)
2007-09-26 09:27:35 · answer #5 · answered by Tesorito 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It looks like and I am sorry to say, that she is not being thoughtful towards u. She seems to be taking u for granted. How was she when u dated? was she the same? If she was, I wonder what made you marry her. Oh well, if you do think she makes a great mom and wife otherwise, and it's just this one thing, then chalk it to the one thing she lacks, and perhaps adjust to it. It hurts ME to think u talked to her about it, and she is behaving like a child by not adjusting to u, or becoming better.
I don't know, tough situation.
I don't know what else someone could do, after making requests already. U have done that part. I am just flabbergasted that she doesnt understand.
2007-09-26 09:42:31 · answer #6 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You've been married for 28 years, and you're asking US what to do?? I am sorry sir, but you need to man up pronto!
I hope you do not get offended, but I am being honest. I do feel bad that you are being treated this way, but I am in no position to give you advice that may work. I've been married for only 5 years.
The only thing I can say, is tell her that marriage is about love and communication, and that she is NOT being loving by the way she communicates with you. And heck, if you have kids.. tell them how you feel - perhaps simply talking to another loved will help and they may confront your old woman for you.
Good luck!
2007-09-26 09:53:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
She's bullying you because she knows you're a mild-mannered guy. There's no excuse for that behavior. Marriage is about love and respect, and you'd think after twenty-eight years she would've gotten that by now! If I were you I'd stop "gently correcting" her and tell her straight out how she's making me feel. If she gets angry...too bad! It goes to show she has a problem. You must make her aware of this, for both your sakes. She can only fix her attitude problem when she acknowledges she has one! If she really loves you she's going to listen to what you've got to say and take it to heart. From there you can take steps forward.
2007-09-26 09:28:48 · answer #8 · answered by snapessxy 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's not just the magic word she hasn't learned, it's mutual respect. A little counseling might work wonders. Otherwise, I would stop responding to her demands until she learns to be more polite and respectful. After 28 yrs. she may be comfortable in her training of you and figures you'll do whatever she wants regardless of how she asks. Only you can change that.
2007-09-26 09:27:23 · answer #9 · answered by dawnb 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well if it bothers you that much why don't you consider separation, or at least counselling. I'm sure at one time she was a fine woman, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life being stressed out by her? At the very least you need to start standing up to her again. When she gets upset about it, tell her that's how you feel when she speaks to you in that manner.
2007-09-26 09:28:34 · answer #10 · answered by my brain hurts 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have to say it sounds hurtful ......that being married that long your wife doesn't know how to speak to you with manners....I wouldn't bring this up when correcting her as it may not be the right time...but I would bring this up when we are alone and have some quite time ...I would explain to her that it hurts and is very bothersome when she talks to me this way because if you love me you should speak to me with respect just because she did not learn words like please and thank you as a child it doesn't mean she shouldn't use it ...and if the talk doesn't work you may have to have conseling ...But I have to assume there's two sides to every story
2007-09-26 09:37:00 · answer #11 · answered by meka33311 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋