My family is always asking for money! What should I do?

Question

My mom and sister live together, along with my sister's 3 kids. I love them very dearly and they mean the world to me. They are very poor, and they are always asking me & my husband for money. We paid over $1500 last month to rent them a house in a new state because they hated where they were living. We also paid their car payment and sent them money for food. Now the 1st is almost here and they dont have any money for the rent. My mom cant keep a waitress job and my sister for some reason wont get a job. I am the only one they can count on. What am I supposed to do? I am only 23 and have been married less than a year. I am a full time college student and my husband and I dont have very much money. But I dont want to refuse them because I care about my neices and nephew so much. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone else gone through this?

Answer 1

Just say no.

Answer 2

You're going to have to be blunt about it. Bring up in a nice way that not every single person in the family contributes and that it's not fair. Let them know that you HAVE to start saving money so you can get started on a family -- or whatever. They have to respect your husband as well. If it were the other way, I'm sure your family would complain about his family if they were always bothering him for money. And that's not even the point, you need to safe for yourself. If they really love you, they'll get over it. Unfortunately there are many family members who take advantage of other family members. I'm sure you will feel very guilty (which is normal), but you have to do what you have to do. Family does not put obligations on others. You can help, but like you said, $20 here, $20 there, it all adds up. Maybe you can set X-amount of money on the side every month and just limit it to that. It can be $20 a month. You're still contributing and you're not being taken advantage of. If they ***** about that, then you know what really matters to them, sadly.

Answer 3

Crystal, I am sorry to say this, but you will need to stop sending money. As long as they know you are going to come through for them they will keep depending on you for the money. You are their welfare system. If your sister doesn't get off her lazy azz and get a job to support HER children, then she cannot expect you to always support her and her children. These responsibilities should be on her shoulders. My mom, and I have are going through this right now. We have however told everyone not to call us because we are at the place in our lives we just do not have it to give. They are going to have to stand on their own two feet. There is nothing wrong with giving someone a helping hand once in a while, but are they worrying about you and your husband going without just so they can have what they want? Probably not. Tell them you do not have it, and that you have bills to pay yourself. If they get mad, so be it. Then you will know you are just being used. What would they have been doing if you hadn't been there to help them out?

Answer 4

You said two really important things here.

1. Your family is always asking for money from you.

2. You don't want to refuse them.

Until you change the answer to number 2, they will continue asking.

Now if you decide you really want to stop supporting your family you HAVE to follow my advice.

I have a brother who never calls unless he is asking for something. $10 bucks here, help to cover rent there, always, always something.

It took me years and years and years and finally I had enough. I did two things, One, every thing he called I answered "how much are you asking me for now?". Then I sat down and told him point blank, the well has run dry and I mean't it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. I told him that if he wanted to come over and cut my lawn for me I would give him the $10. that I would have given the neighbors son (or whatever chore you would actually pay someone for). Funny how suddenly it was too much effort. Eventually it stopped and I am thrilled to say I haven't paid out a penny in a year and I never will again!

Your family will never stop until you make it extremely clear that the free ride is over.

Do not mistake supporting these FREELOADERS as "caring for your neices and nephews". You are only encouraging this behaviour. Two adults at home and they can find a way to earn money if they weren't getting it easily from you.

Don't you work hard for your money? All of us do.

Answer 5

Crystal, I am so glad there are people like you out there with love and compassion for their families. Most of the answers you have all say in general say no, and make them get their own way on paying their bills and buy food. You are right in helping them, and you are wrong for not getting them to stand on their own two feet. Yes that probably sounds confusing to you, but there is a time when you must say no. The best senario I can think of is plain and simple is, you can teach a person how to fish, and he will be a fisher of man. If you continue to feed them fish, all they will do is consume the fish until it is all gone. If I were you I would help them one more time if you can. At the time you help them I would tell your Mother that she and your sister need to get there own help from hereafter. There are social services, food stamps, and other methods of assistance out there, and they need to search these agencies out for assistance. As far as the Children, they are not your responsibility either, but if you feel that obligated ask your sister if she would want you to take them until she gets on her feet. If she says no, explain to her that child welfair will more than likely remove them from her care anyway if she doesn't provide some financial assistance for them. Your Mother needs to get herself together also, helping her financially all of the time is charity, and not something that will help her in the long term. It's unfortunate that the situation is in the state that it is, but you have done all you can, and should do. You have been more than fair about assisting them, but you have your own immediate family to be concerned about, and they should come first. Good Luck, and Thank You for being such a good person.

Answer 6

They didn't like where they lived. Too bad. Lots of people don't like where they live. One lives where one can afford to live. If they couldn't afford the rent of a new place, then it doesn't make sense to move elsewhere.

Your mom won't or doesn't keep her waitressing job, not can't keep it. Your sister won't get a job because she doesn't feel the need to since you will support her.

If you cared about your nieces and nephews, then you would want your mother and sister to stand on their own without using you. You could offer to take the children into your household until those two women get their act together, or simply tell them in one more month they'll have to do without your further generosity. That would give them some time to work something out in order to support themselves.

Yes, I've gone through this type of thing.

Answer 7

For as long as you enable their bad behavior the bad behavior will continue. It's great that you love your family. It's noble that you help them. However, it has to stop. Maybe not this month but soon and for the rest of your life.

If you are going to help them then help them by insisting they get themselves on a written budget. Demand the promise to stick to it. Otherwise, no more money starting today.

Tell them that this generosity of yours ends in two or three months so they better get some jobs and start living on their own wage.

You really can love them the most by teaching them to fish rather than fishing for them.

Answer 8

I think I can best answer you by directing you to another nearly identical question someone asked a while back:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=An_icb9tYcyFAYUmnSBh1gzsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20070917143413AAsht9G&show=7#profile-info-301deea06a1f33510ec7c2e7cc1e88c9aa

My advice to you is the same as I gave to that question - if you are going to give them money, make it conditional on their doing something about their current situation, that can be objectively monitored. Don't give them loose cash you can't track, pay directly for expenses if you can (and you seem to be doing that already). Your sister in particular needs a 'tough love' approach about getting a job, as she has a baby sitter in your mother. Make them get a budget, sell the car and start taking the bus, etc., or you'll never have the money to get through school and start the life you and your husband want.

Answer 9

You need to focus on your husband and your education right now. It is like in an airplane they say when the oxygen mask drops down the mother should put hers on before she puts one on her child. In other words, only if you take care ofyourself while you are still growing up ( and you are still growing up) will you be able to help anyone in the future. This is not though, your job to care for your mother and them. I am sure you care about them. They can take your money and , in fact, every penny you ever make and they will not be better. You need to move forward as painful as that is, if you are going to live your best life. There are PLENTY of government programs available for them Whether they hate where they are living is not your business. I hate where I am living but no one pays for my move! I admire your caring but you need to remember that ' Charity begins at home' ( your own immediate home with your husband) AND
Never a borrower or a lender be'

Answer 10

It seems like a hard situation but just tell them that you and your husband don't have the money to take care of yourselves let alone them. Your mom should try and support herself and her grandchildren without placing this huge burden on you. Family is important and I understand why this is so hard, it would be different if you were rich. You and your husband were very generous just a month ago. Just tell them that you guys really cant afford it right now and have your own bills to pay.

Answer 11

They need to seek help from a the housing authority and the welfare office... not you. I know how it feels to want to help out family but if you can't then you just cant. Explain to them that you gave them all you had to help them move and now they are going to have to find a way to handle the situation. You can't give them money that you dont have or else you will be in the same situation they are in.