Question for fulltime working moms - how do you manage the guilt?

Question

My daughter is 20 months old and I just put her in fulltime daycare for the first time. I work about 50 hrs a week and so she spends a great deal of time there. I have no choice but to work because it is an internship program that I have to complete in order to finish my doctoral degree (which I've been working on for over 6 years). We also had to move out of state for this internship, so she is living in a new house, with a new room, etc... The adjustment has been really difficult...she has been tantrumming alot lately and I can tell she is anxious and stressed because her life has changed so much. I feel SO much guilt about leaving her in daycare fulltime and i try really hard to spend as much quality time with her as possible at night and on the weekends, but even that is difficult sometimes when I am so worn out. My husband works out of town and so he is gone much of the time, so he can't help. My question is, how do you manage the guilt? What can I do to help my daughter? Thanks!

Answer 1

Well, you are doing it for her, aren't you? You are working hard to finish something that will make you a better person and mom, a happier person and mom and happy moms have happy babies.

This won't help in the short-term, naturally. But this too shall pass. There will come a day (I swear, there will) when your daughter doesn't cry or tantrum so much. There will come a day when she mentions a friend at daycare and your heart wil soar. Or maybe she'll come home with a new skill she learned there. Yesterday my daughter showed me her tummy and said tum. Her teachers taught her that one (but nose was ALL MINE; )

This morning, my 18 month old cried when I dropped her off. She has every day this week. And it hurts, so I do know how you feel. But just down the hall, where I drop off her big sister, a daycare kid through and through, I see the other side. A child who loves her school and teacher, has buddies, and is all set for kindergarten next year, and then some.

Hang in there-it does get better!

Answer 2

Hello, I TOTALLY understand what you are going through and I just went through a situation VERY similar.

I am a 21 yr old single mother, work full time, also Army Reservist. My daughter is 17 months old. We had to move because where I was living was turning into a bad neighborhood. I had to switch her daycares (she had only been there a few months, was finally getting comfortable). She was in a brand new room, house, daycare, etc. I felt SO guilty. She started tantrums too. And you're right, it is probably because she is stressed and feels the change.

Anyway, the best advice I can give you is just to be strong and get her comfortable in this new lifestyle and new routines. She will become comfortable in her new room and daycare in no time. It just feels hard at the moment. I know you are probably exhausting after a day's work, so don't get mad when your child wants you to hold her during the time she gets to see you in the evening. She has been without you all day. I always sit down and play lego's with my daughter, eat dinner and make it fun, bathtime, lots of cuddling before bedtime. The both of you will love this, I guarantee it. And things will be okay in no time.

Best of luck.

Answer 3

I work full time too, as a single mom. You just have to realize that you are doing a good job in providing for the both of you, and that you and your child are not the only ones going through this situation. As long as you are comfortable with the daycare you selected, it is good for her for the most part. I have a regular sitter we use, and through that my daughter has experienced SO much that she wouldn't have if I was a SAHM. She gets to interact with both other kids and adults, and that alone will benefit her. And don't feel guilty about being worn out. Even if you have things to do at home and can't spend every minute with her, you are still there for her. I let my daughter help me out with things around the house because she likes to, it teaches her a lot, and it's still us spending time together. Or even if you need to rest, you both can lay and watch a movie or something together, or just rest together, or just sit and read books. At least you are still there for her, and not absent from her life. No matter what, I am always guilty, but I probably worry about it more than I need to. Thinking of the benefits for both of you helps a bit with that.

Answer 4

I was fortunate enough to stay home when mine were small. I knew it wasn't going to work any other way. I wouldn't have made enough to have it be worth being at work and putting them in daycare. I totally sympathize because I can't imagine how much you've taken on. I work 50 hours a week, but my children are much older and we talk a lot.
Any adjustment at 20 mos can seem taumatic to the child. They can't verbalize and communicate what they're feeling - all they can do is act up to get your attention. We had to move with my daughter at 8 mos old and even though it was a peaceful transition, she decided she was all done breastfeeding - even at 8 mos, she knew something was different and this was something she could control.
The best thing you can do is talk to her as much as possible when you're with her. Give her your FULL attention when you're home - I would have no TV, no Phone, No computer, etc... while you're home. Unplug. Don't let all your time together be when she's tired, cranky or hungry either. You have to have as much quality time that she enjoys as you can. This will help her feel more secure.
It would be fantastic if your husband could transfer to being closer to home too - sometimes you have to make sacrifices. To me, it's most important that parents raise their kids than daycares and schools. These 1st few years are when she is going through critical brain development, making connections/associations, learning learning learning! Talk it over. Maybe right now, it's more important for you to do the internship and for him to be closer to home, no matter what job he has - for your daughter's sake. Maybe it should happen until she's in school and can better handle things. There isn't any point in having a child in daycare for 50 hours a week - it's kind of crazy. 35-40 is a lot for someone under 2 yrs. For our family, we wanted our children raised by us, not someone else. It's more important that she spend as much time learning from you (both) than in a daycare. I am not trying to make you feel worse, but someone should make a change. There is nothing more important than raising your child - at least this is my opinion.
I have watched my sister in law work 50-60 hours and so did her husband. They were trying to buy a house, cars, stuff and had 2 boys in the process. From 6 weeks on, she put them in daycare. Both of them (I think it's more common in boys too) had MAJOR behavioral problems because mom and dad haven't spent enough time with them. I'm not saying your daycare isn't good - but it's not a replacement for mom and dad, or family. No one loves her as much as you do. My nephews are a mess and I'm expecting will continue to be because their parents are more interested in working than in raising them.
I don't know how I would manage the guilt. You're tired, you're worn out when you're home - she needs your best. I think you've put yourself in a difficult position. Do you have to complete the internship now? Can you do it in a few years? Can your husband change jobs for a while? I would try to figure something out if things don't improve soon. You can't go on like this - sounds like you're biting off more than you can chew. Sorry.

Answer 5

I think every mother goes through this, I know I did, and I am still going through it even with a part-time job. When you are with your daughter, just make the best of it. Get out together, go for walks together, take her to the zoo, or the aquarium or something, read to her , just make the best of every moment you have with her. See if you can do less hours, I know it may take you longer to finish doing it this way, but at least you wont feel guilty about not being with your daughter. Or everyday you take her to daycare, just look at it as , you are doing this so that she can live better and you can live better. Try to make her room feel cozy, with lots of her favorite toys.

Answer 6

I am full-time mom and i work full-time. i had my son in day care every since he was 6 weeks old. I had no choose but to put him in a daycare setting. I was feeling guilty at first but i knew in my own mind that was the right thing for him. He was also in headstart at 2 year old and now he is 5 years and is in the first grade and he is doing great. As i look back on it I think I did the right thing. He loves going to school and he is doing great. don't feel guilty at all you are doing the right thing for your child. I

Answer 7

Do you want to raise a daughter who sees women as strong, capable, professional mothers? Then you are doing the right thing. Quit blaming yourself, and loading the guilt on. Several studies have proven that children who are in clean, competent day care environments do not have any significant developmental differences from children who do not attend. Relax...if you are confident in your day care, let them do their job while you do yours.

In order to raise strong, fulfilled, happy daughters...we need to be strong, fulfilled, happy women. This was a lot of change at once, and you need to realize that is why she is having extra tantrums. She is not trying to torture you, even though it can feel like they pull them when we are feeling most vulnerable!

When my daughter was old enough to talk, we started a goodbye ritual. When it was time for me to go to work, it looked like this:
"Where is Mommy going?"
"Work"
"Why does Mommy go to work?"
"Make me money...yea Mommy!"
She was proud and told all her friends at day care that her mommy made money just for her. Later, I would explain that the money was for food, the house, etc. She learned at an early age that the things around her came from hard work.

Good Luck. Remember that you are not going to win this battle every day, but you are winning the war. One day at a time (sounds stupid, but it helps to simply think of today, don't think of months at a time, it is too overwhelming). Some days, you gotta let some stuff slide...eat out, don't clean the house, whatever it takes to recharge. Make sure you get a support system around you. Find a day care friend of your daughter's whose mom can be a back up for you and vice versa...it will help both of you.

You can do this! Stay strong!

Answer 8

I am a full time working mother & I personally don't feel any guilt. I love working as a teacher & I know my son is well cared for by my mother. I feel like I still have plenty of time to spend w/ my son.

Here's my advice for you:
Just make the most out of the time that you do have w/ your daughter. Do you feel like you are doing what's best for you & your family?? If your answer is yes~ then remind yourself of that everytime the guilt comes.

Answer 9

There are positives about daycare too especially the socialization. Plus geez, a phD, you're a great role model. Just make sure the time you have with her is quality time. Save the loading of the dishwaser, laundry, for when she's sleeping. Unless she's helping of course - except for the knives!

You could also read the Linda Hirshman book - I like her topic, but not her style of writing.

Answer 10

Just keep in mind that it will all be over soon, And spend as much quality time with her as possible, do things with just the 2 of ya'll, it will be ok.