Am I valued as a Mum by my daughters?

Question

Serious Answers only pls. I am a stepmum to 2 lovely girls. We have a really good relationship & can talk about most things.
They still have regular contact with their Birth Mum, but she's very different to me. In her house they don't have 2 help around the place with any chores, they don't have 2 do homework, they are often sent to friends houses when they're supposed to be hanging out with their Mum because she likes to drink alcohol pretty regularly, they can pretty much do what they want.
In our house, we can seem a bit more strict because we encourage the girls 2 do chores to earn pocket money, we encourage them 2 get homework & assignments done (otherwise they would fail @ school), but we do a lot of fun stuff too - going for picnics, going to the beach, BBQs, we encourage sleepovers at home etc.
I just want 2 know if u were in this situation, which would you appreciate more - a place where ur input & company was valued or a place where u can do whatever u want all the time?

or is that not important? is the important thing that no matter what I will only ever be a stepmum and can never be truly loved or appreciated like a birth mum can??? :(

Before I close this question, I wanted to say thank you to all who responded. I had a tear in my eye just seeing that my husband and I are on the right track.

I will take on board the "love" factor and understand that it will always be a different kind of love because it is "earned" rather than unconditional - but to me that's what makes all the difference.

Thank you all so much for keeping me inspired in that I can rest assured we are doing the right thing and that ultimately the kids will value you us but most of all, take on the values we have instilled in them.

Thank you thank you thank you again :)

Answer 1

I have 2 sons. One lives with me and my partner, and the other lives with his father and stepmum.

I know this is going to sound immature, but I would feel very sad if my sons loved their stepmum in the same way they love me. But on the other hand, I'd be sad if they didn't develop a strong affection for her.

I don't think their love for you is dependent upon whether or not you make them do chores, or their homework. Their love with you as a stepmum grows from them knowing you as a person and seeing you providing them with a safe, loving environment.

When they're older, they may look back and think "wow, I'm so glad that our stepmum made us do chores because it made us better adults". But I doubt the thought crosses their mind right now.

At this point, the fact that you have a good relationship with them is more than many stepmums have, as many step-parents are never given that chance by their partner's children. That indicates that they value you dearly.

Just don't make the mistake of trying to compare the love they have for you and the love they have for their Birth Mum.
The love they have for their mother is unconditional; the love they have for you has been well-earned by you.

Hope I made some sense! And congratulations on your responsible approach to parenthood.

Answer 2

Thank God those girls have you in their lives! Their mum sounds like a person who needs serious help. She has opted out of parenthood in a dreadful way. I'm happy for the girls that you and their Dad care for them. You're doing the right thing and you know it. It's easy to let kids run riot and very hard to ensure they have all the things they need - like discipline and boundaries. You sound as though you have a great balance of love and fun with the basics we all need for a sound future. You're doing great. But remember, good parenting neither needs (nor usually gets) a thank you. But you already knew that and I'm guessing that you aren't looking for one anyway.

I always think that anyone who thinks they are a good parent isn't really paying enough attention! Well done you and your husband.

Answer 3

You are on the right track.Girls have to grow up and then they shall be able to discriminate and differentiate.The Birth Mom is after cheap popularity and it doesn't pay in the long run.More over.you have the responsibility and no body else.It's really not important whether they shall love or respect you later in life but your duty is.What goes around also comes around.They shall always appreciate your contribution,specially more when they have their own kids.All the best.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

I am a teenager, and If I were in their shoes, I would definately value you better as a parent. Although they would love their mother for that fact in itself, I daresay they much prefer you as a parent. Despite all the moaning teenagers do about their strict parents, we really do value boundaries(we don't like invasion of privacy though, like anyone else). I say don't worry about them not valuing you as a parent. I'm sure they really do, although they may not be very proficient in showing you that they do.

Answer 6

I didn't appreciate my own mother until was at least 19..Even then I still didn't appreciate her until I had children myself.

I think you are doing a fantastic job and you should be extremely proud.

As a child/teen of course they are going to love a place they can do what they want.....I *HATED* my mother when she wouldn't let me do what I wanted...I always wanted the "cool" mum...

You are being more of a mother by showing TRUE love by caring about them and their actions and by keeping them safe and responsible.

Kudos to you!!

Answer 7

If they dont appriciate it now, they will appriciate it later on when they are grown up/ Think about it, you are the one who tought them to take care of themselves and when they have families take care of their families also, not their real mom and they will thank you for that. It sounds to me that you love them more than their real mom.

Answer 8

believe that they do, it can feel disloyal to their real mum to love you this way, so they might not show it.