What would I do if I can forgive but CANNOT forget?

Question

My husband made a mistake ONCE, and although I have given him another chance, whenever we have some arguments, I always bring the past. I know that it irritates him when i do, but I sometimes cannot control myself. What can I do?

Answer 1

milovesawai,

we all make mistakes, all the time and not forgiving is staying in the past.
The challenge is not forgetting but letting go, letting go of the fear it'll happen again.
Law of attractions says "In life you get what you focus on" , if you focus on the mistake, you'll have more of them.
Make a list of all the good things about your husband and why are happy to be his wife and to have him as a partner. look at that list and focus on the good things you have together, not the mistakes and unhappy circumstances.
when you argue, you bring the past because you feel it'll strengthen your position , you know it don't, it makes you weak.
Imagine yourself sailing, every time you talk about this mistake, you throw an anchor. If you use too many anchors , you're stuck.
It is not him you need to forgive, you need to forgive yourself for feeling so bad when it happened.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery , today is a gift, this is why it is called the present"
take the learnings from that " mistake" and move on. there are happy tomorrows waiting for you , don't give them up for mistakes in the past.

Ronit Baras
The Be Happy in Life coach
http://www.behappyinlife.com/relationshipcoaching.php

Answer 2

I agree, too forget is very hard to manage. In fact a lot of people don't believe they can do it. It is not done over night. You have to take baby steps. This is how I try to do it and it usually helps. Do you know that by talking to people about this person who has harmed you will only make you miserable. Just notice the next time you have a conversation with your friend and you begin talking about whoever has hurt you. Notice your stomach starts to feel a little squeezy. Most of the time your not even aware. Talking about those problems will injure you mentally and physically. It is very hard on your nerves. So bottom line, try not to discuss this person or persons with no one.

Second, ,thing is to simply 'drop it' think of some thing else that soothes you.
It can be many things. Like a compliment someone has paid you. Just go over it just like you count your blesses. Write them down if need be.

Third, meet new friends, help someone with a problem. Smile at people.
You have no idea how it helps them.

I've done it and I know you CAN do it. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

I have answered questions similar to this in the recent past. To forgive is Devinne but to forget is not human. Depending on the "mistake," you may never forget it totally, but it should diminish with time. Before bringing it up next time, stop and think if you would want your husband to bring up your past at every breath. Yes you have a past that he is aware of, we all do. But would you want to have it thrown in your face at every turn? Think more about how it makes him feel than the way that you wish for him to feel at the moment. Also remember that others have gotten through allot worse situations. Try to remember why it was that you married him instead and just why it was that you stayed with him after his mistake. Often times, changing thought patterns at the heat of the moment may help you. Good luck.

Answer 4

It sounds like you haven't actually forgiven him. You say you have, and you give it lip service, but in your heart you haven't.

You need to pray/meditate/reflect on this and if you want to forgive him yo need to make the decision to do so. When you argue with him, do not bring up the past, focus on the issue at hand. Most people have trouble doing this, so don't be afraid to seek help.

Marriage Counseling work! Make an appointment today, and go. Maybe by yourself at first, maybe together, but go and get the tools you need to make your marriage a happy, healthy and fulfilling one for both of you!

One final thought...we're all only human, and we've all made our share of mistakes. Think about all the people who have ever forgiven you when you mad a mistake. Then pass that forward.

Semper Gumby

Answer 5

You forgive, but you will never forget. It is normal at least to me. I have forgiven, however, I will never forget. That is part of the learning process in your life. The only thing is, once you forgive somebody you are not suppose to bring it up, no matter how much you want to. Everybody would get irritate, because they don't understand, if you forgive someone, than you leave it in the past. But like it is you will never forget and that's ok. You can do it, if you want to stay in your relationship.
Good luck.

Answer 6

If the current dilemmas are reminding you of his faults it is really not wrong, you bringing up the past. You decided to forgive, and of course you will not ever forget, but you must adapt. Do not live an unhappy life. We can only do what we know is right for ourselves not for others. Some folks really don't think certain things are wrong, especially if they feel good while doing it, they can care less how it affects others, because in reality, it really shouldn't. You chose to marry someone that you did not fully know. Now you are upset as you learn his real character.
You remain true to yourself. I know this hurts a lot.
You must turn to God...

Answer 7

you know it always seems to be that you forget until something triggers that thought. My husband always throws up to my face when we were dating and i thought that me and my ex-husband was going to get back together. that has happened almost 6 years ago and he always brings that up. It is really hard not to. expressily if it is always on your mind. Like the saying is " It is easier to forgive, then it is to forget."
Just try not to bring it up, or sit down and talk to him and let him know that it is always on your mind and you want it not to be. Let him know without being in an argument and allow him to stand up for himself and give you a reply instead of fighting. good luck hun and hope that this helps some... God-Bless

Answer 8

it sounds like you still have some resentment, i tend to do the same thing. i guess sometimes i feel like he got off easy and wasnt "punished" enough for it. but what i have learned is that part of forgiving is also letting it go. its hard to forget, but if something is still bothering then maybe its more than what he just did, maybe you are afraid he will do it again or something worse. the next time you get into an arguement with him, try hard to stay calm and think before you speak, take a minute and figure out what is really making you mad! i have tried that and its helped, we dont turn one small thing into a huge blow out anymore! good luck!!

Answer 9

Thats easy! Its called making a decision of how you're going to react and respond in arguments before you have them. That means right now. Theres no such thing as not being able to control your behavior. You have to make a decision that
when, not if, you get into arguments you WILL NOT bring up the past. Thats a commitment you'll make to yourself on his behalf if youve truly forgiven him.

Answer 10

It's not fair of you and you know it....so you just have to bite your tongue and NOT BRING IT UP. To decide to work through or past something and then to bring it up and hold it over one's head everytime you have a disagreement, not only irritates him, but you aren't helping you or your relationship at all. Stick by your word, show your husband that you are true to your word just like you expect him to be true to his. Good Luck