How do I get a point across to my husband?? Are we going to last?

Question

Well me and my husband got married had a baby fast.. Granted it was early but we are very much in love. Our baby is 3 months old and I feel as though we are living in the 60's. Im cooking, Cleaning, Doing laundry, and taking care of our son 24/7. But I thought it was reasonable to ask my husband to change our sons diaper and feed on intervals when he was home. I know he works hard but he still expects me to do everything and when I ask him to do something he gives me attitude. Hes made comments like " do you job" and " Be a wife". Now I know he may have not meant them but I will never forget that. It just seems to be going downhill after our baby was born. Dont get me wrong our baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but It feels like my husband just wants to play with him and when something is wrong I have to do it. I just thought a dad should be more involved. Should I be firm with him, tell him to do things. I have tried the nice way and it doesnt work. Advice please?

Answer 1

You didn't make your son all by yourself and you shouldn't have to raise him by yourself either. It is not unreasonable to expect him to help you. He needs to drop the attitude that he works all day and you don't, because you certainly do.

Answer 2

The child is his too. He should be helping with something. Taking care of a baby is a 24/7 job, especially when the baby is only 3 months and you are still adjusting. I have an 11 month old and a husband that sometimes needs prodding, so I know what you are going through. Ask him what he is willing to do. Certainly he could help more on his days off at the very least. You are being a wife and a mother. That doesn't mean slave. A new baby can certainly test a marriage, but it can work if both people are willing to pitch-in. Is he the type who will discuss and work things out or are we talking the "shut your mouth and bring me dinner!" type?

Answer 3

i have been a stay at home mom and do know you put in way more the a 40 hour work week. think about it before you do something. is this a deal breaker for you? if it is tell him no yelling. you can get a part time job and leave the baby with him just so he can see how much work there is in kids. you can point out how much longer your day is then his. you can shadow him as to the work to a certain extent when he is not working you are not working. he is really out of touch men help with all household work including kids. my brother and nephew both do housework they've been married 5 and 6 years. both are not feminine very male. my sister-in-law is a stay at home wife and he would never leave everything for her to do. my brother can put some women to shame with his daughter. he changed diapers, bathed, clothed, fed anything she needs he's on it he NEVER has to be asked. tell him this fact, studies show men who help with the housework get more bedroom action hence a long happy marriage. i have asked men if they do housework and if it pays off. they smile real big and say yeah. the ones that do housework are happily married. the ones that don't get divorced by their wives. so he needs to get out his man pants and grow up. by the way i am divorced because he would not help. we are from 34 to 47 years old so he is behind the times.

Answer 4

Gee... I wonder what if you got sick who's gonna take care of the baby...

Anyway, I think both of you are still adapting to the new environment... I mean, it's only been like 3 months now. I think for first-time parents you will need more than 3 months to get used to your new routines.

Have you considered getting some "help/advice" from your mom or/and mother-in-law? I think they'll be all excited to be involved.

How about your sisters/sisters-in-law & other friends who have the experience being first-time moms???

You may also consider getting a maid or a nanny (last resort)???

Most importantly, I think you and your husband still need to have a time alone without distraction so that the 2 of you get to talk about this new situation that you are both in... get someone to help you look after the baby for a while, PLAN and prepare a nice romantic dinner with your hubby and talk about it.

Both of you will get thru' this nicely... :)

Answer 5

As a wife and mother of three I know exactly how you feel. Husbands naturally feel that women duties are inside the household (cooking, cleaning, and caring for the kids). Now I do agree with that, but some man are more extreme then others. I really had to make a stand, I insisted on my husband's help. I told him that when you are off work, then that's your break from work , when you step foot in this house its time for you to contribute, and see after the kids. It worked for me, I always have to tell him first before he do anything, but I don't mind. You need to sit down and talk with your husband. I've been a stay at home mom, but I have a Master's in Accounting, when I start working I will still have to take care of the household, that's what I tell him. Ask him to be more appreciative toward you and set down with him and map out different ways he can help out around the house. God Bless!

Answer 6

Time to batten down the hatches and ask yourself what do you want? Are you asking him something unreasonable? Are you needing a few minutes to yourself? Are you wanting him to do it all (i believe your not, but there are women out there that do want the man to do it all and we all know men can't do it, they're incapable, it's genetic)... I'm not a tactfull person. My man tried to do the "I just got off work and you want me to do what?"...and I'm not the kind of woman to let that fly for very long... I just started saying "you've gotta do something" "what are you picking us up for supper on your way home" and I tell him I need a break or i'm going to loose it and be one of those women on tv that kills her husband... and I leave for 1/2 hour to go get a soda or just drive.

You cannot take care of someone if you are not taking care of yourself.

I've got a 10 month old, I work full time and take care of the house (kinda), but you're going to have to know your limits and what you will put up with. Do you want to do it all? Do you just need a break now and then? Will he end up in the morgue if he keeps this "do your job" crap? Men don't get subtleness, you will probably just have to say "look, I need a break, this is your child too, I'm taking a long hot shower or i'm taking 45 minutes of mommy time". If he doesn't want to hear any of it, but still wants you to "do your job" then are you doing exactly what you'd be doing as a single mom? which is everything on your own anyway...

sorry, i may not be the answer you want...

Answer 7

That baby didn't get here on his own! He helped make the baby, so he should help take care of it. I take it that he is the primary breadwinner and you are a stay at home mother. You do your job everyday if you're taking care of that child 24/7. If he gets an attitude when you ask him to change the diaper, so what. He needs to do HIS job. You shouldn't have to compromise with him to take care of his child. Your child is not a doll, he's a real live baby so your husband can't just play with him and then sling him off to you.

I would DEFINITELY have a talk with him about this. With most men, the nice way doesn't work. You may have to talk to him rough and tough, so that he will get the message. Either that, or put the baby in daycare and go get you a part-time job or something.

Answer 8

Sounds to me like he didn't want a baby and wasn't ready. Oh well get over it. Its part of life, not getting what you want. I had a friend the exact same way-wouldn't change diapers, told her to get an abortion, was mean to her verbally and finally abusive-they are getting a divorce. Most of the time they either give in and start being a part of the childs and your life and helping or they don't and give up. And who wants to live with someone who's always unhappy and lazy? Try sitting him down and talking to him face to face. If he won't then get counseling for the issues at hand. He will either change or you will have to even if it means moving on without him. You are a human and have the right to be happy too and not be walked on and treated like a slave. Maybe start letting things go-leave his dirty clothes where he leaves them, don't wash them, take care of just you and the baby and tell him until he starts changing your taking a break because you deserve it and refuse to be treated like crap. He may see how hard it is without having you there to do everything and how embarrasing it can be when people come over you can explain the situation to them. They will get it, even though he doesn't want to. Its not a one person job-relationships never are. It took 2 of you to make a baby and it takes 2 of you to take care of that baby. Warning-he may use this against you in court if it gets ugly-believe me I know but its just an idea. I know its hard to raise kids alone-I'm doing it with 3 and I'm disabled too but the key word is "I'm doing it". Best of luck sweetie and God Bless.

Answer 9

Yes be firm, a man should know how to feed his own child and change a diaper, then he might appreciate just a little more all the care you are giving HIS CHILD. Just be sure not to hover and tell him how to do every little thing and make him feel insecure, then he will really NOT want to do any of it. Perhaps it might be a good idea for you to leave your husband with his own child for a few hours at a time....leave him with a bottle and some diapers and wipes and let him know you'll be back in two hours, three hours. Go to the store or to the park for some quiet time.

Answer 10

This is a tough situation. I would NOT recommend telling him to do things. He's your husband, not your child or employee. I know from experience that when you start "mothering" your husband, it will NOT last. It will drive you insane.

I suggest keeping a notebook with you at all times for a week. Write down everything that you do around the house. How many loads of laundry you did, how many diapers you changed, how many meals you cooked, how many trips to the store you made to get groceries or household supplies, how many times you vacuumed. Keep track of the amount of time you spend doing each thing, too.

Many working parents don't realize just how much WORK stay-at-home parents do. At the end of the week, write him a letter, explaining your frustration. Explain that you feel he is equally responsible for the baby while he's at home. It isn't fair to expect your "shift" to last twenty-four hours each and every day.

If it's in a letter, it's harder for him to blow things off with a joke. He's more likely to realize you are serious.

Give him the notebook with the letter. Show him that you, too, WORK for a living. You don't sit around and eat bonbons and watch soap operas all day.

Make sure you explain in the letter that you value and respect the fact that he works hard to support the family. Don't let him feel that you don't notice.

Also, it may help if you don't hand off the baby the very minute he gets in the door. If you can, give him half an hour to plop down and rest. In fact, if you can arrange for the baby to nap at the time he gets home from work, maybe the two of you can plop down and rest TOGETHER. Share your days' events, etc. When that half an hour is up, break time is up - for both of you.

I wish you luck. And congratulations on your little one!!

Answer 11

Talk and talk dear. Try to talk nice but firm. Never make he feel that you're order him to do it. Please..maybe help.
The good side is he tell you what he wants
.
My husband told me he want to get involve everything about our little one but i never ask him do anything except feed milk sometimes or just play with her,spend sometimes with her.
But it end up with his affair cause he said he can not have peace at home. My daughter never disturbing him but ...

Communication is very important. Don't give up and keep trying friend. And remember you must always looks cleans and neat even you're full time house wife..