Statutory rape: in WA state, legal age of consent is 16?

Question

My 14 year old daughter is dating a boy who is 17 (will be 18 in December)...I don't approve of the relationship. I think he's too old for her, and I believe he's pressuring her to have sex with him. They've only been dating for about 2 weeks and she's a virgin. I've done everything I can think of to talk her out of seeing him. I've talked to her about the possible repercussions of sex. I've made birth control available to her. She says she hasn't slept with him yet, but I suspect that she's not telling me the truth. My mom says that if all else fails, I should threaten to press statutory rape charges to keep them apart. I don't want to have to do that, but I also don't want to see her end up pregnant at the age of 14. I think he's using her. He has a history of dating girls this young, and the "relationships" are short-lived. I just don't want my daughter's life to be messed up. She thinks he's great because he's older, on the football team, drives...what should I do?

Am I over-reacting? Your thoughts please!

This is a serious question, and a big "thank you" to all who answer!

He'll be 18 in December.

Gnu S.: she's very "rebellious"...gets it from me, I suppose. LOL!

I'm a single parent of 3, and in college full time. I can't be there every minute to monitor her activities.

"Rio" the real Rio would not give the answer you just did. Who are you REALLY?

Gnu S.: excellent ideas...many thanks!

lkdragyn: yes, I fear that, as well. She and I have a very close, communicative, and up to now honest relationship. She may not be sleeping with him yet, but my parental intuition tells me that she's seriously considering it (if she hasn't already done so.) I don't want to do something that would jeopardize the close and honest communication that we share.

Steven D.: thank you for that perspective- I think I should talk to him.

Doc: I left a 15 year long abusive marriage and despite restraining orders and a permanent protection order, her father (now my ex-husband) stalked me for two years and then went to jail for assault with a deadly weapon and attempted rape- against me. I've moved very far away from him. We finally have some peace. But every time the phone rings and no one says anything, I wonder if it's him. You don't know anything about my life. You can take your patronizing, self-righteous rants elsewhere.

Doc: and one more thing: if I am guilty of being an irresponsible parent it is for the fact that I stayed in that marriage as long as I did. Getting out was the best thing I could have done for not just myself but especially for my kids. I stayed in that marriage that long because I mistakenly thought that my kids would be better off in a two-parent household. It was a belief that came from listening to people like you. What a mistake it was! It's going to take years to undo the damage. You know not of what you speak.

Cassius: Could you please be more specific? What EXACTLY am I doing that makes girls in this country get pregnant so young?

Answer 1

As prosperous parent indicated )I too am in WA) a stat rape charge would probably be a non-starter, although the threat might still be effective. (Or it could backfire, emboldening them if it is revealed not to be a credible threat. It depends how rebellious your daughter is.)

is it possible for you to crack down on her opportunities to be with this young man? I don't know if this is feasible (it depends a lot on your work and relationship situation), but can you monitor her school, extra-curricular, and social activities more closely?

This may just not be feasible. It can be very difficult. but don't be held back by the idea that you're not respecting her freedom. Young people need firmer boundaries. I just wish it was easier to enforce them.

EDIT

Pregnancy and STDs are not the only issues. her emotional development, her ability to form healthy relationships in the future, and even perhaps her physical safety may be at issue. You are NOT "over-reacting". Perhaps things may turn out fine, but this does NOT mean that you shouldn't take every precaution to protect your child.

ADDITIONAL SUGGESTION

Also, considering making contact with HIS parents. they may be dismissive or even defensive regarding your concerns, but they may also be eager allies, not wanting their son to engage in irresponsible behavior.

As a parent, you need all the assistance you can get.

You may also inform the school counselor about the situation. The counselor will of course respect both student's confidentiality, but he or she may also be aware of the young man's past activities and possibly assist you.

DOC

Lecturing her about single motherhood is completely counter-productive. And you also don't know her circumstances. Could she be a widow? Could she have been abandoned by her husband? Could she have had to flee an abusive relationship?

You really have no idea.

I really hate when people are so focused on their agendas (WHATEVER agenda that may be) that they can't be constructive in helping people with an immediate situation rather than using it as an opportunity to pontificate.

Answer 2

Hey Tera...firstly, I'm sorry that you're going through this. And I'm sorry that you feel so alone in all of it. I can't begin to imagine this situation, not being a mom myself, but I'll try to put myself in your daughter's head (easier for me)...

Firstly, she probably thinks she's old enough to handle this...and that you just don't have a clue. So maybe you need to have a very frank, motherly conversation...rather than one as a 'friend'. She is still only 14, and if you have to, impose a very restrictive curfew on her. I honestly believe she is too young to be dating, and maybe you need to lay down that particular law.

Like others, I also don't think the Statutory Rape threat is a good idea...for a variety of reasons. You may alienate her irrevocably, and you could ruin this young man's life (although I realize this isn't and can't be your first and primary concern at this time).

I DO think you are best served by talking to his parents about this. They need to start taking responsibility for their son. They probably have no clue about any of this.

Realize that she will HATE you for any action...at least for a while. It sounds as though you have a good relationship with her, and I'm sure you don't want to ruin it - but her life and its future is more important right now.

Good luck to you...and keep us posted...

Answer 3

As a parent, you are in a tough position. You have done everything possible to ensure your daughter's health and well-being by giving her access to contraceptives, but it is easy to understand why you hope that sex doesn't occur.
If you threaten the boy with statutory rape charges, than it may damage your relationship with your daughter. At 14 she is not old enough or mature enough to understand that you are trying to protect her instead of (I believe the usual teenage line is) "ruin her life". Threatening at this point may cause your daughter to cut off lines of communication between you, and create bigger riffs in the relationship later on, and the older she gets the more intense the problems will become. And if this boy is using your daughter, the last thing that would be helpful is to have a damaged relationship with her, she's gonna need you more than ever when he breaks up with her.
My advice to you is to continue reiterating the ideals of what you believe sex should be...whatever that belief is...and make sure that your daughter continues to have access to contraceptives. If you truly believe that your daughter is not telling the truth about already sleeping with this boy, than the damage has already been done, she is unable to return to a time when she was not sexually active.

Answer 4

it sounds as if you are aware of the poor choices you have made in your own life, and are fearful that your daughter is about to do the same in hers.

firstly: trust yourself and your daughter more. yes, it sounds as if you have had a bad time - and as if much of that bad time was probably your own fault. but you have survived. you are here now, and clearly have some kind of a relationship with your daughter. maybe your daughter will prove as robust as you were.

secondly: trust yourself and your daughter more. you are aware of the problems you landed yourself with as a result of acting irresponsibly / naively when you were younger. don't tell your daughter she mustn't do as you did (she has a right to her own life), tell her why you regret what you did - and how it went wrong. don't hit her with your power, teach her from your knowledge.

thirdly: don't take your mother's advice about how to deal with your daughter. your mother's advice never did you a lot of favours.

fourthly: f***ing the wrong person is always a bad idea, but as long as you don't get pregnant or an untreatable sti you can move on from it. if you try to stop your daughter from having sex with this guy then you lose your credibility to talk to her about not getting pregnant by him. in the medium to long term it is far more important that your daughter is having safe sex - whoever she is having it with - than who exactly her partners are.

....

btw. i am amazed that you are even considering the 'statutory rape' threat. even if it works and throws your daughter off this guy, what do you suppose will happen then? the next time she finds someone unsuitable - she won't even tell you.

Answer 5

Honestly, if I had a 14 year old daughter who was dating, I would think "What have I done wrong?" 14 is waaaay too young to be dating anyone. At this point (I'm sure you'll find this extreme but think about a parent 100 years ago-you know, the good ones that weren't all "laid back" like today's parents who have so many bad kids), I would forbid her from dating. Remember, you still have the authority. You are the adult. She is a CHILD. Not an adult. If she sees him at school, take her out of school. Homeschool her if necessary. You need to keep her out of a dating environment.

You are VERY right in saying that her life will be quite messed up if she becomes seriously involved with him. You will probably end up raising her child as your own.

Take some dramatic action and take it soon. Just remember that you are her mother and therefore, your word is law and there are no negotations on it.

Answer 6

Wow--that is a quandary. This is just random uninformed opinion, so don't take it as any more than that.

But I think that charging someone with statutory rape is not going to help your daughter any. She'll probably consider it to be a huge violation of trust and I doubt that she'll be convinced that you've saved her from anything. I also don't think, in all honesty, that it's fair to charge a minor with statutory rape. He's not really an adult either, though he probably thinks he is.

Have you tried confronting him at all? Why not give him a call and have the "hurt my daughter and I'll make your life a living hell conversation?" You might not have to start that strong. But I would give the guy a call. See how he reacts.

Answer 7

Hello TERA - sorry I'm late - just got up.

It's one of the most difficult situations telling a young daughter that although she's 'mature' she isn't exactly grown-uo - and neither is her predator. It sounds as though you are doing everything right, and that she knows you love her. The old rebellion used to be caused by "what will the neighbours say" - ("who do you love most, your reputation or me?"). You've proved you love her more than that, so leave it to her now. Sounds like you are doing a good job.

p.s. Rake your memory - don't you remember all those tired old cliches boys used to get in our pants? Tell her a few - some of them were beyond belief - at least it's a 'grown-up' conversation!

Answer 8

Hi TERA. I think that if you don't trust him than you probably are not overreacting. His dating history suggests that you can't trust him and it is likely that all he wants is sex.

And I expect that arguing with your daughter will just make her hard and not listen. I'm sure that she thinks that you are being unfair. But it doesn't matter if it's fair or not because you are her mother and and what you say goes. I think it is reasonable to tell your daughter that when she is no longer your responsibility than she can date anyone she wants to.

You probably don't want to go there with Threatening the statutory rape charges. I think that something like that it's better to do it or don't do it. You may want to let His parents know that you Will do it if their son does not end it with her.

I'm sorry that is something that I don't know enough (laws) to offer you advice about. But if you think about the effect on your relationship with your daughter and you think it is what you should do than that's the decision.

Re birth control access yes you are doing what you have to. Don't listen to idiots who say that you are encouraging your daughter.

What you may want to do in the future is tell her straight out that if she is going to have sex than she needs to see a gynecologist if she doesn't already and that she has to get a prescription for birth control pills w/o argument.

Sex is for people who are mature enough to be responsible for their protection and health (both condoms and pills). The thought of doing that will get her to Think. Maybe she will think very seriously about sex with anyone with the experience of getting an exam and paying for her prescription.

But with this guy..hey tell her flat out what you suspect and point out that no matter how hot and how nice she thinks he is and he drives and stuff that he may just be playing her and using her. You know that if he really cares than he won't be pressuring her for sex. Simple as that. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 9

1. I feel so sorry you are facing this.
2. At the same time, it is commendable that you have taken all the wise steps those should have been taken.
3. Forgive me if Iam wrong becz I am at a different place and I am not a part of your society. I feel that with the liberty given to teenagers (I am not condemning that), such situation may arise commonly and it will always be a big dilemma how to deal with it. If your daughter is well behaved, commited to studies and exhibits proper behaviour, don't be strong with her OR her bf. This won't help. Just let her know that you are with her and it won't change whatever happens. I repeat, whatever happens. This will reduce her stress & also yours . Wait & watch. If you are not after her, she herself will understand the situation and change her relationship.
All the best, brave girl!

Answer 10

What does her father think of all this ?
What you are doing is the EXACT reason so many girls in your country get pregnant so young. If she wants to have sex you aint going to keep her. What you should do is to talk to her and educate her about contraception and how an pregnancy can turn her life upside down. Make sure she insists on condoms. The guy has an history on sleeping with girls before ? I assume he has an history on not getting them pregnant eithier. Also dont worry about short lived relationships, do you hope she is going to find her future husband already ? How is she gonna know whom she wants to marry without frequenting guys ?