My husband lies about money, any ideas on how to stop it?

Question

I have been married for 11 years, have two great kids, and my husband is funny and thoughtful. BUT, he lies about money & little things to try to cover his @$$.
We have been in serious debt for our whole marriage & I finally had to take his name off the checking account. He was borrowing from those check cashing places, bouncing checks left & right & has bill collectors calling the house daily. Now I have this giant mess to try to clean up.
I don't see him changing. He's always sorry, says he wants to change but I am so tired of fighting. I've tried temper tantrums, begging, bargaining, calm discussions. I love him & our family so much, but when is enough enough? When am I just stupid for staying?

I do work & contribute to the expenses. He started getting the loans to help pay off other bills. Where do you get a financial counselor? Don't they cost money?

Answer 1

Start with the smaller problem the money issue.....you need to open a second account this one will be his and it will have a limited amount of money in it, the other original account (have the number changed) will be off limits to him and for bills, household expenses, only etc.
All credit cards should either be destroyed or placed in a safe deposit box and removed for Extreme emergancies only, no exceptions.
On to the bigger issue you guys should jointly see a councelor or therapist to make sure there is not an underlying issue contributing to his overspending. And he alone or both if you choose should consult a financial advisor or someone who can and will either control or actively advise on his spending habits.

The best and all you can do is to intervene and attempt to help.....it is up to him if he chooses to accept.

Answer 2

Well your husband shouldn't lie about this but I will give him the benefit of the doubt. You don't say anything to indicate they are having an affair (sexual or emotional) but maybe he feels obligated if he thinks it is his child and he knows you don't like it. So we will leave that part there. YES, you should take her to court and demand that she be ordered to have a DNA test done on the child. It is nothing for the child "to go through" are you kidding me? They will take a q-tip and swab the inside of the child's mouth. Brushing your teeth is more to "go through" than a DNA test!!! Obviously she is playing a game with other men, your husband should know this. It is not a bad thing he feels obligated, but bad if it is not his child. Obviously the woman is not sure it is his (or is sure it ISN'T his) or she would just do the test. It is VERY likely she knows damn well sho the father is and he doesn't have any money. You need to demand this test be done and no further contact until it is. IF the child IS his, then the court should set child support payments and visitation, it should be done in a legal and professional manner and his contact with this woman should be limited to what the court says. I don;t know about calling child services. It is possible if they find out the scam she is pulling THEY will demand a DNA test and save you some money and court time. But I think they would have to hear from you and one or more of the other men she is getting this from. It would be ahrd to prove extortion or any crime. First you have to prove she KNOWS your husband is not the father and without a DNA test, that is difficult. Of course if you get the other men to file charges it could be different. She knows it isn't MORE THAN ONE man! But I think criminal procedings are farthest from your mind (again it could be a way to save you money, file criminal charges and let the state pay for the DNA test in the criminal investigation, but they may not be interested. They have bigger fish to fry) Your husband will have to earn the trust back, again I am assuming there is no affair going but just a good intentioned effort to help what he believes is his child. If there is something else here going on...that is another story. Start by demanding your husband make his cell phone and computer history "public", i.e. giving you access to it at any time. It is your right as a wife to feel secure, it is NOT snooping. Tell him you want to be included in all communications about this child, after all it will affect you also.

Answer 3

It's time to start protecting the family and your assets. Separate all your financial stuff from him if you can, get him and yourself enrolled in some kind of counseling and financial planning/counseling. You've tried everything and he hasn't changed, so try something new. At some point, I would be so fed up that I would be tempted to leave also....my hubby has trouble handling money as well, but he falls just short of yours (no check cashing/advance places)....mine maxes out credit cards quickly, but usually once I put him on a budget he cracks down.

Answer 4

You have to find the root of the problem. "Why is he getting these loans?" Are finances tight? Then he has to realize the effects of his financial behavior. Financial counseling may be the key. A family budget can get you started in the right direction.....

Answer 5

i don't think you're stupid for staying....of all the problems to face i don't think this is a "run for your life" problem. but he has a problem. it's not just lying about money. heck, i lie about money and keep a few dollars around for mad money. but you describe serious debt, bouncing checks, taking out loans....that's more indicative of a serious problem. he needs a reality check. someone, somehow has to get through to him.

Answer 6

I don't think you are stupid for staying, but it is not your mess to clean up. Let hubby clean up his own mess. If he refuses to change (in ACTIONS, not just words) or clean up his mess, you probably need to get out of the marriage.

Answer 7

Ouch. Try marriage counseling or a financial management class. He needs to shape up or you need to move on. He is ruining your credit too.

Answer 8

Stupid maybe.. but cut him off from all the bank cards and credit cards you have your own and he have is own. Just because you cut him off from the checking he can still use the credit cards debit cards

Answer 9

You need to get to the root of the problem first. That is deal with his addiction. Once you can admit to yourself the fact that your husband has a drug, gambling, or other addiction, the you need to find an Al-Anon meeting.

Go to the Al-anon meeting, get a sponsor and work the steps. This will teach you how to deal with your husband.

Good luck.

Answer 10

I'm sorry, I cannot answer your question-the truth is I am going through the EXACT same thing! I was going to ask pretty much the same question on here. Please contact me if you need to talk-maybe we can figure out what to do together-or at least vent!