Wife got upset with me because .......?

Question

So we've been working through some issues with frequency / desire .... Last night we were talking (really openning up - I thought). She asked me why I felt that the "Sex thing" was all on MY shoulders.... I responded by stating that I feel she views it as a duty and that she really doesn't 'want' to do it - only out of obligation. I went on to cite the fact that its pretty stale, very little different positions, dang near silent, etc... I also stated that it frustrates me because when we were first dating / married - she was much more open, vocal, and adventurous - that I wanted to be like that again.

Well - she started to cry, then got MAD. She stated that "I'm not good enough for you-you want the old me-not me now..." I was like, "No, I want you - I just wish it could be like it used to be...."

HER -, "Well things change, you should just be happy you have a gal that wants to do it after 10 years..."

Ladies- How else could I have stated this as to not offend her?

After that - total shut down. I felt like we were able to talk and open up - then the door was slammed shut again because she didn't want to hear what I had to say...

I was trying my best NOT to be accusatory or blameful when I stated it, but she ASKED for me to explain my feelings - then got P*SSED off when I spoke my true emotions !!!

Why does this happen? How can I communicate without her feeling @ fault? I asked her about counselling last night and she agreed, but then also stated that she didn't think we needed it because it was an issue with MY expectations ?!?!? WTF ?

Answer 1

I think she's frustrated, and afraid....and hurt. She's feeling vulnerable because she perceives you to be UN-happy with her the way she is. She thinks she should be equally attractive to you now as she was then, which is not necessarily true.

She's partly right in that 'things change', but a LOT of things can change. She *should* be more willing to accept what you're saying rather than shutting you out.




You're *trying* to openly and nicely talk to her about something that is bothering you and she's giving you this kind of reaction in return...shutting you out. Unwilling to accept that she is as you is saying she is.

Had you gone out and cheated on her without bothering to talk to her at all, you'd be totally at fault for NOT trying to talk things out! But this is what you get when you try.....shut out.

For us all...when someone wants to 'talk' to you about the relationship...seriously with no maneuvering and bullsh!t, you'd better listen. It may be all you get from them before they get frustrated themselves and turn away and go off and cheat.

In my opinion.....talking to her in your own way....doing so nicely and with love and kindness is all you can do, short of going to counseling over this my friend. She needs to carry here part of the relationship and stop being so weak and broken by this, and drop some of the drama. She may be hurt or surprised, but she should know you well enough to know that you aren't trying to be mean or hurtful, just trying to discuss something important with her.

Good luck my friend....I hope you can get her to hear what you're saying.

Answer 2

I've been married ten years and let me tell you what ever you say will be viewed as you coming down on her. Try this buy her a nice sensual ..not sexy.. dress put it on the bed and tell her to meet you at a place where you can have dinner and drinks and make it feel like it is the first time that you two met. I've found that women after a while become stale after a while and they need someone to make them feel sexy. Now I'm not saying that your not doing your job , but talking and telling she's sexy doesn't work you have to do some off the wall stuff to keep the marriage going and usually it's the man who has to do all the work. Also try this, before she comes home run a hot bubble bath with candles around the tub and give her a full body massage that usually works to. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 3

First off, no it's not your fault. Women are completely different then men. Before we have marriage and children life is alot more carefree so of course our libidos are high. But as time goes by and our responsibility grows our drive falls. Men are proven to think about sex like every minute or something like that whereas women think about it like maybe once a day. Exaustion, stress, feeling unattractive, and depression can make it hard for women to even consider sex. Yes I agree, twice a month isn't enough. Explain kindly to her that men need intimacy to feel loved, women need words and kindness to feel love. My husband and I also had this problem. I tried to explain to him all the factors, so he would help out with the kids, house, etc. like twice and expect that to be enough to get me hot, well it don't work that way. Help her regularly so she's not so tired and overwhelmed. Then after the kids are asleep try some mood enticing things like a sexy movie and wine, if she doesn't like porn, just a love scene in a movie can help. The alcohol will help put her in the mood. Tell her how pretty she is and how much you love her, women really need to hear these things regularly. Just don't do things that make her tired, like taking a bubble bath together cause once shes tired your out of luck. Also try and take her out once a week without the kids if you can. Rekindling the love also helps put women in the mood. If none of this works, it could be depression, it can really kill your sex drive. Ask her to see a doc. Good luck!

Answer 4

You did the best you could; she just took offense. Re-open the channels of communication, but don't talk about the sex, for now. Just apologize for having offended her, tell her that you love her and that you want to be with her. Tell her you are going to find a counselor. You both need to go to counseling, because you have different sex drives, and obviously aren't going to be able to work through this without a mediator. Go ahead and look for a counselor. Go alone the first time if you have to. Then come home and tell her the counselor needs to talk to both of you to be able to find a resolution. (Of course, make sure the counselor does want both of you in the next meeting. Sometimes they work with one person before bringing the second in.)

Things do change after ten years. That's why marriages are harder to maintain as they go on. The point is to try to bridge those gaps before they become too wide to bridge.

Another note: she might lash out at you when the silence is broken. Try not to lose your temper, or get angry.

Answer 5

By the sounds of it she feels it already is her fault and she feels a little guilty.

By the sounds of it you couldn't have made it much better.

There is one thing I can think of though. Make it about her.

i.e.

"I feel like you don't enjoy sex any more. I'm worried there's something wrong. I don't want you to just be having sex for me - is there anything I can do to make it better for you?"

Then you bring up the vocal thing.

"When we were first together you were much more open, vocal, and adventurous. Have I done something to change that or has something happened to why that has gone away? Would you like to be like that again?"

As I say... all about her and and helping her as well as you.

I really feel for you. It's hard when things get difficult! Stress is so often the cause and then it causes stress so the problem gets worse!

Good Luck!

Answer 6

BEEN THERE DONE THAT....On the receiving end, in your wife's shoes. It's really hard to hear that we are disappointing our husbands. Especially if we feel like we 'work like dogs' with the house, the kids, a job perhaps...life is a lot of work, and then to find that our husband is bored...well, it is upsetting. Give her some time to cool down, go out and buy her a card and some flowers, a bottle of wine, and try to explain to her that you don't expect her to fix anything overnight, but that when you married her, she was your lover, your girlfriend, your bestfriend, you flirted, sex was new, exciting etc. Ask her if she misses any of that herself? Push her, honestly....tell her "I love our sex, but I know it could be better, what's wrong with wanting to add some spice back into things?" Tell her, "I didn't mean for it to come off like it was all your fault, I was just trying to explain my feelings." Tell her that you are open to any ideas that she has, and if she has none, suggest to her some ideas and see if she likes those. Get a sex game (board game) or some toys, lingerie, etc.....once a week, set aside a night to try something new. The rest of the time have your 'normal' sex.

Answer 7

I really like Girliegirl's answer!! Also something to think about. Not to pick on either of you, but you were probably more romantic when you first met too right? So if you want her to be how she was when you met, you have to treat her like you did when you first met too. Women (at least me) need romantic elements to feel close to our spouse. If we don't have that romance (special closeness) outside the bedroom then we're probably not going to feel it in the bedroom either. Maybe leave her love notes, tell her how much you enjoy spending time with her, make your time together quality time (better than just quantity), make her feel like she's #1 in your life (more than work or friends). Let her pick a date to spend some special time together & let her know that no matter what comes up, you will be there for her. It may take time, (depending on how long the problem has been going on) but eventually she will start feeling special & you will be greatly rewarded! Now, if I could just convince my husband that this is exactly what I need!!! You're not alone with this problem! Best of luck to both of you!!

BTW, I don't think you said anything wrong/offending. Like someone else said, she probably wants her old self back too, but doesn't know how or how to tell you what she needs in order to get it back.....

Answer 8

She seems insecure. Do you have kids? By what you say, how it changed, it's almost like her mind is somewhere else, and she's not into the moment. She's not the same woman you married. She is encumbered with responsibilities she probably didn't have then (I'm not saying that you don't have added responsibilities, but it seems to be harder for women to switch from mom to wife sometimes). She was more free mentally. That's not to say that she doesn't love you. She may even want the old her back, she just doesn't know how.
I would say to go to a at least a few counseling sessions. I think you need that 3rd party that isn't emotionally invested to help you two hear each other, and understand what you both mean. She may not feel like she needs it, but it can't hurt either.

Answer 9

Make the appointment. She will go.
Sometimes stress takes over our lives. I know I felt (a long time ago) that after working all day, then coming home and fixing dinner and doing chores and tending to two kids that I was exhausted and the last thing I wanted was one more thing to paw me or expect something out of me. It is a rut.... she just simply is in a funk that a lot of people go through. I feel for you feeling like it is all on your shoulders. I am sorry for your hurt. You must feel unattractive to her.. or unwanted. She isn't intentionally trying to make you feel this way. She cried because she wants to please you and you had just told her that she wasn't. I think telling her your sex life is stale was not the right choice of words. I would have to say explaing to her that you would like to add some spice to it or switch it up a bit with some different positions or even different places would have been heard better by her ears. If I were her I would have heard, "great he thinks I am lousy in bed!" But that is just me. We as women sometimes don't filter very well.

Answer 10

My husband could have written this..

Have you sat in her chair and tried to see things from her point of view?

Let me explain how I feel and maybe that will give you a glimpse into what your wife is possibly feeling.

Taking into account you have been married for 10 years, I am going to guess that your wife is about 35ish.. she could be perimenopausal and having hormone dificulties that make the desire for sex drastically decreased.

When it feels like there is ALWAYS an underlying pressure to have sex.. then sex becomes very unattracting and the desire starts to fade.. it does become a chore.

In my case, I work fulltime, I take care of the house, the kids, the dogs, my husband, I do the laundry, make the meals, pay the bills, and still manage to find time to go to school.

My husband goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, is in bed reading his book at 8:30pm and lights are usually out by 9pm.

He gets annoyed if I don't go to bed when he does so we can have sex. and it is a constant stressor in our marriage.. and he makes frequent comments about MY lack of desire/frequency of sex.. how long it's been since the last time.. bla bla bla bla bla.. and it get's really old.

What can change?

Can you help out with the kids or around the house a little more so she doesn't drop into bed exhausted at night..? How about giving her a body rub and getting her in the mood? Romance her.. bring her flowers..

take some of the pressure off of her..

and next time you feel like having one of these conversations.. start it with.. "What can I do to help you feel more romantic?"