How do you "un-spoil" a wife?

Question

I have spent the last 12 years showering my wife with love, attention, consideration, gifts, trips, dinners, drinks, and excitement. It didn't take her long to come to expect these things regularly. Now she's a stay at home mom to our twin daughters, and I have a home office. But it's taking it's toll. Am I wrong to expect her to wake up before 10am when the babies wake up? Am I wrong to expect her to keep the house clean? Am I wrong to ask HER to cook once in a while? Am I wrong for expecting her to go to the grocery store once in a while instead of the mall? I love my wife dearly and we have a WILD personal life behind closed doors! But lately I just feel like we've been lousy partners. How do I get things to be more 50/50 instead of 70/30? How do I get her to see that that the world doesn't revolve around her and HER wants & needs and that I have wants and needs too? How do you "un-spoil" a wife? (no we don't live in Orange County CA!)

Answer 1

How old are the twins? Something tells me you're underestimating the amount of work it is to be at home with two little ones all day. This Saturday, give her the day off. Take the kids 100% of the time. Then see if you still consider her spoiled.

Answer 2

Talk. You don't say that you have spoken with her about your feelings. If she doesn't know how you feel, how can you expect her to change? From what you say it seems like you just keep doing those things so she has no idea that something in your marriage needs to change because you need more from her.
Communication, open and honest is the best way to keep people together. Sure it may hurt her feelings a little, depending on your approach, but in the long run she'll be more appreciative that you finally opened up with her and told her what is on your mind.
Seems that in all other categories you have a great marriage after 12 years, congratulations. So make it a special night and then sit and talk after the kids are in bed so there are no disruptions.
If she truly loves and respects you she will take what you say to heart and begin assuming a more positive role in the home.

Answer 3

That's like asking how do you "un-spoil" a gallon of milk. I don't think it's possible. But in any event, you BOTH need to work together. I don't have kids yet but I could only imagine that raising twins is hard work for both you and your wife. Just because you're the breadwinner and you shower her with gifts doesn't mean that you can waive your responsibilities as a father. You still need to help her with those kids. However, it seems as if you work and she's at home, she should be able to keep the house clean, take care of the babies and cook every once in a while. I thihk she is being a little lazy because she knows she can get away with it.

I would sit her down and talk to her. Maybe she's feeling stressed or depressed or both. Ask her if she would like to set a schedule to where she can have some alone time and you watch the kids. Maybe the both of you can come up with a cleaning schedule. You need to come up with something that both of you can live with.

Just FYI, I would love to have a man like you. My husband is "nice" and "affectionate" but he doesn't shower me with jack s***. You sound like a good man! Keep doing what you do and good luck!

Answer 4

The problem is you spoiled her. It's like asking how do you un-spoil kids.

The reason you DON'T spoil kids is because they become bratty and bitching and demanding, and expect everything handed to them on a plate.

You spent 12 years in a marriage teaching your wife that you would behave a certain way. Now you want to change things around and have a more 50/50 relationship.

Well her habits will be hard to change. She has come to expect you to behave a certain way, and after all this is what you've done for so long, why shouldn't she expect it.

It's a little too late, but you should never spoil anyone, children or adults, or guess what, they will become spoiled. Hence the term.

Answer 5

I would plain out quit doing, it, if she doesn't have the house cleaned like she's supposed to, start throwing everything you see, in the trash when she asks what you are doing, tell her, it's not taken care of, we don't need it. Plain and simple. When it comes to the kids, they are the most important factor, she needs to be up with them, tell her, if she doesn't start taking care of the cleaning cooking and kids like most men expect a wife who doesn't work to do ( i know this because I am a stay at home wife and that's what my hubby expects) Then she needs to get a job. Just simply STOP spoiling her, and when she asks why, tell her, you're not going to be taken advantage of anymore, tell her how bad things are getting and that they need to change and if they don't the spoiling continues to be cut OFF! Hope this helps and GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

You need to tell her. I agree if she's a stay at home mom and brings in no income to the household then she needs to take care of the housework and kids. I say keep spoiling her with all the other stuff but let her know her role in the household. Good Luck

Answer 7

You need to find out what an average women's responsibilities are first. The fact that you are asking what is the right thing to expect from your wife causes me to think that you need some counseling in this area. Check out your areas large churches for competent counselors or one that you can trust.
Sounds like you are finally feeling shorted. Stop spoiling her if you don't want a spoiled wife.
My basic instinct is to think this letter is bogus. Go in peace.

Answer 8

LOL to the Orange County joke--but damn this sounds too good to be true- but from what you say- YOU HAVE been doing it for 12 yrs---so it may take 12 yrs to undo...(only kidding)... No you are not wrong but did you let her know how you feel? If not, then let her know how you feel--because if she is still sleeping at 10 with a kid- she may need to grow up....Also is her name Lisa? I ask because i just heard a story very very similiar to this........

Answer 9

Things have to change because you already sound frustrated with the situation and it will only get worse. You don't sound happy and she is definitely not in a wife/mom mode. I know this may sound like an easy answer but you should see a therapist. I don't work outside the home and my husband spoils me as well. BUT I take care of him AND he takes care of me. Thats the way it should be. Be open with your wife and let her know things HAVE to change.

Answer 10

When u get a good answer let me know cuz I'm in the same boat ( except the sex part barely get that ) and I have been married ten years and been trying to unspoil her for the last 6 (that's how old my oldest kid is) to no avail

Answer 11

ooohh. sounds like a job for wife swap. nothing wrong with showering her with affection but this has gone way to far. time for a good heart to heart with her. if you're working-in the house or not- you can't be expected to take care of the kids and house too.