I just passed my 5 year anniversary with my husband and we still don't have a good sexual relationship. He still makes no effort to come on to me, please me, or get to know my body at all. We rarely do it and I guess you could say all he cares about is the end result. I've lost all of my confidence because of this problem. I'm very sensitive to his ego and I've been very patient with him.
So my question is: Is it ok to end a marriage over lack of sex or good sex for that matter? I'd just like to know what you think about ending marriage over sex. I find it hard to end it over sex but I'm really unhappy.
2007-09-25 09:39:00 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes we've tried to work on it. We've had many discussions and even been in counceling.
2007-09-25 12:15:30 · update #1
OK, I thought I wasn't asking for advice. I just want to know if you think it's ok to end a marriage over sex. I've tried everything I could possibly try.
2007-09-25 12:17:52 · update #2
Dear one,
I am sorry for you. I was with my husband for 40 years. Within the first week of marriage, he told me to stop sitting by him and touching him. I might get action when he wanted it. But, honey, over the years, the 3 mos. of what I call "serial abandonment", went to 8 mos, and eventually, to 7 years.
Affection of any kind is withdrawn, along with the sex. It doesn't even matter who is orchestrating the perversion, because, in time, there is no intimate connection and no marriage.
"I've lost all of my confidence because of this problem. I'm very sensitive to his ego and I've been very patient with him."
"I find it hard to end it over sex but I'm really unhappy".
That could, just as easily, have been me saying that.
If this can't be fixed in counseling, then, know that you can't linger on, in what is a very painful and soul - sucking life.
You deserve it all. You don't get "time served" back.
God bless and strengthen you. I hope you don't mind the prayer.
C. :)!!
2007-09-25 11:01:20 · answer #1 · answered by Charlie Kicksass 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he cares he's trying, you are intimate in other ways (cuddles kisses) and there is a real reason why the two of you aren't having a good sex life (stress, injury, illness, past abuse) and you haven't tried everything just not having sex is not a good reason.
The way you come across though it appears he's never made an effort. It doesn't appear there is any reason behind it. You've talked and tried things and nothing has helped. Your losing confidence and self esteem.
I think you give him one last chance. Tell him you're thinking of leaving the marriage because you can't cope with this any more. Tell him how you feel about it. Give him one last chance to tell you why your not getting what you need from him and to make an effort to fix this together. If there is no chance after that. Yes - it's OK. You can't live your life feeling unattractive, frustrated and unloved!
2007-09-25 22:11:11 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Was he like this before the marriage ? Not interested in sex I mean. Was sex fine at first and then tapered off ? Are there signs that he is having an affair ? Could he be suffering from some kind of problems ?
I suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with him and explore these possibilities first. If he will not talk to you then you have a right to be happy, so perhaps you need to explore the possibility of a divorce.
Now for a hard question: Have you BOTH been keeping up your appearances ? I know that it is strange but sometimes one or both people in a marriage lets their appearance go after a while and the other person does not find them attractive anymore....
2007-09-25 09:54:44 · answer #3 · answered by I know a thing or two 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I Agree With Tom. I Love My Wife But Excess Weight Could Be An Issue. If You Are Shallow Enough Te End A Marriage Over Lack Of Sex And Try To Use Legal Terms To Explain Or Discredit The Possible Underlying Issue. Than You Dont Deserve To Keep That Individual In Your Life. Sit Down With Your Signifigant Other To Find Out What They Underlying Problem Is. It Is Easier To See The Faults In Someone Before Find A Fault In Yourself. Communicate With You Other Half.........It Is More Important Than You Think!
2007-09-25 09:51:44 · answer #4 · answered by Scooter 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
If you want to chose to end your marriage, it's up to you. There's nothing wrong with wanting a divorce because of a lack of sexual satisfaction. Lack of sexual satisfaction is the 2nd most common reason given for divorce. I can understand why you're unhappy. It sounds like you're a very caring, respectful and sensitive person. It's admirable that you've put your husbands needs ahead of your own but have you ever told him how you feel? Does he know how much you want him to come on to you, please you and get to know your body and how to make you feel good? Does he know that you want and are entitled to multiple orgasms? Please don't think you're not an attractive person that others would want to be with. The way you're being treated doesn't mean you deserve this type of behavior. So, you can tell him what your needs are and explain that they're not being met and ask him if he can do that for you. You can also chose to see a marriage or sex counselor to learn new ways to have fun and have your husband meet your needs. If he won't do that, you might have to make a tough choice. There's nothing wrong with choosing to leave a sexless marriage if you've tried everything you can think of and nothing has changed.
2016-04-06 00:53:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion, and not being a professional, Sex is a very important part of a relationship. It's how we express our love to one another, it's how one relieves stress, its how we procreate, and if you are not having sex with the person you are committed to then where are you getting it from? The answer is either nowhere or someone else. And if the answer is someone else then you should not be married to this man anyway. If he is not willing to rectify this situation and if after 5 years he still has no interest in getting to know your body and how to please you, chances are he never will. Ask yourdelf this question, do you want to stay with a man and have this continue, then look back in 20 years when your sex drive is dead and say what did i miss? Could i have fixed it, could i have found a more loving and considerate partner? Chances are if he is not willing to get to know your body then he is not willing to get to know you, which leads me to believe then in years to come when sex is no longer an option he will excercise this attitude in other sections of your relationship and what will you have then? A man that is still simply out to please him self and not take your pleasure or happiness into account. You can tell alot about your partners personality and life traits simply by what kind of lover they are. If this sounded too blunt i apologize, but anyone who has sex with another only for their own selfish pleasure it should be considered a violation of not only the neglected body, but the persons soul and who they are as well. Life is too short to be miserable, and if he is not willing to make you happy, no matter what it relates to, then you deserve a more compassionate partner.
2007-09-25 10:07:17 · answer #6 · answered by LawlietLover 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No don't end your marriage over sex. I think you should pray for you husband and pray for your sexual relationship. A good book to read is Every Womans Battle. I have had that problem in my marriage. Pretty much the same way but we've only been married a year and 5 months. Good luck. God can fix anything just try Him.
2007-09-25 10:22:46 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
What people don't know is that when a marriage is lacking sex or good sex for that matter, it is due to many reasons. One of them is that the couple does not have good communication, another one is that the two persons involved do not have much in common. another reason is that they don't have a romance going between them. There is also a lack of being in love. People confuses loving someone with being in love. For a marriage to succeed they have to be in love with each other. To answer your question, he doesn't seen to be interested in fighting for the marriage, so if he doesn't care, what's the point in continuing with it. He appears to be a selfish man, he doesn't seen to care. So go ahead and divorce him, you deserve to be happy. There are plenty of men out there that will love you and care for you the way you need him to. A man that will make you happy not only in your marriage, but in bed as well. There is no reason to try to fight for something when you are the only one doing the effort. Go ahead, you deserve to have a future with someone that will give you everything you deserve. Good luck.
2007-09-25 10:04:59 · answer #8 · answered by Ricardo R 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes - second to infedelity and money problems, this is probably the biggest marriage killer out there.....
However, you should NOT throw in the towel unless you have tried all reasonable ways to solve this problem. Have you two actually talked about this issue (in a calm repsectful manner)? Does he KNOW of your frustration? Maybe the two of you could benefit from some books / toys (or both). Visit your local Barnes and Nobles - they have racks of books on this subject.
Maybe he needs to see his MD and get a Rx for the littel blue pill? Maybe some lidocaine to help him "hold off".
Perhaps the two of you could look into marriage / sex counselling - it could be of benefit for BOTH of you.
If you have either tried these things, or suggested them and he is unwilling to at least TRY - then you're in a tough spot. I recently went through a similar situation with my wife and it actually took me stating, "I don't think I can go through the rest of my life with things being like this....." for her to actually wake up and see it as the problem it really was / is.
To your husband - he gets his, so in his eyes maybe there isn't any "problem". I'm not suggesting you threaten divorce as a toll to get him to understand how big an issue this is for YOU, but if you're really reaching a breaking point, he needs to hear this from you.
Then you two can either choose to address it - or he can ignore it. That pretty much gives you your answer to the future of your marriage anyways. If he chooses NOT to try with you - then the decssion is on you. He's made up his mind. Now you can either live in a marriage like that and learn to accept it (or go through life hating it - but stay), or you can choose to move on and find someone that you are more compatible with.
Just don't give up without fighting for it - if you have a loving partner - that's 1/2 the battle. If he's willing to work with you, that's another 1/4 of the battle - you don't just quit on something when you're 3/4 of the eay there !!!
Best of luck ....
2007-09-25 09:51:18 · answer #9 · answered by aa889d 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Scary when you say that you 'still' don't have a good sexual relationship? Usually it is the other way around with married couples. Anyway, don't marry somebody that you are not sexually compatible with (even if it is too late in your case, but maybe others will learn from your frustrating story), so make sure that this is the case prior to tying the knot.
Yeah, good sex is important in any relationship (even marriage) since you are likely to stray without it, so that means it is over.
2007-09-25 09:52:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋