My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years (maried & living together since this past January). He has never had a voracious sex drive and has always refused to go down on me although I do it to him every once in a while and he seems to like it. We probably have sex twice a week on average. I just can't figure out why he's not more into intimacy. I love him and love other aspects of our relationship, he is very kind and a great partner. I am just having a hard time understanding a guy that is just not that interested in intimacy. He'll have sex, but it's more of a get in get out, get on with life. He very seldom touches other areas of my body which are so sensitive and important for a woman to really enjoy sex. When I bring it up, he gets uncomfortable and says that he just doesn't need it that much and that he's not really into women's boobs when I suggest that I would get more arounsed if he paid attention to other areas of my body. Any suggestions?
2007-09-25 08:55:14 · 19 answers · asked by Peachgirl 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Do you cuddle or sit together a lot? Maybe physical contact outside of the bedroom could help spark an interest hin him. Don't push him to go down on you, until he's comfortable with it. Do you flirt with him at home? Do you kiss a lot? Have you asked what turns him on? Be very supportive and at least try to appear understanding as he explains it - that means no gasps, shifting eyes, or "oh's". Make sure he's comfortable and "in the moment" when you talk about it.
Maybe he is clueless about your anatomy and doesn't know how it works. Maybe he doesn't understand his feelings about sex and ignores them rather than embrace them. There are a lot of unknowns that could factor into this. Find the right time and discuss this with him.
There could be a lot of unhappiness that he's dealing with that's turning off his sex drive. Unresolved issues or burdens of guilt.
Good luck!
2007-09-25 09:02:27 · answer #1 · answered by Kyle Rayner 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he has some kind of health issue that's effecting his sex drive, that happens a lot. It's terrible to say but two times a week isn't really all that low, wait until you've been married about 15 years, the two times a week will turn into about once per month.
Try couples therapy (they touch on all areas of your life together sex, finances every thing in general)
As far as the oral sex thing goes don't give if you don't receive...Sometimes that makes them think.
Good luck.
2007-09-25 09:15:36 · answer #2 · answered by Ms. M 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Most guys appreciate romance as much as women do, they just have a different way of expressing it. Guys are just wired differently. It might be helpful to both of you to read, John Gray's books, on Venus and mars, esp, "Venus and Mars in the bedroom" which goes into the differences in sexual responses and needs of men and women. Is he wanting to please you, or doesn't really care of you are satisfied? I'm wondering if it's a question of needing to nurture the love rather than just sex, or perhaps he just doesn't know what your wants and needs are? Communicate your wants and needs, listen and be responsive to his. If he isn't responding to yours, it may be time to start asking if he really loves you. Learn, Listen, communicate, love.. and usually the sex will follow..
2007-09-25 09:21:03 · answer #3 · answered by shine_radiantstar 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm going on 5 years of this. Same exact situation only sex is far less often. Going on a month right now. I was just crying over it just a minute ago so i feel your pain. It just don't get better, ever. I don't know what to do but I'd like to think I'm not so shallow that I'd leave him over sex, but I think I might one day.
2007-09-25 09:06:42 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He might be gay. Or it is like he says and he just doesn't have a high functioning sex drive.
For myself, I just got divorced after 18 years with someone who was like your husband. I wanted to do "all kinds of stuff" to her and she just wasn't ever having it. In nearly two decades she wouldn't ever let me go down on her. Other than some freak episodes, she mainly was never interested in anything but straight sex in a certain way.
For me, the irony was that, in the end, she accused me of only wanting to get in and get out. I friggin' hate her for that.
I wish I had cut and run waaaaaaaaaaaay earlier.
2007-09-25 09:01:56 · answer #5 · answered by Avatar 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Umm ok now that's weird a guy that does not like to be with his wife in intimacy. Um ok here's a thought I suggest a psychologist for him because he could be deeply deppressed or in the closet about being gay but if he is straight he's most likely deppressed.
2007-09-25 09:05:44 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try to talk to him about how it would make you feel loved etc. if he was more interested in your needs. Ask him to just try. And when he does, reward him and show your appreciation. You will have to figure that part out. I agree with others that you knew about a lot of this to start with. I do not think it has to do with him not loving you. It is just the way he is.
2007-09-25 09:02:53 · answer #7 · answered by Wolfithius 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Twice a week is not terribly low. Just watch when it drops to twice a month after a few years, unless you take serious steps to keep it good.
You can't change anything. You knew he was like this when you married him. Why did you think it would be any different later?
I have no pity for someone who buys a moldy apple and then complains that their apple is moldy. Sorry. Love the one you're with.
2007-09-25 08:57:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
With as much as he works I can understand how he can be tired most of the time. I feel that way sometimes, but Im sure the green he smokes isnt helping as well as the porn he looks at everyday. I say tell him to lose the green and the porn and try to do something to him to relax him (massage, something sexy, etc) If he is unwilling then I would leave him. You have to be willing to "try" in any relationship or it won't work.
2016-04-06 00:50:06 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say two times a week is not so bad. Other than that, he may be stressed from work, depressed. Depending on his age his testosterone level may be dropping. Honestly there is probably a clear reason but you would have to give more detail. You may be a huge pain in the *** or he may be gay - hard to tell with the information presented.
2007-09-25 09:03:09 · answer #10 · answered by chanter123 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋