I almost MARRIED a SEX OFFENDER. I cancelled my wedding when I found out. We were together for five years.?

Question

I have been alone now for three months. I live in "our" home that we bought together. I raise "our" dog, Rocco. We had a great life. Travel, great careers, movie dates, slow dancing in the park with no one around- stuff that movies are made of. Then three weeks b4 my wedding I find out that he committed a felony against an underage girl when he was 19. I think that age is old enough to KNOW better. He never told me.
This has devastated my life. I get sick, cant sleep, vomit blood from stress, fears of going broke. He is completely out of my life, but picking up the pieces after losing what I thought as the Absolute LOVE of my life, has been killing me. I have dreams about him- us at the altar...
My health is suffering. Money's tight- I got stuck with the entire mortgage, all the bills.
I see a young, talented, educated woman when I look in the mirror. Yet, I lost the last five years of my life. Sleep next to the dresser that holds my engagement and wedding bands. Any good advice?

OKAY>>>> He was 19, she was 10. No rape, he inserted his fingers into her. She was a family member. He went to jail for 2 years. It was not consentual. There's the answer to all of your q?'s.

Answer 1

How much younger was the girl was she like a teenager? in which case it sounds like a stupid stunt her parents used to keep them apart. Have you looked into it more have you really heard him out. I understand where you are coming from but remember not to be so quick to judge.

Answer 2

After reading the details (the "felony" part pretty much negated consentual teen sex), the only recommendation I can make to you is this.

As part of his sentence, he would likely have had to complete a sex offender therapy program. If he did so, and if he truly understands what he did was wrong and why, and if he honestly took responsibility for his actions and is not going to repeat them, then there may be a chance that it was teenaged stupidity and that he has learned from it.

And if that's the case, if he's truly changed and become a different person, then I can't help but think that talking to him about it and trying to put it behind both of you might be an option.

There is more to him than this one act in his life.

He didn't tell you about it - that's a big problem, because communication is paramount in a relationship, But given the circumstances, if it's truly in his past, maybe he thought it was better not to say anything. If you think he's worth fighting for, then talk to him and see what he says.

Know that as an RSO he's going to have restrictions on him for the rest of his life - that's another thing you'll have to decide if you can deal with.

On the other hand, if he has not taken responsibilty for it or acknowledged that it was wrong or for whatever reason is at a high risk of repeating the behavior (and sex offenders have a high recidivism rate, and many of them don't acknowledge their behavior), then getting away from him is probably the best thing you could do.

Answer 3

Ok, I can somewhat understand what some of the others are saying about it could depend on the age, blah, blah. But, you two had been together 5 years and he never told you. If it wasn't a big deal to him, he would have told you alot sooner into your relationship. Moving on from someone you love is very hard. It's not as easy as people make it out to be. Since it is affecting your health, I would suggest seeing your physician. You may need something to take the edge off. Nothings going to solve all of your problems, but it can help. Just try to keep yourself busy. You will probably be hurt by this betrayal for a while. Give it some time and everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I'm so sorry for your grief! Hang in there!

Answer 4

Regardless of what “may” have happened with him and that girl, you clearly found it to be an event that you wanted no association with! It made you uncomfortable and you just didn’t like the fact that it happened period! You have that right, you have your boundaries, so good for you! I completely understand why you left, number one, he didn’t tell you about it! Number two when you did find out about it….well, the timing couldn’t of been worse, especially a few weeks before you two were to be married. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m sure that you hurt and that you feel cheated. I’m also sure that you’re probably beating yourself up for not finding out about it earlier, or thinking that maybe you might have missed a clue that he gave. I can’t tell you when the pain will stop, only that one day it will and you’ll stop crying your heart out for this man. What he did to you was deceitful and it shows that his character as a man was/is not great! The only thing I can say is that you should be happy you found out about this now, rather than later after you two were married. You need to pick yourself up and put on foot in front of the other and start over! Good luck!

Answer 5

Did you even find out the age of his victim before you dumped him? I am curious how old he is now in either case, chances are he's been through treatment and despite what society is lead to believe, very few people reoffend after successful treatment, very few being less than 5% of those convicted. At 19, he was in fact a child himself though his victim was rather young...any number of things could have lead him to do what he did, whether it be insecurities or other life factors. If you loved him, and it seems you did, I think I would have at least give him chance to explain the situation. It's true, his not telling you was a mistake, but maybe he didn't tell you because he knew you would do exactly what you just did, fly off the handle.

I think you should have given him a chance to explain the situtation, it's even possible he wasn't guilty but just couldn't convince a jury of it since it was his word against hers. In alot of other cases, a women will say her child was molested when they really wasn't just to get even. In either case, people can change and if you spent the last five years of your life with him, he deserves the benifit of the doubt because for one, he could be totally innocent...but even if he is guilty, people CAN chance, you'd be surprised. Don't let society make the decision for you, it's YOUR life and YOUR the one who has to live with it. If its not too late, i'd talk to him, I think the both of you deserve at least that much. I dont know how old you are now, but think about how much you've changed since you were that age....there is a huge difference between a 19 year old and a 25 year old for example....alot of things change, especially compulsions of a sexual nature. I think you over reacted.

Answer 6

Yes this would be a good case in point to present to any young man who puts love before the law. Sleep with an underage girl, & you will be labeled as a sex offender for the rest of your life. No matter how you live your life after, just make one mistake, & people will shun you.
There was even a case I saw recently on TV, where another young man was so incenced by pedophiles that he logged on to the internet, & got the names of registered sex offenders in the state of Maine, & then went on a killing spree, randomly showing up at the doors of these guys, & shooting them dead. Fortunately he only managed to kill two people before the cops caught up with him.

The sad part was the guys he killed were perfect strangers to him. The pedophile he was angry with came out of all of this without a scratch. One of the guys he shot to death was a guy just like your ex-fiance. He made a mistake once, & paid for it, never committed another crime before, or since, but wound up permanently listed on Maine's sex offender registry. That made him more of a victim than an offender in my books.

The way I see it, it's not so much how you lived, but how you are LIVING when I judge the quality of a person.

You are on the path that you chose. There were other options open to you, that didn't have to involve tossing him out with the trash. For 5 years he showed you how he intends to live out the rest of his life. Not as a sex offender, but as a normal, productive human being. Everybody deserves that chance if they work hard enough for it.
You didn't lose the last 5 years of your life, you threw it away the minute you saw it had an ugly side to it.

Your right about one thing...he should have told you. It wasn't right or fair of him to lead you into a serious relationship without letting you know of such a thing. That was definately wrong of him.

Now I think you are creating a tragedy of your own, by letting something that is more than 5yrs in his past destroy what would have otherwise been a storybook relationship.

I hope you can work it out so that you can be happy again. I really do. :-)

Answer 7

He wasn't the love of your life if you walked away from him for a past transgression. People make mistakes and they also grow up. Just because you think he should have known better doesn't mean that is how the world works from someone else's point of view. If it was a violent crime then I can understand your issue. If it was consensual and he got into trouble just because he was with a younger girl then I'd say you made a mistake.
My advice is to give your self time. It has only been 3 months. You did not waste 5 years, they were 5 happy years with a man that made you very happy. Never regret something that once made you happy.

Edit:
Ok now that you put up details. Good call on your part. My advice still stands. Don't regret your time with him. You didn't know and are not at fault. The rest is giving your self time to heal up.

Answer 8

Wow... You know, life is short and it sounds like you met someone really great, even if he did have a past. He should of told you up front though. Do you know how old the girl was? I mean, it's kind of different if he was 19 and she was 17. But if he was 19 and the girl was like 12, then that's a whole other story. It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and you make strong decisions. Maybe you should think about seeing a therapist? Maybe try some medication to get you through it? Just remember, this too shall pass.

Answer 9

Let's back up for a minute. When he was 19, what was the felony? If it was statutory rape, that means he had sex with a minor as defined by the State laws. I MIGHT consider that to be a case of very bad judgment. But, if it was sexual molestation or rape, then I would have done exactly what you did.

With that said, you're decision is made and you've ended the relationship. Give yourself a brief period of grieving, and then get on with your life and make something of it.

I suggest that you sell your home, but please keep your dog! I also suggest that you see a therapist to help you emotionally. Best of luck to you.

ADDITION: Adding those extra details was obviously painful for you. But they help us to answer your question. You did the right thing. A 19 year old has no business touching a 10 year old and he deserved the jail time.

My advice about moving and therapy still stand. Good luck.

Answer 10

Im so sorry about all this! BUT what if you married him then Suddenly he offended someone you know!! That would be hell! You say you're an educated women and that's great! So open your eyes! Start thinking about what you you CAN DO! so you can't get married and so on but start concentrating on what you CAN DO before it's too late. I'm not saying dont be sad. I know its hard. But give yourself maybe an hour a day max to be sad and pitiful about it! Be grateful that this didn't get worse, that it could have been worse! I mean imagine that you had a child from him or something!! Start looking for solutions! I hope you heal soon but don't be hard on yourself. Goodluck dear..

Answer 11

I'm guessing that he was actually convicted of rape and it wasn't a case of consensual sex with an underage girl. You wouldn't have been crazy enough to cancel your wedding over something like that. Cancelling over something as serious as a true sex offense is just common sense! You did the right thing. Sell the house and get rid of the rings. Start dating again....it's been long enough feeling sorry for yourself. Time to forget and move on,.