Am I over reacting?

Question

My husband has a very addictive personality and he was a smoker since we have been together it has been an issue and he had said he was done well on a number of occasions I have found him doing it yes it bothers me because I think it is selfish but more so because he lies to me about it and will tell me he is not doing it. My thing is don't hide it if you are doing it and do not lie about such a stupid thing because then it makes me wonder what other lies you are telling? Am I being crazy

My husband has an addictive personality and he has been the smoker that smokes when he has a drink and that is ok but lately he has been chewing more and more and when I asked him about it he said he was not I more angry about the lie then the other if you are going to do it do io and do not hide it. If you can't tell the truth about little things it brings in a trust issue am i over reacting

Answer 1

Perhaps your husband is trustworthy but not as mature as you'd like him to be. Of course you would like to know the truth about if he's smoking or not but he may have the problem of not having the courage to own up (an extremely common scenario in nearly all relationships).

Answer 2

A bit.
I can appreciate what you say, but although I am not a smoker myself, I have met enough of them to now understand that, smoking is REALLY addictive!
They could nearly do anything to have a drag!
And quitting, as much as they would want to, is very difficult and impossible for some.
Between being with a woman and having a cigarette, some wouldn't think twice and would go for their cigarette!
You knew he was a great smoker when you met, don't give him such a hard time!

Answer 3

Dear Kristi S,

I don't think the question is that your overreacting. More than it sounds to me like a dead issue that isn't open for discussion on your husbands side of things. Most men hate confrontations. So instead of divulging all their dirty little secrets. They either say nothing or lie about it, to avoid at all cost confrontations. Men are better at walking out of a room during an argument. Women choose to stay and have it all out in the open. That my Dear is just the female make-up of our brain. Men are not developed in this sense. It's not their fault. It's all in the way we were put together. So stop beating
your head against the wall and taking this as a personal blow. This isn't doing either one of you any good. I assure you, once you stop the browbeating, he just might come around and admit it. Doesn't mean he is going to stop doing what he is doing. Either cope with this or you may have to find another place to live, and not be so miserable.
Find something you like about him instead of all the dislikes.

Sincerely,

Marseille

Answer 4

Quit nagging him huh. Tell him "Go ahead and smoke. Just do so out doors or in the garage please". Your nagging and needling him leads him to lie and hide it from you. Me on the other hand..I quit and started again. Told the wife too. She expressed displeasure and I told her..."Sorry...but I enjoy it". I smoke outdoors which has cut back on my cigarette comsumption drastically.
Thats the only 'lie' he's telling you I'm sure. i sometimes wonder why men skirt these issues instead of being forthcoming. My philosophy? Tough. You'll get over it. Is that being selfish? No. How is it affecting you? Oh..the old "You'll die sooner" routine. Well..maybe not. there's alot more to be selfish with and about other than lighting up the occasional butt.

Answer 5

You're not crazy, but you are nagging him. When you complain to him about his smoking, you're not opening a dialogue with him or asking him why he does it - you're just lecturing and scolding him like he's a little kid... so, naturally, like a little kid, he will hide it from you and lie about it.

Try treating him like an adult, and he will respond like an adult. Sit down with him and talk calmly. Use "I feel" statements to explain your position, and avoid blaming him. Explain your concerns about how smoking affects his physical and psychological health, how it impacts your health as well (from residual secondhand smoke), and how important it is to you that he faces his expensive and unhealthy addiction. Tell him you want to share a long, healthy life with him, and that quitting smoking is an important step in that process.
Then ask him to explain why he smokes, the relief he gets from it, the reasons he can't or won't quit, and really LISTEN to his point of view. Don't interrupt and don't argue each point - just listen and try to see his point of view.
Then work together to come to a compromise you are both happy with.

Focus on the issue at hand - smoking - and don't let your imagination run away with you. He is not necessarily lying to you about other things, and it's unfair to assume that he is.

Answer 6

You cannot expect a smoker to quit for you. A smoker has to want to quit for him or her self. The lying comes from your expectations and not from his desire to lie to you.

If this was that much of an issue for you before you married, you should not have married him. I would never have married a smoker.

You either need to learn to deal with the smoking or maybe there is a distant chance that you can get your husband to want to quit smoking. I would not count on that though.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 7

No, But just as addictive. You married a smoker, and you may have all the good intentions behind wanting him to stop, but he is the one that has to do it. it's always easier to quit when you are not the one who has to quit. I would say you have been checking up and nosing around. You are the one destroying the trust, he is the one working on quiting. it's hard and takes on average 7-8 times before someone can quit. give him the space, time and support, and he will stop the lies.

Answer 8

Perhaps if you stopped making an issue of his smoking, he would have no need to lie, it is very hard to give up, you knew he was a smoker when you met, he no doubt would love to be free of the habit, encourage that, he hides it knowing your objection.

Answer 9

Not sure if you're over-reacting but I would like to ask you to give him a break.

I'm a smoker and I hate it! I've tried to quit and I'm still working on it but it just has not come to fruition as of yet. I hide my smoking from others including my boyfriend because I'm so ashamed. However, I don't lie about it and if asked I do confess.

I understand your concern and I pray your husband will work on and overcome his habit as I pray I do.

Be blessed.

Answer 10

No that's perfectly normal. I can't blame you.

To tell you the truth though I think he is lying because he knows it upsets you, so to keep every thing on an even keel he will tell you a "white" lie. He doesn't want the headache. I don't think he realizes he will have a bigger one if he lies and you find out.

Encourage him to quit. My bf helped me quit by buying me the nicotine patches. They help take the cravings away but he has to want to quit also.