Why do people put up with so much pain?

Question

I have seen several people, myself included, put up with so much pain from a bad relationship or marriage. I understand there are many factors in it, but when the good outweighs the bad (way outweighs) what makes you stay? Fear of change? Low self esteem? Why do we take it when we could be a wonderful girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife to someone who actually deserves it! I know there are happy people out there, and more power to them, but does anyone care to weigh in?

Your right! Bad outweighs the good. Thanks for pointing that out!

I love all the comments and I understand the logic just as much as all of you do, I just wanted some feedback from other individuals.

Answer 1

I've often wondered that myself. Women often choose the wrong kind of man because they think they can have that bad boy and a great marriage as well. They think they will change him. Meanwhile there are good men out there that would treat them great.

There is also another angle to it and that is that the world is made up of givers and takers. Givers often get stepped on but you can't ever really stop being a giver, you just learn how to give more selectively.

Answer 2

Self esteem/confidence/fear is surely part of it, but a sense of commitment or obligation can make a person stay too- even if the relationship is bad. Some people (myself included at one point) have really wanted a relationship to work- since it did at one point- it worked so well that I married the man in the first place, and that wedding ceremony meant commitment to me. But time passes, people change- sometimes not for the better, and sometimes hard choices need to be made.

Answer 3

My husband and I went through a period of extreme stress. We stuck with it because we had made a commitment. Because I had confidence in him as a person I knew that if we worked together we could have a closer relationship. However, although he did have an affair with a woman from work, he never hurt me physically. We do not have children so I didn't have that to worry about. If he had ever physically hurt me or abused any children we might have had in any way, I would have been out of that relationship faster than you could say jack rabbit.

We are actually a very close couple now. He knows that if he ever strays again I will not stick around and he will be left with less than the shirt on his back. This course of action was agreed upon by both of us and whole heartedly supported by both of our families.

Remember that a strained relationship just MIGHT not be totally the other person's fault.

Good luck in your struggles.

Answer 4

They are scared of change, scared of the fact that their husband will kill them if they leave husband might be abusive.
they have low self esteam on themselves that they can't do it with kids in tow and they would really have to find a good paying job and the list is endless. Iife is very difficult to start over again. And sometimes change for someone they just can't handle it or face it. So they would rather stay in a relationship that is not so pretty. They think that they can't make it with out the other person. it is just a number of things to that person. They have know this life for a long time and just think that they just can manage with out that other income too. It's a hard world out there.

Answer 5

Many think divorce wrong. Others stay because of the children. And some stay do to financial reasons. There are a few that stay knowing the spouse doesn't love them. But they claim they love the spouse. Most of all these people stay because they hope with time things will improve and get better. Sometimes they do. But most often they don't. I fall among some of the things I've mentioned. I haven't gotten to the point that I don't care and throw caution to the wind. Once that day comes. I'm outta here.

Answer 6

I think you switched a couple words in your question - I think you mean "when the bad outweights the good".

To be honest, I've wondered this about myself. There are days when the bad so outweighs the good that I can't imagine why I am staying.

Then I remember. I made a commitment, to my spouse and my kids, to take care of them, regardless of how I am feeling (mentally, emotionally, physically) and I would hope and pray they would do the same for me.

Now, there are certainly limits that, if exceeded, would result in me taking the drastic action of moving on. In particular, some sort of specific, intentional abuse would be enough for me to be taking some sort of major action.

On the other hand, I know I am flawed, and so when my partner's flaws seem overwhelming, I try to step back, look at the long term, look at where we've been, and at the times when she stood by me even though I had screwed things up royally. And eventually I get to the point where I know I need to talk, to express how I am feeling, and to try to get us both to a point where we can move forward.

Answer 7

i think it's relative. I mean part of why the divorce rate is so high is because people give up in relationships very easily.

It's not easy living with/getting to know someone so up close and personal. All their issues are right there. A relationship is hard work even if the couple is right for each other.

The important thing is to make sure no one is getting abused (i advise one leaves if this is the case) and be sure that BOTH are willing to keep working on themselves - realizing where they are wrong and working together to make a better relationship.

They must BOTH be committed to this or otherwise it will not work.

Answer 8

Sometimes it could be low self esteem, or feeling of having no control.

But I think in my case it was the commitment. I was determined to make it work. I realised that marriages can get bad, and did my best to bring it back. I often thought of leaving, but the grass didn't seem any greener on the other side. I stopped and thought what I really wanted. And I wanted my life-only better, so I did everything in my power to make it better.

Answer 9

That person may think that the good outweighs the bad and it may be hard to picture themselves without that person. It's a mixture of low self esteem, fear and love.

Answer 10

Maybe responsibility? I start thinking about what I would tell family, friends, work and then I think about what would happen to the kids, how much I would miss them and feel selfish for wanting to be happy at their expense.

I suppose the first step is always the hardest and it seems like you can always make it one more day when feeling empty inside is the only price to pay for holding the family and illusion of a happy marriage together.