We married very quickly after we met and have been married 2 years, it has been extremely rocky and now I am also taking care of my 74yo father who has lung cancer (in the hospital with pneumonia since Friday night but will be home today as he is better). We moved to Oregon to take care of him and then he moved in with us to make it easier. I helped my mom through liver cancer 8 years ago as she died.
Anyhow, back to us, it has to do with respect. He has at times chosen his friends before me, he cheated, (once that I know of, more times in my head, where is the trust),he threatens to leave when we argue,etc, intimidates.
Sounds crazy to me, why would I want to be together, I know I cause as many arguments as he does (although he says if I would just be happy everything would be great). I feel utterly betrayed and I was wondering how I could get him to see these feelings of mine and how hurt I am and how can I feel that he places my person on an equal level with his, respect
2007-09-25 02:16:30 · 6 answers · asked by scsspace 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He cheated once, it is just that sometimes my mind runs astray. He also says it was wrong and he is sorry and would never do it again because he has changed and he loves me and although I still hurt over it I think he wants me to forget it. I was 6 months pregnant and in another state waiting for him to come up and he was confused because we had already been strained in our relationship. It does sound crazy, there probably is not a way to find peace in this one, damn it, we did have enough in common to fall in love but love is not enough, again.
2007-09-25 02:34:19 · update #1
not to defend because I do love my husband but the incidents that occurred happened before my dad was diagnosed, we were already trying to decide what to do about us and I do not ignore my husbands needs, I am not weepy over my dad, I am a strong caregiver and my husband also takes really good care of my dad's needs also when he is home. We also have a great sex life, still. He was confused, that wasnt the point, the point was how do I get over it, how can i get on the same level with him for the both of us. We are both pretty wild creatures anyhow and pretty unorthadox, probably why we me but my dad has nothing to do with why my husband doesnt always show the right amount of respect that a marraige should require.
2007-09-25 02:45:33 · update #2
You have a hell of a lot going on in your life. You are caring for your father and that wouldnt be easy. You looked after your mother until she died. You must be worn out....seriously. I doubt whether you can think clearly about the issues in your marriage because of everything else that has gone on in your life....there is a lot of tragedy there. I dont know if this is possible, but my best advice to you is to get away for a while. You need time out to sort your feelings out. You need a rest. You have one thing after the other after the other and somewhere in amongt this is the infedility, the arguments and you trying to make him understand how you are feeling. I really think your feelings are overwhelming you and you need a break. Im not just talking a day or two, take a week away...maybe go visit a friend and relax and try to think about you. Do things that you enjoy.....just relax and leave your problems at home for a week. After you have had time to relax then come home after you are well rested and talk to your husband. Can't you just tell everyone that things are getting on top of you and you need a break.....you have earned it. You cant keep on caring for everyone else and put your own feelings and health on the backburner. Take this much deserved rest, then come back and decide how you are going to work things out with your husband. Maybe a week away from him will also do him some good. He may just realise that you are over stressed and he needs to support and understand you more. A week, surely is not too much to take for yourself is it?
2007-09-25 02:43:15 · answer #1 · answered by rightio 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you two can't communicate properly and you don't trust him, then maybe you could both take the time out to learn some good communication skills, for starters.
Marriage counseling works when we work it -- and when both people want that.
I suppose the first thing you could do is tell your husband how you are feeling about the relationship and that you'd like things to improve.
It takes TWO to make something work.. not just one or the other.
I dont' understand your husband's comment "If you would just be happy everything would be great". -- the relationship has apparently put a strain on you, so how can you be jumping for joy?
If you want it to work, then i suppose you're BOTH going to have to put the effort forth to make it happen.
P.S. i'm sorry about your mom's death, and i know what a strain it is to take care of an ill parent... hugs
2007-09-25 09:23:11 · answer #2 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You've put your hubby in an odd position by caring for your father.
He wants to feel like he's #1 and all your time and energy is going to daddy. Sure, he's dying and you want to be there for him, BUT you also have an obligation to your husband and he probably feels like you don't care about him.
This has just as much to do with the lack of respect you show for your husband as his lack of respect for you.
Seek counseling, learn how to communicate with each other and learn how to resolve what's eating at both of you.
I'm guessing you're so caught up with daddy's situation that you've completely ignored the signs your husband was giving you that he's not happy anymore.
You CAN fix it, but the first step is recognizing that it's not all his fault. You couldn't even convince me through your biased words that it's all his fault, so how do you think HE sees things?
Not trying to be mean, I respect what you're doing for your father - but you're seeing things through foggy glasses.
2007-09-25 09:24:33 · answer #3 · answered by Roland'sMommy 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
girl...sit up....hold your head high...tell him its time yall got some time apart....
and take care of your father...he is the one that needs you right now.
my husband lost 5 yrs with his father....and he deals with it everyday of his life...we have 3 children together...and he cant bare to take the kids to the gravesite....because he let some other woman distract him (he was there in the home)...but he wasn't.
sounds to me like you've been through enough with your mom...now your dad (god bless you)....be there with him until you know...(i hate saying that word).......then you make a promise to yourself...that you will do for yourself....go out get a makeover...get a new job...start your life over....
there are men out there that would die to respect you...or not cheat on you...
sorry about your father, i will keep you in my prayers
2007-09-25 09:25:52 · answer #4 · answered by Susan C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A piece of paper does not make a marriage.
You have a piece of paper.
I don't know why you want to continue in this "relationship".....but if you do you need to seek counseling. It would be great if he went with you but counseling helps even when you go alone.
2007-09-25 09:21:35 · answer #5 · answered by daljack -a girl 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
if he has cheated more then once, f.u.c.k. him
2007-09-25 09:23:22 · answer #6 · answered by Megan 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋