How should I confront my Girlfriends Ex without making her look bad?

Question

My girlfriend is going through a divorce and a custody battle. The Ex Husband is a complete tool and will say stupid things and then go back on it. Every time we have to pick up the kids from his house after work he just starts rambiling about pointless stuff and trying to get at my girlfriend. Last week we caught her four year old son in a lie. He was claiming that his father didn't feed him dinner before we picked them up. I called him up and had her son talk to him. He proceeded to get angry at that fact that we "put him on the spot".(He feed the kid so why is he getting angry?) He then insulted her on the phone and was making it like she was the bad guy. I want to confront this lowlife but I fear I will only make it worse. No matter what I say. Is there anything I can do to help her and tell him off?

Answer 1

I would stay out of it. You may add fuel to the fire and if he thinks that you are accusing him of being a bad parent, he will probably get offended (Example: by asking if the kid was fed). Let the divorce go through before saying anything, so he doesn't get angry and change things. This should be between the two of them and she has to handle it. The two of them should have a business-like, co-parenting relationship and that is it. She should limit conversations with him to the kids "only". She should tell him from now on it is best that this is what there business is and conversations will be limited to kids only. If he over-step this boundary and starts talking crap after discussing the kids, either walk away from him or she should hang the phone up on him. This is the consequence for over-stepping the set boundaries. Maybe this will help with his sensless or rude comments and such. You can't mess with someone who will not respond to it and hopefully this will stop his rambling...just say you have to go and walk away. Best of luck!

Answer 2

First off kids alot of times say they haven't ate. I hope that is not why the phone call was made, becuase those are silly things that sometimes just have to be overlooked. I have a six year old and alot of times she tells me Grandma didn't feed her at her house,but she did. She is still hungry or got hungry is why she said that, and sometimes she forgets. If it is your girlfriend and her husband the kids Dad, let them handle the kid. If she didn't get upset about something why should you? No one likes to be confronted as if they were not taking care of there kid properly escpcially by someone who is not the parent. Do not confront him it will make things worse. This is between the two of them and if you back off maybe all this wouldn't be going on. If the guy is a tool it doesn't matter he is still the boys father. Also at 4 you don't lie, you don't even know what a lie is. They may tell story's that are not all truthful, but they don't lie. Let the Mom and Dad of the boy handle the boy. Your girlfriend is a big girl and can handle her own kid and ex.

Answer 3

First thing, straight up, just telling you the truth...your relationship with your girlfriend could hurt her in this custody battle. The fact that you are very involved with her and her kids and she is still married puts her at a disadvantage in the eyes of the judge. If I were you, I would stand back as far as I could until this thing is over. The judge is going to look at what is in the best interests of the children, and your behavior is not going to help her at all. I wouldn't try to parent these kids right now, I would just try to be their friend. If you love her and love her kids....step back for now. For example, the soon to be ex husband was right, you did put the son in the middle. That could be used against your girlfriend in the custody dispute.

As much as you can't stand this guy, it is in the best interests of the children for you to do everything you can to get along with him. That means, if you absolutely, positively need to defend your girlfriend, you do it in private, without the kids around.

Above all...think about what the kids are going through. They need both parents and didn't ask for their world to be torn apart and in so much chaos. I'm not preaching...I'm standing along side you because I've been there....

Answer 4

First, you shouldn't have put the child in the middle of this mess. The child is already going through A LOT as his parents are divorcing. Shame on your gf for not taking a stand against putting the child on the phone. The child needs someone to be his advocate as he is too young to fully explain his needs. He should probably be in counseling if he isn't already.

Second, don't get messed up in this anymore than you already are. This is a divorce between her and her soon-to-be ex. I know it can be hard when he treats her so badly, but she needs to find a way to stand up for herself and for her child obviously. But if she needs to see a lawyer and a counselor, then she should do it - with her child as well. I wouldn't make any threats, or else you could get slapped with a TRO or he could physically come after you.

If you feel a need to say something, then think long and hard about what you want to say, then say it and move on. But just don't be stupid about it where it will give a court a reason to side with him.

Answer 5

This can go either way dude. Trust me from experience. If you confront her about it you will get an ear full about how you don't trust her and the whole nine yards. My now ex wife use to use Yahoo messenger on my laptop and it would save the convos. One day when we were still together I was cleaning off my hard drive and found IMs from some guy calling her sugar ****, sweet ****, and telling her if she ever wanted "awesome sex" to give her call. I printed it up and when I confronted her about it heard the you don't trust me bit yada yada yada. I also found many of her ex boyfriends cell numbers not only on my house caller id but her cell phone caller id. She even had an ex over one time without my knowledge and without my meeting the douchebag first. My advice is keep mum about it and if she forgets her cell phone again check it. Or get one of your female friends to send you some texts like the ones you found leave your cell phone in her dorm apt one day and see if she goes through it and what she says. I would say if you checked it in the first place you must have had a suspicion about her.

Answer 6

Im gonna be blunt and honest, dont confront the ex-husband, this is none of your business, when he looks at you he only sees his wifes new booty call. You are not a part of this family so therefore you need to back off. This is for your girl friend to deal with,not you. And let me tell ya there was a time your girlfriend thought the world revolved around this man, I mean she married him, she had children with him, so at one time in her life she had deep feelings for him. The only reason he is the bad guy right now is because you are in the picture. Sir, this is the #1 reason you dont involve yourself with a woman who is freshly divorced! right now this couple needs time to heal, this family has just had their lives turned upside down, Im sure the kids are mentally messed up and dont know if their coming or going, the whole family is disfunctional, so of course the kids are gonna act out by lieing and misbehaving etc, and Im sure the ex-husband is lashing out and being a jerk! this mans family has just been damaged! You just amaze me coming on here, acting as if your girlfriend is the damzel in distress, and wondering whats wrong with the kids, dont you get it? back off of this family! give them time and space to heal from the effects of divorce, you are adding to the insanity in these kids lives! So back off! and dont you dare confront the ex-he,s hurt and doesnt need you in his face!

Answer 7

Why are you involved with the girlfriend's ex husband?

If they are going through a divorce, then there are a lot of difficult feelings going on between them.. this happens with almost everyone, and your girlfriend's situation is NORMAL.

Let your girlfriend deal with the ex husband... and stay out of the middle. They don't need a mediator.

And HE didn't do anything to YOU.... Your girlfriend chose to marry him at one time in her life, and she did it on her own. Now she's getting a divorce, just let HER handle it. Because yes you will make it worse by intruding.

And if your girlfriend is going through a divorce, what is she doing dating in the first place? People who have just come out of a relationship don't have much to give emotionally... she needs time to grieve and readjust to life before she attaches herself to someone new.

Answer 8

That is what my ex kept doing to me until my hubby (then boyfriend) took the phone and told him to stop acting like a child. My ex yelled some nasty things at him and then my hubby told him "you don't know me, I could kill you." and then hung up. It scared my ex enough to back off some.
My ex is still nasty to me most of the time but never when my hubby is around. :)

And though I believe it should be about the mother and the father if he's as big an *** as my ex you might have to step in to help her. I know I needed my hubby to do that for me. Now when I get too upset, I just let hubby handle it.

Answer 9

Don't do anything unless she asks you to. It could only hurt her custody battle. Take comfort in the fact that after all this is said and done.. he will be alone and you will be with your GF, and her kids... If after everything is said and done.. maybe confront him, tell him to stop, drain the oil out of his car etc.. but until the hearing try to let it go.

Answer 10

Well, the best is to avoid getting in a fight with him really.
He's spoiling for that, and it's hardly going to do any good to the children.
Just make sure the children are safe when with him, and when he tries to get into a fight just don't let yourself be dragged into it.
If it gets really bad and the children don't want to go back there, then you'll have to speak to a solicitor, but till then, it won't do any good to get into any confrontation with him.
Good luck.