i have been so stupid?

Question

after sixteen years of marriage i have done the most stupid think possible i have had an affair for the last few months i know this is unforgivable and if my husband found out it would be the end of my marriage the problem is how can i cut all ties from my lover without seeming cruel as he was after me for years before we got involved,he is also married do you think he will be allright about this and no one will ever know, as i am sure he doesn't want his wife to find out and we live in a small town.There are five children involved in this even if its for there sake please give me some advice.

i know this is no excuse but i think the reason was i got married at sixteen and had never had sex with any body except my husband untill now.and this man had been after me pressing all the right buttons for four years untill one day i was silly enough to have sex with him.

Answer 1

Ur worried about being CRUEL to ur lover but being CRUEL to ur husband by cheating on him is exceptable?? ya that makes no sense...get ur priorities straight!

Answer 2

First of all, you sound really remorseful, so you can start forgiving yourself. You made a big big mistake, but now you know it was wrong and you know you need to end it.

If the man cares about you, he needs to understand (especially since he is married) that something like this would not last forever, particularly if neither of you were planning to end your marriages and be together.

You need to be absolutely honest with him about your feelings. You need to tell him that, although the time you have had together was special, that you feel that you cannot do it anymore and that you love your husband despite what has happened.

You do need to be careful because you live in a small town. The truth is that a lot of people would say your husband deserves to know. However, as I mentioned, you made a mistake, and you cannot change this now. Finding out would devastate him, so you are better to keep to yourself on this if possible. Move on and get your life back on track.

Answer 3

Yes, that was stupid. But you know that. You can't worry about being cruel. Trying to "let people down gently" often backfires. I'll tell you from experience, sometimes you have to be rude to people for them to understand. You don't have to be rude at first but you DO have to be clear. Don't worry about being cruel. Just tell him straight up: "Dude, we were there for each other and that was great. But now I think it's time we let it go." If he gets sh!tty about it, that's when you may have to get rude and then just tell him point-blank: "Look, man. I'm sorry, but I love my husband and not you. We are both married, it was a thing and that's all. Good-bye." But be forewarned: I once did that to a guy and he went and told my boyfriend at the time everything, including a lie (that I said I loved him, which I absolutely never said). When people's feelings are hurt, things can get ugly. Also, some guys don't like being told they can't have what they are used to getting, if you see what I mean. I have been sexually assaulted by three different guys for just that reason (I think that particular thing might also have to do with my size; they think they can dominate me because I'm small. Also, maybe because I have a high sex-drive they thought I'd want them to or something. Not so. It isn't the same when you don't want the guy anymore.). So break up with him in a public place and then cut it off cold. No calls, no nothing. Believe me, it is much easier that way. Be careful and whatever you do, remember what I said: cut it off COLD. Clean break. If you lead him on (or he thinks you have) it is just going to get uglier.

Answer 4

You shouldn't assume this will remain a secret. You might be lucky and be able to sweep it under the rug, but the reality is, people talk, and somebody will probably learn of your affair sooner or later, in fact his wife is probably suspicious already, and she might drag a confession out of him or hire someone to keep an eye on him.

Stressing out about being cruel to your lover should be the least of your worries. There is potential for 2 homes to be torn apart here.

They only thing you can really do now is just stop seeing this man and hope to God nobody finds out. Better still, fess up to your husband about what's been going on. Spare him the indignity of finding out about the affair through other means.

Best of luck, and whatever the outcome, I'm sure you'll learn an important lesson here. I have no wish to judge you, just to project an outsider's view. All the best

Answer 5

Stop the affair NOW. Be as kind to your lover as you possibly can when you tell him it's over...you don't want to hurt him, how lovely he is, what a dreadful person you are and it's all your fault but you cannot live with the deceit anymore etc....so that he doesn't go and spill the beans to either his wife or your husband. Do you think he is likely to? Some people just can't help unloading their guilt on the innocent party. Hopefully he'll be as relieved to end it as you are. Don't EVER re-kindle this flame and get as far away from him as possible and if all goes well, never refer to it again. NEVER do it again and NEVER ever confess. Be kind and loving to your husband to make up for it. Then you will just have to hope that you never get found out as it'll destroy your husband's trust. As far as the world is concerned it never happened. If it all goes the way you want and years down the line there is ever a suspicion, deny it. Your penance for this sin is to live with the guilt and worry forever.

Answer 6

i honeslty dont think this guy will be willing to cut all ties as easily as you can. You say hes been after you for years, now hes got you he wont be as willing to let you go as you think. I agree you have made a big mistake as I feel that you both entered this affair with different intentions. You may have to talk to your lover to gain a better understanding of what he was loking for out of this relationship. You both must be unhappy if your having an affair. Why return to that unhappy state again? Im the child of seperated parents and I think its the best thing they ever did. People seem to think children are stupid, they know when mummy and daddy arent ok even if they dont show it. Unhappy parents equal unhappy children.

Answer 7

My wife has had numerous affairs in our 24 years of marriage,as found out recently.I'm sorry to tell you,but if your husband finds out,and is 100% sure of your guilt, that the fallout from your betrayal will ultimately destroy your marriage.
I chose to leave my wife as soon as i had proof positive ,though my own children are grown up now and live away from home.
As for your poor lover......stuff him!! he's has played fast and loose with other peoples lives,so i'd pity him as much as i would a sewer rat.....though at least the rat knows no better.
Not really unbiased advice i know ,but it is a mans perspective on your predicament.
Just remember who gave you the children!!

Answer 8

I would end the affair right now and have no contact with this person again. You need to sit down and openly tell your partner what has been goung on and answers all questions he asks you. I have been in your shoes and believe me you will have a tough road ahead but if you love your husband then you will have to bite the bullet and take all he has to give if he takes you back that is. My partner found out through the person i was seeing, of course he only told my partner out of sheer spite but it shows i didnt have the guts to be honest and i think that makes it worse. go have counselling if he wants to and sort out ur problems before it is too late.

Answer 9

What is cruel is that you are putting your marriage in jeopardy, which will also impact on your children. Which is more important to you: this married man who is cheating on his wife as well, or your family? You don't need any advice, because you already know what to do. Get out of this relationship now, before your husband, this man's wife, and 5 innocent children get hurt!

Answer 10

its all very well people giving you advice to make you feel better, but bluntly, it aint gonna work no matter what you do.

sorry to be truthful, but if you cut ties with your lover, he will most likely blackmail, or tell someone so it gets back to your hubby, if it carries on, you will get caught out eventually.

so all in all its gonna end in a mess, sorry to sound negative but its true.

try discussing the issue with your lover. at the end of the day, you both need to decide who you want to be with the most. if you both decide its your current partner then it could well work out as neither parties will want to say anything about it, if it a split decision then this is where the problems start.

the kids shouldnt be an issue, never stay together for the kids, sure be there for them when they need you, but dont stay in a relationship because of them. it will do them more harm than good.

in the end go with what your heart wants, not your head. who knows it may not work out but life is to short for regrets. things can always be rectified later.

Answer 11

just sit down with your lover and have a proper conversation with him and say that your marriage is far more important to you then some silly fling . its not as if you too are going to run away together, leave your partners and children behind and live romantic wonderful live's, i really cant see it, get out b4 it comes out, you will get caught at some point and you really don't want to see two families destroyed over a bit of nasty behind the school shed, so to speak,
do the right thing :)