can you make me laugh?

Question

share a tasteful religious joke.

no need to apologize thewolfskoll, i thought your joke was really cute :)

Answer 1

Moses and Jesus are golfing. Moses makes a bet who can come the closest on a par 3 hole. Jesus accepts and asks Moses to go first.
Moses hits a good looking shot but drifts toward the water. He lifts up his rod, the water parts, ball strikes on dry ground and rolls to with in four feet of the hole.
Jesus strikes His ball and it appears on the same path as Moses. Jesus lifts His hand, the ball bounces on the water, then rolls to within a foot of the cup.
Nice shot, says Moses.
Then lightning flashes from the sky. A ball comes flying from the heavens and heads the same trajectory as the others. It goes under water where it is swallowed by a fish. An eagle swoops down and grabs the fish. Lightning fills the air again, scaring the eagle to drop the fish. The fish lands on the green, the ball pops out and rolls into the hole.
After a moment of silence, Moses looks at Jesus.
Moses says, "I hate it when your dad plays."

Answer 2

Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a
speaking engagement
and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there
to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get
into the limo,
he stopped
and spoke to the driver.

"You know"
he said,
"I am 87 years old
and I have never
driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I
drove it for a while?"

The driver said,
"No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,
"I know we are supposed
to enforce the law...
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person."

The supervisor asked,
"Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said,
"No, he's more important
than that."

The supervisor said,
"Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said,
"No, he's even more
important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,

"I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!".

Answer 3

Two city workers in Queens were discussing religion. One was a Catholic (Vito) and the other a Jew (Joseph). The two regularly traded insults- all in good fun.
One day Vito says to Joseph: "I had a dream of a Jewish heaven."
"Yeah, what was it like?"
"Oh, it was terrible, your mother was yelling at you, cars were honking, people were queued up at the deli and the bagels were dry..just like your every day life. What do you think about that?"
"I'll get back with you in a few days and give you my impression.."
So a few days go by, then Joseph sees Vito and tells him:
"Hey Vito! Still don't know what to say about your dream of my Jewish heaven, but I had a dream about your Catholic heaven.."
"Oh yeah? What was it like?"
"Oh, it was so beautiful! There was this gorgeous peaceful lake, the sun was shining, the grass was soft and sweetly scented, just the right height and plush, like a berber carpet. There was a pair of very cute little squirrels in the trees.....
and... NOT A SOUL WAS THERE."

Answer 4

The preacher explained to the congregation that the church was in need of donations, and that anyone who would bid the highest donation would get to choose the hymns for the day...

The bidding started at 5 dollars-many hands were in the air. Including a frail old woman in the back..

The bidding goes up 10-50- even 100 dollars. And the old woman's hand was still raised strong.

As the bidding entered into the high hundreds there were only a few bidders left. The old woman being one of them.

800- 900- 1000 dollars goes to our highest bidder. The old woman's eyes shone being the highest bidder to donate.

As the old woman approached the stand, the preacher says:

Thank you so much for such a kind donation! We are honored to let you pick the hymns for today.

The old woman smiles, looks over the congregation.... Points to 3 handsome men and says: I choose HIM, HIM, and HIM!!!!

Answer 5

Sorry for this long joke... probably will only make u laugh for few sec..


A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground .

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, thinks I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..."


*If that still does not make you happy... u can check this video i come across while surfing...
http://mind-up.blogspot.com/2007/09/japanese-game-show.html

Answer 6

three golfers on the course...
first golfer swings and the ball is headed for the water hazard when he throws up his arms and the water parts, the ball rolls up to the green. second golfer says "Nice shot Moses".
Second golfer swings and his ball too heads for the drink but when it gets there it skims right over the top and Moses say "Nice shot Jesus"
Third golfer swings and its a wild slice into the woods where it goes into the knothole of a tree and a squirrel comes running out with the ball where an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel with the ball still in his mouth. As the eagle starts to fly away a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky strikes the eagle and the ball falls scorched from the sky to land on the green and roll into the cup! Jesus says "nice shot Dad"

Thought of one more for you so here goes....

A priest gets up one Sunday and its a perfect day. Being an avid golfer, he gives in to his temptation and calls in to his church saying he is too sick to even get out of bed and heads for the golf course.
An angel is looking down from heaven and draws Gods attention to the errant priest. God smiles in infinite patience and tells the angel to watch the priest.
Meanwhile the priest is having the best game of his life, including not one, but TWO holes-in-one!
The angel is appalled and cries to God "How can this be?" pointing out that the priest lied, played hooky from his church, and all on a Sunday. "And you have blessed him with the best game he has ever played?"
God smiled and said unto his angel...
"Who is he going to tell?"

Answer 7

A protestant died and met St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter proceeds to give him a tour of the place. They walk down a hallway and pass a door. The protestant asks, "What's in there?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that's where the Catholics are. But you can't go in there. They think they are the only ones here."

Answer 8

Bill's afterlife

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"Oh," God said: "That was the screensaver"


Took from: http://www.freebyte.com/jokes_humor_cartoons_fun/bill_afterlife.html


Hope it makes you laugh!

Answer 9

I think so, try this website. I found it a hoot. If you wanted an actual joke, the best I can think of at the moment is:

Jesus walks into a motel, puts four nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

But do check out the weblink. I laughed until I stopped.

Answer 10

No, I cannot. According to the philosopher Henri Bergson, laughter is the result of an expectation meeting a void, consequently I would have to create an expectation and then