Friend's husband left for Iraq, what should I do?

Question

My best friend's husband left for Iraq today for 15 months. They had their second child at the end of August and have been married for 5 years. She tries so hard to be strong and I keep telling her she needs to be strong for her children, and pray that he comes home safe.This is their first deployment. After being through a deployment myself with my husband, I know how hard it can be. I try to be there for her whenever I can, but she still breaks down. I feel so bad for her because she is raising two kids on her own, and I feel so helpless. I went over there to lend a shoulder and we just sat there, and cried together. Absence does make the heart grow fonder and she knows this. I just wish there was something else I could do to help ease her pain.

Please, no rude comments. Typing this brings tears to my eyes. I would appreciate honest, thoughtful answers. Thanks!

Answer 1

do what you can to support the troops, instead of being sad and crying, be proud, make care packages and send em off to differant troops, do what you can, helping always makes you feel better, specially better than, crying

Answer 2

I'm currently in the same situation, though I have one 9 month old and another due in december (luckily his R&R will work out with the due date), it is tough. But I agree with the person above about doing things with her and the kids. Not the girls night out bit. She needs someone (not to take place of) but to kind of stand in on the whole family part, someone to intereact with her AND the children. I'm hoping maybe she has some family nearby? Maybe, if she gets along with her parents, her mother may be able to fly out and stay with her, or the other way around. It's always nice to have a friendly, familiar face.

And also I agree with focusing her energy on sending him care packages. Until she gets over the first hump of seperation, she should try writing a letter or email everyday basically talking to him as if he were there. I know he would love it. The biggest thing is not only is she missing her husband and going through this, but the children are missing a person as well, so incorporating them in everything is VERY important. And she needs to be strong for the sake of them and refrain from crying TOO much in front of them if she is at all.

That's all I can really say, fortunately lately I've had almost daily contact with my husband either through emails or the phone and also my parents live really close. I am sure you're doing great if it is the best you can do. Only time can fix this one. Best wishes to her and you for being there for her and her kids.

Answer 3

It's going to take her a few weeks to get over the shock and to swallow the thought of the next 15 months. Once she gets in a routine she will be ok. I would just tell her to call anytime if she needs to talk. If you see that she is hiding away because she becomes a bit depressed make her get out of the house. Invite her over for dinner a few nights a week. She may not always want to come but atleast the invite is there. Maybe sometime if your husband is home and willing he could watch kids for a few hours while you take her out to dinner sometime or go get nails done. All in all just be supportive. On the days when she says i just cant do this.. i dont want to do this remind her of you..how you made it through deployments.. how every other armywife done it. Not to rub it in but give her hope that they are hard but you can live through them and come out stronger in the end. I sympathize with your friend. I just got mine back in June and just watched a handfull of friends send thiers back over this month also. Im trying to do the same things i suggested to you.

I just remembered the first few weeks to a month I found I was ok through the day it was dinner time that got me down. I know with your own family it sometimes isnt the easiest to support your family and someone else but maybe give her a call then. You probably know when her husband usually came home at night. Or Just let her know if she makes herself busy around that time it does help.

Answer 4

Ma'am... I'm sorry... I'm a guy and I don't know the answer.

May I suggest that, while I'm certain that all the answers are well intended, you listen to "Hokie for ever"... maybe E-mail her... She sounds as if she has her head together. Military wives... of any service... can tell you first hand. They're better qualified to offer advice than a ton of pseudo-scientists (psychologists, psychiatrists, and sociologists).

When i was in the Navy, there was a group of of Navy wives, oddly called the Navy Wive's Club. Most of them, as i recall, were wives of career Navymen... many of those senior officers. My surmise is that they'd been there and done that and knew how to handle it. I'd suppose there are similar groups for every branch.

If you don't know who to contact, perhaps family services at her husband's base, or even the Chaplain's office. Explain your situation and ask about support groups.

But may I also suggest that you not take responsibility for your friend? You have your family and husband to think about. Maybe, by seeing how you cope, she'll get the idea too.

Answer 5

I am a Navy wife and I have been told to be ready for that day that my husband goes. I really don't think that anyone is prepared or contant with the situation but I do agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder. My suggestion is try to get her out of the house and occupied so that there is little time for sadness. Try to incorporate the kids or even offer to watch them so she can have some time for herself and to become at peace with the situations she might face. Encourage her to write him often and to think about the positive and not the negative. If she is familiar with myspace.com, there are several support groups that I turn to in the time ogf need. Hope it helps!!!

Answer 6

Get her involved in the FRG. Offer to take her kids 1 afternoon a week or every two weeks to give her a break.

On their anniversary, send her flowers and see if she would like to go out for dinner. Do the same for her birthday. When his birthday comes around, have a birthday party for him and tape it with a private message from her, then send it to him to see the fun he had. If she doesn't have family close, don't forget the holidays. Help her make them special.

What they may enjoy is a flat daddy. It is a life size cutout of the Soldier and glued to cardboard and can go places with the family. One of our families did that and he went to dinner and parties with the family. He even attended a wedding!

As you know, it is not easy, but she will get into a routine. Let her know you are there for the family even at 3 am.

You sound like a great friend to have. Good luck.

Answer 7

I really feel for you and her. I was trying to think of good ideas. Maybe it comes down to thinking what you would have liked from a friend during your husband's deployment. Babysit for her for a day and send her to get a manicure or a facial or have lunch with a friend? Bake some cookies or cook a casserole and take it over to the family for dinner? Buy her a sweet card of encouragement and put a poem in it? Get her a new tube of her favorite lip gloss and some candy? A gift certificate for a hot tub or massage? I don't know what you have available to you. How about renting a funny movie and help her put the kids to bed and then pop some popcorn and watch the movie together?

I think any ideas that come from your heart and from your caring feelings towards her will be good ones and will help her get through this tough time. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

Answer 8

I too have a husband on duty in Iraq and yes it is hard. This is my second tour to Iraq and one Japan but never gets any easier. I have two little kids too. She is not alone. Have her feel free to email me if she needs support. She needs to stay strong and get involved in the community, a job, or hobby. There is also support through his command if she needs it. I dont cry around my husband when he was here because it makes it harder for them to there job. They already no how you feel. I also have to stay strong for my kids. Just remember every deployment comes to an end. Have the kids send care packages. If your kids see you weak they will be weak and they can't have that. God Bless her and no she is not alone. Stay strong!

Answer 9

The first deployment is usually the worst. I had been through deployments before, but my husband's first tour in Iraq was the hardest for me. We found out we were pregnant 2 weeks before he left. I was an emotional wreck, but I didn't let my hubby know. I cried over crazy things. Just keep her busy. Go over and spend time with her when you get a chance, take walks, go to the playground with the kids, anything you can to keep her mind off this.

Answer 10

Might try a Girl's Night Out about an hour away from base. Less military to remind her, or hit on her.

Have someone watch the kids and bring a couple of friends over and kick back watch some movies and get her blasted out of her mind. (Just don't over do this one, and no driving for anyone that night.)

Just be there for her like you have been should help her a lot too. Also get her back to doing the things she likes to do for fun.

Answer 11

If he says he is in Germany, then who cares about Kuwait? People often get on planes at the last minute and the paperwork is not 100% accurate. He needs to catch a flight from Germany to the USA.