this one really tripped me out- a couple of weeks ago, i ran into a girl who was in one of my classes last year, and we began to chat. i was in a hurry somewhat, and told her that i was headed to the bus stop, but that i was going to stop in the union and pick up a coffee to go on the way- i asked her if she was going in the same direction, and if she'd like to come with me. her reply was no, and that she was already seeing someone.....
OK- i thought this was really strange, and i suspect she simply didn't want to be seen with me in that capacity (in fact, she probably didn't want to be seen with me at all). i've lived in europe the past 15 years or so, and to ask a woman to coffee means absolutely NOTHING. Is this seen as a more serious issue here in the u.s., was this girl totally uptight, or did she simply not want to be seen with me, but was afraid to say so? did i commit a faux paus? what do you guys think?
2007-09-24 12:49:07 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
perhaps this is the way to get dates here, and i guess that's what she thought- that i was wanting to go on an actual "date" with her, when in reality i simply wanted to finish the conversation about how random the grades turned out to be in that class we had both taken. again, maybe i was naive, coming from europe- people there aren't as superficial, and something of this nature would never be seen as an attempt to pick someone up.
2007-09-24 12:59:12 · update #1
i'm bored here, AND want to put off some tough homework problems as long as i possibly can, so i'll make another comment- it's not a big deal at all- i lived here in the u.s. until about 1990 before i moved to europe, and i wasn't into the coffee thing at that time. i just thought it was a bit obnoxious on her part to even assume that i would be interested in her (i guess she would've had to have read my mind to find out that she is not at all the kind of woman i would ever be interested in). to clarify, it wasn't even intended to be a coffee date- i always go through the union and get a coffee to go every afternoon, and hop on the bus. this was exactly what i had planned on that day as well, and i had no intention of sitting down with her to chat over coffee- just wanted to talk a bit longer about that bloody course we took last year. i have been here back in the u.s. now for one year, and it really is a different place that what i am accustomed to in europe.
2007-09-24 13:30:36 · update #2
thanks much for your comments- now i know, and i also know equally as well not to accept invitations from women to have coffee if i'm not interested in them- i've had that happen as well since i've been here, and boy oh boy am i sorry i ever accepted the invitation!
2007-09-24 13:33:24 · update #3
We Americans are not as hip as our European counterparts. Being asked to grab a coffee is like saying "pick you up at 8". Crazy, I know. Coffee shops and bookstores are the in places for dating, especially among urbanites.
2007-09-24 13:12:18 · answer #1 · answered by meagain 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Interesting. In Australia if someone asks you to go for a coffee, it's the ultimate 'definitely not a date' invitation! It's fascinating how similar and yet so different a lot of these customs are!
Yeah, I know that's not helpful to you ~ well unless you move to Australia, but imo your predicament is interesting.
Maybe next time you see that girl you could mention you had a coffee with so-and-so the other day, in such a way as to show it was a purely social event, NOT a romantic occasion ~ sort of tell her indirectly?
To just say "I wasn't asking you out" seems a little churlish and perhaps even confrontational, especially as she may get a bit defensive.
Good luck :-)
2007-09-24 20:10:23 · answer #2 · answered by thing55000 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the girl was being waaay too conceited to think that an invitation to coffee meant anything other than a cup of coffee and some enjoyable conversation. She may have a boyfriend, true, but most women are capable of having a cup of coffee with another man without committing adultery.
You did nothing wrong. Her loss.
2007-09-24 19:59:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
No, wasn't a faux paus or even a blunder on your part. She probably assumed that you were hitting on her - not sure how she would get that idea on a college campus - and just wanted to be sure you knew she wasn't available.
Most people on campus are still a bit socially clueless.
2007-09-24 19:55:21 · answer #4 · answered by Pirate AM™ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well she feels you way of asking her is a veiled request for a date, yet not coming out to admit you want to be with her ie on a date with her. She might not want to be seen with you because it might get back to her bf and that could be messy for her to explain.
2007-09-25 01:08:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think she was simply not interested; No faux pas here, just a girl who had other plans.
2007-09-24 19:52:54 · answer #6 · answered by Mr. D aka David 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't run off and have coffee with a man while I'm involved with someone. Maybe it meant nothing to you but to her it meant cheating on her man.
2007-09-24 21:12:24 · answer #7 · answered by ♥♣♥ 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She thought you were asking her on a date, sometimes you have to explain that you're not.
2007-09-24 19:53:02 · answer #8 · answered by Jim J 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋