When you don't really like a person, how?

Question

do you politely say "no" to invites?

Some background: I have two neighbors that live about a block away whom my husband and I hung out with for a few months. They were ok at first, but as we got to know them, we realized they were not people we want to be around. They started insulting me, the way we raise our kids, they insult my kids (15 and 8). There is more I dislike, but these two things are enough. The husband is the rude one, whereas the wife, while nice, laughs like a maniac at any cruel thing the husband says. Rather than start a confrontation, I just stopped calling them.

Soon after, much to my relief, they befriended some new people that moved in across the street from me and seemed to lose interest in us; the only time I see them is when I happen to be outside when they are arriving or leaving. In those situations, they always stop by and give me a guilt trip about not calling, have I been sick (in a sarcastic way), etc., to which I smile, say I've been busy, and that's the end of it.

Yesterday, during one such encounter, she said we should come over for dinner on Wednesday.

I suck at being mean. I've always been taught that I should be nice to people no matter what, and that their needs and feelings come before my own. But I just can't do that this time around. I can't be around these people. They make me feel bad about myself and about my family.

How do I say NO?

Answer 1

Its hard to say no to neighbors like this. Especially because I think that you don't want to start a war with them or anything.
I'm guessing you'd be happy if they forgot you existed, and just left you alone. But they don't seem like that sort.
Anything you say that would indicate that you don't like them will probably be met with hostility. And perhaps they would get vindictive.
I think just being unavailable to them is all you can really do. Have plans every time they ask. They probably already know you are trying to avoid them, but outright confrontation would be worse than the polite lie.

Answer 2

Maintaining healthy boundaries is NOT "being mean" at all! It's better for you and everyone around you than doing anything else!

It sounds as if you've been doing fine with the "no" so far, one way or another. I have a real "thing" about lying, but there are definitely people with whom I don't care to spend time who also aren't important enough for me to sit down and explain why that's the case. And frankly, it's none of their business.

If I receive an invitation from such a person, I can almost always say, with absolute honesty, that we have plans. If I don't happen to know if we do or not, the honest response is that I need to check the family calendar - which also entails checking with my partner and sometimes my daughter. Few people follow up after I've had time to check, and I carefully don't make any promises to get back to other party with an answer.

Since my partner and I share the same views about most people, either of us WILL make plans (even if the plan is to thoroughly clean the dryer's lint trap) for the designated time and date if asked. Again - the nature of one's plans, and when they were made, is nobody else's business!

Most people get the idea, sooner or later, that you are not interested in socializing with them.

Do try to limit your interaction to the bare minimum while remaining civil. Anything more gives false encouragement. That's another reason to avoid any kind of explanations or excuses - they lead to further entanglement!

The hard part is when you keep having to turn down invitations from people you DO want to spend time with. It's difficult to convince them that you aren't blowing them off, but are truly busy (or whatever). My health is unreliable, so I have to cancel way too many plans - that gives people the feeling, after a while, that I really didn't want to do X with them.

Answer 3

Just say no politely say we are spending more time with the children these day they need our help with school work.My husband isn't feel well or I just don't have time. If you are out side and see them come out just dart back in the house before they come over and ask you, If the phone rings and it is them don't answer.
If they catch you and you cant get away, say I already planned going some where,or I got to take the children some place. It is a problem some times you have to set you're foot down. I have met people that you cant hardly get away from, they will watch you're ever move and be there in you're face and don't want you to see no one else.
That is the reason I try to find out about a person back ground and if they got a smart and bossy problem before I have any friendly contact.
Hope this help.
Queen Bee

Answer 4

Sweetie, I laughed with tenderness when you said you "suck at being mean", I suck at that too. I know people like that, some are even relatives. The whole thing is just so darn awkward. I don't have a good answer, I just avoid those people the best I can. Too bad they just can't hear what you're thinking!!!! Maybe you can get drunk one night and then you won't hold back, you'll be rid of them for good!!! Oh ya, but then you'll feel like crap in the morning -- oh well.....

Answer 5

I just ignore the invitations and don't worry about being polite. Of course, it helps to have a reputation for being eccentric and reclusive anyway.

Sometimes being crude is the most polite thing you can do. I've seen people who can't stand each other strain to keep their company manners on while being a vicious as they can. It ain't pretty. Puts me in mind of a guide dog I saw once that made faces at other dogs because its person spoke sharply to it when it growled.

Answer 6

maybe, start pointing out the things that they do that are offensive in a kind, mature manner. For instance, if they insult you, simply say, I'm sure that I am taking what you said the wrong way,because I find it offensive.....you figure out the words, but you need to nip this in the bud now, unless you are planning to move soon. Maybe they need someone kind like you to point out some of the things they can change about themselves to become better people.

Answer 7

There really is nothing wrong with saying, "Thank you so much for the invite, but we will not be able to make it. Please do not take offense, but my husband and I have realized that we have different interests and opinions than you, and are uncomfortable in private social situations with you. But thank you again for the invitation. Have a lovely day."

Honesty? They say it is the best policy. And honestly, this would get them to stop trying to socialize with you.

Answer 8

You have to just say you are not available for dinner and continue to turn down their invitations until they stop asking. Sometimes it's even easier to just be honest. Your family's needs and wants come before crude, insulting people so I wouldn't be more concerned about hurting your neighbors feelings over your family.

Answer 9

Here's what I would do. I would say as sincerely as possible, "It's very kind of you to invite me and I wish I could go but I have many allergies and health problems so I have to prepare my own food." A little white lie could preserve the peace.
Also, I would cut some flowers from my garden and give them to her or take a bottle of wine to them. Good luck.

Answer 10

If you really can't say no, it's perfectly ok to say you already have plans, each and every time they issue an invite. If they don't stop inviting you after two turn-downs, they are desperate... (wonder why... lol)