my son aged 27 just spent 5 months in a pshyciatric hospital.He is back in his flat now and doing well exept?

Question

for his spending habits.They are way beyond his the benifits he receives and I cant keep bailing him out. Im really stuck on how I begin to sort this out. Has anyone got any advice

Answer 1

Stop bailing him out and let him face his own consequences. There's financial managment people who can help him out too. He has to learn to be a big boy and stand on his own two feet.

Answer 2

Many of the people responding to your question are assuming that your son does not have the mental capacity to manage his own affairs. This is rarely the case in mental illness (as distinct from mental impairment). Where mental capacity is judged to be intact, the law does not permit you to take over the management of his finances under the court of protection. This is a real dilemma for you - chosing between letting him face the consequences of his irresponsibility - or continuing to 'enable' it by bailing him out each time. There will be a finite limit to your bailing him out - at which point he will sink or swim. Nobody could criticise you for calling and end to it now - before you are both destitute. Advise is of no value to you - others do not have your unique perspective, or your emotional involvement. It comes down to a simple choice between two obvious courses of action. By all means make a final guesture of your generosity if you can afford to - but then follow your instincts. Good luck.

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear that your son has psychiatric problems.

You are, like it or not, being an enabler, which means that you keep bailing him out, therefore he learns nothing, and overspends again.

This is a typical thing for a parent to do, especially if you still feel as if you have a child on your hands.

Even though your son has psychiatric problems, he has to learn to live his own life, in his own way. If he chooses to overspend, then he has to face the consequences.

You have to stop treating him as a child, he is not. Part of being an adult means learning to make mistakes and learning to do better next time. His psychiatric difficulties have nothing to do with the fact that he overspends. Do not link the two. He overspends because he had not learned any consequences.

Once our children become adults, we have to realize that we cannot bail them out or save them. If you continue to do this, what is going to happen to him if you become financially unable to do so, or pass away and absolutely cannot bail him out any longer? You are really not doing him any favors playing rescue ranger over and over.

Consequences are great teachers, let it happen. Just think of how proud of him you will be, and how proud he will be of himself when he has to figure this out on his own.

Since he is getting benefits, social services may be able to send a financial planner to his apartment and help him work out a workable budget, which will give him some spending money, so that he can purchase some items for himself.

You could try to do this yourself, but I have a feeling that you would not be strong enough to keep control of the situation, and a stranger will be more effective.

I work with special needs children and adults and their families, and have had to deal with the same types of circumstances with various families over the years. I had a couple of sets of parents disparing over the fact that their child was so helpless financially and in both cases, they were paying the bail out game and had to put a stop to it in order for things to improve.

Your son should be attending a support group and learning to socialize a bit more, this may help take away some of the need to spend. A great many people overspend when they are upset or lonely, and they are trying to fill the empty feeling they have inside; with material objects.

If your son is able to have him get a part-time job, or do volunteer work with something that he enjoys...sports, animals whatever would excite him and keep him on track with a positive life.

I wish you and your son the best, think about these needed changes as a positive in your life and a big positive for your son's future.

God bless you both.

Answer 4

He doesn't stop because YOU keep bailing him out. I know he's your son and you hate to see in hurting and having troubles, but you have to stop covering for him. He is 27. If the psych hospital thought he was mentally disabled, they would not have let him go back to his flat--instead they would have sent him to a home. So, your son knows exactly how much money he has and how much he can spend. If he goes over---too bad---he'll have to deal with the consequences. And YOU have to allow him to go through that. Tell him right now that you WILL NOT give him any more money. If he has a hard time handling that, then you need to tell him he needs to talk to his counselor about it. End of discussion
I do hope he is STILL getting counseling....isn't he?

Answer 5

Is he getting all of his benefit entitlement? A lot of people are under claiming what they are due. Check this out with a benefit advisor at the Citizens Advice Bureau.
Pleased to hear that your son is safely home and doing well. Could you help him manage his money better but not bail him out so often? Is he able to work? If not, perhaps voluntary or therapeutic work would stop him being bored and spending too much.

Answer 6

Many people your son's age are facing higher and higher levels of personal debt; our salaries never quite seem to match what we would like to buy! It is something that he needs to get under control as when debts amass they can cause stress which will not be good for his overall mental health. This may seem like a bit of a basic question but has he ever had to calculate and live within a budget before? If not may I suggest you sit down and devise one together using a spreadsheet programme - it may actually be a great way for your son to feel more in control of his life. Hope things go well!

Answer 7

He needs a payee. If he cannot handle the money then someone (it could be you or not) needs to pay the regular bills and dole out the money to last the month. Don't bail him out. He will never change if you do this and it is too much of a burden on you. If he purchases something on credit, who ever accepted his credit should take the loss, not you since they should be doing a credit check.

Answer 8

I have been precisely where you are. Apart from all the heartache that this situation brings, you have to deal with the ways in which their 'illness' manifests itself. As a father devoted to his son, I helped him out, rescued him from all the dangerous situations he had got himself into, and so forth, but in the end I just HAD to take control of his affairs, and curb his spending, and also try to understand why he was doing it anyway. We DID get it under control, he now lives within his means, but I have to check all the time that he doesn't have access to very much money, because I know that he will get taken advantage of by his friends, well, they're not friends, but they will get him to buy all the drinks, etc etc etc. My wife and I also have an autistic daughter, but that is another story.
Be prepared for some very stupid replies to your question.

Answer 9

hi i am marcelline and i did 20 years voluntary with mental people amd depretion don't worry about your son that is not a problem he need someone to teach him budgetting and control his money and when you go out with him try to not take him near shops that is good if he is feeling to buy things his moral is up but don't worry nothing to worry you tell him that examplehe has 50 pounds a week and he has only does and no more don't give him if he come short of money and wih that you are teach him budgetting he is much better than before i can asure you

Answer 10

Sounds as if you need to sit down with him and teach him to budget. Show him how much he makes, then take out rent,utilities and what ever other monthly expenses he would have. Then show him what he has left for food and fun.
If you can, bail him out 1more time then he should be able to handle his money better when he understands how to pay bills and such. As we know, it is much harder than it looks.lol
My son has not had to conquer the issues that your son has and he still needs help every once in awhile. I think I made it look to easy to him, and he doesn't take it seriously enough.
Good Luck and best of luck to your Son

Answer 11

Hi, despite what others have answered before, I do know that this can be a common problem with people who suffer from mental ill health, especially if they suffer with bipolar disorder and are liable to spending sprees whilst in their manic phase. It also tends to be fairly common with people living on benefits.

There are a number of ways that you can help your Son to start taking charge of his finances; it is possible that his utilities can be taken directly out of his benefits, the same with his TV licence as well. This means that the money would be sure to pay what he needs to pay before he has chance to spend it on anything else.

If he is on CPA then he will have a care co-ordinator, speak to them and ask if they can arrange for an occupational therapist to help teach him how to budget. If this isn't possible or is going to take too long then I would suggest seeing if there is a mental health charity near to you:

http://www.mind.org.uk/Mind+in+your+area/

The one I work for has a specific housing service which is the kind of thing that would really benefit your son. They can work with him and will ensure that he is getting his full benefit entitlement and also help with budgeting and managing things now he is living back at home.

It is easy to contact your local Mind association, you can give them a ring and then take it from there. It might also be a good idea to see if they have a carers group that you could access. It would give you some much needed support as you care for your son.

These links may prove to be useful to you,

How to cope as a carer:
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/How+to/How+to+cope+as+a+carer.htm

Carers factsheet:
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Factsheets/Carers/

the information is easy to read and understand, and as you will see, you are entitled to an assessment of your needs.

Caring for a person suffering from a mental health problem can be both rewarding and frustrating at times, so you need to ensure that you look after yourself as well as your son. Finding some extra support for both of you will prove useful and helpful and hopefully take some of the strain off you.

Hope some of this helps.

Take care and good luck.