She is married to a commercial pilot and has two boys, ages 13 and 7. They are wealthy. She is 38 yrs old and has never worked outside of home. After 17 yrs of marriage she decided she doesn't want to be a wife or mother anymore. She started bartending at a local pub and met some shady people who do drugs. Now she moved into an apartment with one of the bad influences (female). My whole family (who is very close knit) is extremely upset and flabbergasted. I can't talk to her now because I am so disappointed. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?
2007-09-24 10:15:59 · 37 answers · asked by x dee x 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
All of your answers are great...I guess I knew the answer all along...you just helped me realize it. Thank you ALL!
2007-09-24 10:51:26 · update #1
First, you need to reach out to your extended family, make sure they know that you still love them and are ashamed of your sisters decision to leave like that. This must be such a horrible time for her children. Reach out to them as well as the husband.
Second, you need to reach out to your sister and get to the bottom of the way she's acting. If she is on drugs then you need to get her into treatment ASAP.
Third, you need to talk to her, talking to her will help you both realize how important family is. Maybe you can help her realize her mistakes and go back to her family.
2007-09-24 10:26:25 · answer #1 · answered by Becky 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why are you disappointed? Because she isn't doing what is expected of her? Maybe that is part of the problem. Sounds like she has had a very white bread life up to now lacking in any real challenge or friction. We all need that in our lives - a challenge, to find our identity - to be us, truely and maybe she's just been acting the perfect wife all these years when really she wanted to be a bit wild and a bit bad.
What you can do is not over react. You don't know that she's doing or dealing drugs (yet) and therefore assume the best. She just trying to find herself and when she finds it she may not be the person she is expected to be but she'll be worth loving whatever so don't fall out about it - you have no right to be disappointed in her as you have no right to expect her to be anything.
What is true for sure is that she is coping the best way she knows how and the only way to help her is to understand what she is trying to achieve and maybe provide some alternative suggestions for ways of achiveing those aims that don't hurt others (her kids and husband -assuming she still cares about him - not you, you parents or anyone else). That is what the 'bad influence' has done and look what it achieved? She's really on side with her and listens to her inner needs better than the family. the only way to get her back so to speak is to get that close too. Remember that your judgement of a bad influence may be premature they just have a diametrically opposed view tho you n what is best for your sister - what if you are wrong and you are the bad influence? I'm just asking the questions that need to be asked.
2007-09-24 10:48:30 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
There's nothing much you can do, besides letting her do what she wants. If she ever comes back to you crying about how sucky things have turned out, let her know that it's her own fault.
It sounds like she got tired of playing life safe. She was married for years, and has now decided to be "independent" and live a faster type of lifestyle.
I had an aunt who did the same thing. She just decided to get a job outside of the home, and suddenly she was leaving her husband for another man. That man started cheating on her with a younger woman.
Even though she's been through alot, she still refuses to go back to her husband.
I don't know. Some people are so ignorant and don't realize how good they have it, until they lose everything.
Maybe, she'll wise up...But that time isn't now.
I would write her a letter or an email...Maybe give her a call. If she refuses to listen to reason, then just let her be. There's no reason for you or anyone else to worry themselves over the decisions she's making.
Her kids will probably resent her for the selfish decisions she's made...It's going to be sad. :(
2007-09-24 10:22:39 · answer #3 · answered by darkening_hope 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The more you judge her the more you will drive her away. Don't act like she's a disappointment. Don't act like you think that she's a bad person. Just treat her how sisters are supposed to treat each other. She is probably hurting a lot even if you can't see it.
I certainly am not saying that you should encourage her to continue living the way she has chosen to. Just respect her decisions. She's an adult and you can't change her. You need to accept that.
Think about what was going on in her life before this happened. Have there been any drastic changes in her life? Was she happy before? If you can understand her you be able to help her better.
2007-09-24 10:27:54 · answer #4 · answered by pretty little liar 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow...is there a chance that she had a drug problem while being an at-home-mom? I've heard of women doing cocaine or meth to keep up their energy in order to deal with the house, kids, husband etc. Maybe she just got hooked and isn't in her right mind. The worst thing you can do is to shut her out. You would have a better chance of helping her if you remain close to her and try to understand what it is she's going through. Don't harp on her because that would make her defensive. Just try to be her friend and to understand so that maybe she will come around and see that she is making a huge mistake.
2007-09-24 10:25:15 · answer #5 · answered by belleebuttons 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i went through the very same thing with my sister and take it from me...just do the best you can for your nephews and let the sister do what she's going to. you know why? because she's going to do it with you or without you. my sister had a husband making 86k a year he gave her everything she wanted. 2 beautiful children. a nice home in the country. she left him for a guy who lives off disability does drugs and cannot get along with anybody and keeps his x with his 3 kids on the side and then she had to go to work (she never even graduated high school) I just say live and let live. i might see her now maybe once a year. and i miss the kids but she still has a lot of (bad) influence in their lives.
do the best you can to hold your tongue.
2007-09-24 10:24:02 · answer #6 · answered by angel1 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
FYI, she's doing drugs, too.
You can't do anything but you can talk to the husband and urge him to consult an attorney. She has abandoned the family, which leaves her in a very bad position if they divorce. If he can provide her with something from an attorney or the Court, it may jar her back into sense.
You may find he doens't want her back. Either way, the best way you can help is to be a good aunt. Those kids are hurting bad. It doesn't matter how many times you tell them it isn't their fault, the bottom line in their minds is, mom didn't love me enough to stay. Be loving, maternal, and patient with them - their emotions are probably running wild. Talk with husband about how you might help with the kids.
2007-09-24 10:20:59 · answer #7 · answered by suzanne g 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Were you guys very close? If so, I have a suggestion that may take a little courage. You HAVE to confront her about this and make her realize the effects she is having on her family and herself. She is probably just going through a mid-life crisis and getting a bit scared. Chances are she will snap out of it with the love of her sister. No, she is not crazy..but she sure as hell does need you right now. Don't give up. You are doing the right thing.
I wish you all the luck!!
2007-09-24 10:20:49 · answer #8 · answered by Oops, did I say that? 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She's kinda young for a mid-life crisis. Tell her you're there for her and will listen without speaking if there's anything she needs to talk about. Tell her if she wants your opinion she'll HAVE to ask for it. This will help open the lines of communication. Be there for your nephews. You need to not talk about their Mom or worry them, just be there until she returns/tells you all what she has decided. Some ppl let life happen to them then seem to change one day when it was under the surface all along. She may have always wanted this. Something may have happened btwn her & her husb she can't talk about & this is her way of dealing.
2007-09-24 10:22:56 · answer #9 · answered by Needs the Cash 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There may be things going on in this marriage that you don't know about. She's also at the age when mental illness or menopause (all of which makes us loose our minds) start showing signs. Just put your opinion aside and talk to your sister. I can't say that I haven't wanted to take off, but I'd go with my kids and spend more time at church if I did leave! No bars for me.
2007-09-24 10:19:57 · answer #10 · answered by nita5267 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋