do you know any religous jokes?

Question

this place can use some humor and happyness.

Answer 1

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this, to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend , there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

Answer 2

A biker was riding along the Pacific Coast Highway one day when all of a sudden a bright light appeared and a voice boomed out of the sky.
"You are a pretty good man" the voice said, "You are always honest, help people, try to do the next right thing, and are always faithful. For that I will grant you one wish."
The Biker thought for a minute then said, "Gee Lord, I've always wanted to ride my bike in Hawaii, how about a bridge from here to there?"
And God said, "Do you realize how much concrete that would take, the waste of resources, not to mention the damage to the sea floor to run a bridge across the Pacific?"
Then the biker said. "You know your right, the only thing I want is to to be able to understand women."

Then God said, "You want that two lanes or four?"

Answer 3

An atheist is fishing in a rowboat when all of a sudden he hears a huge rumble behind him. Suddenly the Lochness Monster comes out, as tall as a 10-story building. The boat is capsized and the atheists yells "Oh my God!" At that moment the lake waves and monster suddenly freeze in place. A deep voice booms down from the clouds, "My child, as an atheist, you did not believe in me before. Why do you only now believe in me in this hour of need?" The atheist says, "Well give me a break. Ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Lochness Monster either!"

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Three captured Christians are running around the Coliseum, being chased by a hungry lion. The first one falls, and is immediately devoured. The second one tries to climb up the side wall, but falls down and is attacked. The third one points at the lion and says "Oh dear Lord! Fill this wretched beast with the Christian spirit!" Suddenly the lion kneels down, clasps its front paws, and says "Bless us O Lord, for these gifts which we are about to receive..."

Answer 4

A rabbi and a successful businessman were at synagogue one afternnon; the janitor was also there cleaning up.

The rabbi calls out, "I am a rabbi, I have led my peopel for 20 years. I have built this synagogue with my own two hands. I have raised money to help send our young people to college. But in the eyes of G-d, I am nothing."

After a period of silence, the businessman rose. "I started out selling newspapers. I opened my first store when I was 24. I own a chain of 4o stores in eight states. I make millions; I treat my family like royalty. I give to charities. I win humanitarian awards. But in the eyes of G-d, I am nothing."

All is silent for a while, then the janitor speaks up.

"I immigrated here from Poland as a boy. I worked hard all my life. I sent my only son to college. But in the eyes of G-d, I am nothing!"

The rabbi nudges the businessman. "Oh, so look who thinks he's nothing?"

Answer 5

As a druid, I think its maybe OK for me to put this one in LOL

Q. how many druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. druids don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in stone circles

Q: If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich?



Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey?
A: The Blessed Bee!



Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit



Q: What's the difference between a New Ager and a Pagan?
A: A decimal point. An item you'll pay $300 to a New Ager for, you can get from a local Pagan for $30.



Q: How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch?
A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the New Age Witch will sink under the weight of all their overpriced crystals....



Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.

Answer 6

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

**************************
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Answer 7

Jerry Falwell, a Hindu monk and a Rabbi are headed for a religious conference. They get lost. It's getting late and they need a place to sleep. So they stop at a farm. The farmer tells them he has a place for 2 to sleep in his front room, but 1 will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu agrees he will. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. "I'm sorry," he says, "but there is a cow in the barn. The cow is a sacred animal and I cannot disturb its sleep by being in there." The Rabbi says "That's fine. I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door. "I'm sorry," the Rabbi says, "but there is a pig in the barn. A pig is an unclean animal and I cannot defile myself by sleeping in the barn with it." Jerry Falwell says "Well, I guess I'm going to have to sleep it he barn" and goes out. A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door. It's the cow and the pig.

Answer 8

3 nuns in church on a warm day pick to do away with their gowns simply by warmth. no longer an unusual habit on a warm day. So some 0.5 hour later, the door bell rings whilst their gowns are slumped over pews clean around the extensive chapel. They ask who that's. "The blind guy," a voice replies. the three nuns pick to easily open the door simply by fact the guy is blind. He walks in, seems on the nuns and says, "superb ****! the place do you pick me to place in those blinds?" A sailor and a clergyman have been enjoying golfing. The sailor took his first shot neglected and suggested, "****, I neglected." shocked, the priest responded, "Dont use that variety of language or god will punish you." The sailor took purpose and hit his shot 2d shot. returned he neglected and under his breath the suggested, "I ****ïn neglected returned." The priest overheard and responded, "My son, please dont use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his 0.33 shot and as quickly as returned he couldnt help mutter, "Oh ****" The priest suggested, "That ïs it god will easily punish you." unexpectedly a bolt of lightning got here down and killed the priest. interior the gap a deep voice suggested, "****, I neglected". A boy asks his father to apply the vehicle and the father replies "No, no longer till you shrink your hair!". The boy replies "yet father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, yet Jesus walked everywhere."

Answer 9

Did you hear about the dumb blonde who started going to church?


She heard that there was a guy in there hung like this!

(but you have to imagine me spreading my arms out to both sides a la Jim Morrison)

I told that joke in a pub late one very long night and accidentally stuck my cigarette in some chick's ear as I demonstrated the punchline, I almost got into a fight with her boyfriend!

Answer 10

In a relegious studies, there's a young girl called rebecca,the rest of the class and the teacher.

She was just about asleap when the teacher picked on her and said, who is the lord?

The boy behind her reached forward and poked her with a pin. "JESUS CHRIST" she exclaimed.

A while later, she was picked on again, "Who is the creater of the world?" asked the teacher.

The boy poked her with the pin again - "GOD ALMIGHTY" she cried... "very good said the teacher.

Later she was picked on for a final time "What did eve say to adam after they had had so many children?"

The boy poked her with the pin again and she shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF!!!"

hope you like it... ;-)