My parents invite themselves over, or ask in a way that you can't flat out say no, to my house. Recently: my brother (in his MIDDLE 20's) is moving, about 5 miles away from where he is now, and my parents are coming 6 hours to move him. Which this is the second time in 2 years, I've also moved in this timeframe, a lot farther away, but still close enough not to rent a truck, and they NEVER lifted a finger to help me move. When they come, they just plan on staying at my house. I found out about this the other day, they've already made arrangements with him to come and on which day etc, but didn't ask me to stay here. They always stay at my house, never ask, just tell me a few days before. Also, when they come, they not only stay at my house, and act like they are better parents to my kids, and get them off their schedules, they invite my my brother and family, to MY house, for me to cook for all of them.
How do I stop this?
Oh, and they have a key, they stole it.
2007-09-24 08:11:25 · 14 answers · asked by ... 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
This made me laugh.
Personally, you can try saying something, but it probably won't do much good.
I have a similar situation and trying to rectify it seems to make things worse and cause hurt feelings.
Good luck.
2007-09-24 08:28:11 · answer #1 · answered by maxmom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow....that's so inconsiderate of them. They definitely are not treating you as an adult, and you have to make this stop, otherwise be ready to be treated as a free hotel, maid/cook and a kid who has to please all of her parents' needs/desires till the day of their death.
We all hurt our parents' feelings at some point when trying to make our own lives, learn to be independent, etc. Sorry, it has to be done anyway. When I moved on my own my mother also felt the right to have a key to my house. I traveled for a month and she kept the key, came to my house and "cleaned and arranged" everything, thus invading my privacy and the way I like things to be at *MY* house. Needless to say that I took the key away from her as soon as I came back and she has never had a copy of it ever since (5 yrs ago) even though she complained about it numerous times and has never set foot on my house ever since either bcuz I haven't invited her.... I always go to HER place instead.
How could you have not said anything when you realized your parents had your key AND you had not given it to them willingly????? Of course this kind of passive attitude awards them the right (in their minds, of course) to continue doing as they please because they see no bad consequences coming from it. They spoil your children and you say nothing about it -- guess what, they're going to continue doing so. If you continue cooking for everyone THEY invite to YOUR house, guess what, you will become their official cook. You should probably not have cooked anything in one of these occasions and when everyone showed up said something like "sorry, I wasn't asked in anticipation whether I was able to have guests and didn't have the time to cook, we'll have to chip in and order a pizza or something"....... they would have thought twice before going to your house again without YOU inviting them first.
You have to start taking some drastic actions here, because they have been plain rude and kindness and subtlety aren't going to work. First off, as everyone else said, change those locks!!!! And yes, plan something for the weekend they're coming and say you're sorry but you have your own life and are not available for them. After a few times of doing this they should start to understand.......... Yes they will be hurt but apparently there is no other solution to this abuse -- which you have allowed to happen for a long time, btw. Good luck.
2007-09-24 08:48:25 · answer #2 · answered by Lprod 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
call them up say sorry you are going to have to stay at whatever your brothers name is house because you have a plans and have already got house guests coming. Casually mention that if they had let you know about this SOONER you could have made different arrangements. Say your whole weekend is already booked up that you will just have to VISIT them the NEXT TIME they STAY at your brothers house . Then ignore the phone for the whole weekend. Also change the locks!!!
2007-09-24 08:25:55 · answer #3 · answered by Angela C 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I can see what you mean, feeling "swooped down on". Perhaps they see it as a fun getting together and only assumed that you would be ok with it.
Sometimes parents forget that their adult children need their space. Empty nest syndrome isn't fun for them either.
Sit down with your parents and share with them, lovingly, but firmly how this makes you feel. Ask for your key to be returned or change the locks.
Maybe you can all some to kind of agreement regarding visits. You need to be truthful though with them, Honey. If you feel like you are being bull-dozed into saying "yes" all of the time it's because you have continued to allow it and they don't realize it's a problem perhaps.
Regarding your feelings about how they seem to favor your brother by helping him and not you, that should be addressed as well. But please understand that parents, like many other people make mistakes.
2007-09-24 08:59:15 · answer #4 · answered by talondora 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Terri. It's your house. Change the locks and be away when they are coming. When they call you 2 days before either don't answer the call or tell them you aren't going to be around and don't let them stay in your absence.
As far as your kids are concerned, your house your rules, period. It's hard but you've got to put your foot down. Tell them to respect your raising of your children and that you aren't a hotel.
2007-09-24 08:22:35 · answer #5 · answered by tetlitea 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Go away for those days after you change the locks.
Secure all keys for the new locks.
Go to the police station, tell them what you did and why, just in case your folks try calling them to get in or if they break in while you are gone.
Go one step further, have a statement notarized, saying you have changed the locks and the date you did it, and the reasons why. that way, if you return and they broke into your place, you can have them arrested for breaking and entering.
ps
don't answer your cell the whole time you're gone, (screen them, let them all goto voice mail) make sure all windows are closed and locked too!
2007-09-24 08:24:33 · answer #6 · answered by NTH IQ 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
call them out on it. no more self inviting. if their making plans they need to consult u first esp since u need to accomodate them and give u enough time to arrange all this. parents pr not its very rude to invite themselves over esp without any notice, u need time to go shopping, clean up and clear out a room or space for them. let them know if they cant do it than u wont welcome them to stay, ur house is not the entertainment house, u have a life and famil to attend to besides enetertaining ur brother, etc. its only fair to ask them to be cosniderate.
2007-09-24 08:43:42 · answer #7 · answered by spadezgurl22 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
change the locks and next time they say they are coming tell them it is not a good weekend for you. be ready for the idea of them to stay there without you there. Just say NO.
You need to set them down and discuss this with them. You are an adult now and they need to treat you like one. Let them know you do not appreciate being treated like a free hotel with no consideration for your plans or feelings. Good luck.
2007-09-24 08:21:07 · answer #8 · answered by vmoore708 3 · 6⤊ 0⤋
Print out your question and all of the resulting comments/answers. Show it to them. Inform them that this behavior is unacceptable. They will keep doing it otherwise.
Change the locks on your house.
Otherwise move far away.
Sorry to hear about your plight caused by insane parents.
2007-09-24 08:22:05 · answer #9 · answered by Flyer 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That's ugly!
First, you need to change your locks. It is rude of them to presume they have the run of YOUR house.
Second, the next time Mom and Dad invite themselves over politely tell them you and YOUR family have made plans. Apologize for the inconvenience. They will have to make other arrangements.
2007-09-24 08:21:34 · answer #10 · answered by mediahoney 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋