What is going on with my daughter and my relationship?

Question

Up until about the last 6 months or so, my daughter and I had a great relationship. She is 11, about to be 12 in a couple months. She started middle school this Fall. All through her childhood, we were two peas in a pod - hanging out, doing dad/daughter stuff all the time, having a blast, etc. but now it's like she has absolutely no use for me. She's not excited by me, doesn't want to go canoeing, skating, putt-putt, any of that anymore. She still does stuff with her mom, but acts like she just does not at all want to do anything with me. What is happening?

Great answers so far everyone I really appreciate the feedback. She is my only child so I guess I realize I have no life outside her, obviously! ha. It just feels so crushing that I feel like she absolutely just does not need me anymore. I feel totally broken-hearted. :(

Answer 1

puberty. the end.

Answer 2

Your daughter is growing up and may it difficult to talk to you about certain things: periods, boys, make-up, shaving her legs, etc. It's also not uncommon for kids that age to become "embarrassed" by the parents (one or both parents). I don't know why, but it happens a lot. She may also think you have no idea what it is she likes to do now.

She's probably just trying to gain a little more independence and figure out what it means to become a young woman. She thinks you wouldn't be able to help her because you are a man. She's probably right, sorry to say that.

However, you should take the initiative to talk to your daughter. Tell her you miss doing things with her and you understand she's growing up, but you'd like to keep sharing special times with her. Ask her if there's something she'd rather do besides skating and putt-putt. Maybe she'd rather go to the mall. Express an interest in doing what SHE wants to do, not just what YOU want to do. Don't try to make her feel bad because that could back-fire and she might not want to do anything with you. Here's something my husband and I have done with his daughter (she was about 11 at the time). We started teaching her how to drive. We live on a small farm and have a truck and a tractor. She has learned to drive the truck on the property and really enjoys doing something her friends have yet to do. Try that. Take her somewhere and start teaching her how to drive (not on a road or anything....maybe an abandoned parking lot of something). That may help her realize you know she's growing up and you can do "new" fun things with her.

When her friends come over, don't be all up in their business. Just say "Hey" and tell them there are snacks in the kitchen if they want something to eat or drink. Don't try to be the cool dad or anything like that...she'll find it embarrassing.

If you kind of give her a little room, she'll come around.

Good luck! Hope this helps.

Answer 3

You might want to look into the kids she is hanging out with at school.

If it started after she went to middle school, she is probably hanging out with some of the more "popular" kids in school and they can be really bad influences. If she cares what people think about her and takes the things that people say about her to heart, this might be the case.

Also, talk to her teachers about the way she acts during class. It is possible that something happened at school and she doesn't want anyone to know.

She could also just be going through a "girly" phase and doesn't want to do any "sporty" things.

I am 16, and I love hanging out with my dad. I love playing putt-putt with him and watching football games and other "guy" things. And on several occasions, I have been accused of being too much like a guy and have been asked if I was gay. This is not the case. If this question was asked to your daughter, it might have made her really upset and she wanted to associate herself with more "girly" things.

Hope this helps and that you get your best friend back.

Answer 4

I'm not a father and I don't have any little sisters, so this is in no way based on experience. I'd bet that lots of dad's have sung this song in the past, and what you're experiencing is very common. Changes in your daughters life (ie. aging and going to a new school) are going to make it apparent that guys and girls are different. It chould just take her a while to realized that father-daughter relationships don't go by the same rules that she is learning about adolescent boy-adolescent girl relationships. Keep offering the canoeing option. Make it your special thing. If she keeps giving you the cold shoulder, tell her you miss her. Best of luck with some long years ahead!

Answer 5

She is growing up and probably embarrassed to talk to you about some things. This is very common w/ young teens. This is the time when girls start getting interested in boys, clothes, make up...etc. She probably feels like she can relate more to her mother because she's a woman and went through everything that she did.

Be patient it will pass. Just let her know in whatever way you can that regardless you are still there for her. :)
Maybe try to set up some family time during the week like eating dinner at the table every week or something to that extent. Don't make it forced though.

Answer 6

Your daughter is a preteen. She is probably getting mouthy and much more secretive too. She is growing up and trying to give up her "kids" activities. It sounds like that includes you. This will last for many years. Don't however quit trying. Stay involved. Take an interest in her school work, her friends, and activities she is into now. She will come back around, eventually. She probably sees her relationship with you as not "cool" at this point. Middle school years are tough. There is a lot of testing and exploring at this age. They are trying not to be kids and to be grown up. It is a difficult transition for parents as well as the kids. keep your chin up and keep trying. Keep on asking, out of 50 no's you may get a yes.

Answer 7

My 14 year old went through this stage with her dad, my husband, and it did pass. Now, she is embarassed by me, but I know this will pass too. She had always had a great connection to my husband but there was something about being 12 and developing, boys, fashion, and everyday stuff that she did not want to share with him. It really hurt his feelings too, but then she came around at the end of grade 7, and now he's really cool again.
I remember this time when I was that age too. Just keep being there for her, and know that it will be OK to hang around with Dad again soon. Good luck!

Answer 8

not much except puberty plus if you believe the Freudian view, this stage she's in is the latent stage and that means that her libido is quiet and all her energy is focused on schoolwork and friends. or if you prefer the Erickson view she's in the identity vs. role confusion stage so she's questioning who she is and is seeking to establish a social and a vocational identity, otherwise she'll be confused about the role she must play as an adult (a very good explanation about why she is still doing stuff with her mom as she can better help with that, being a woman) don't be so hurt, this is all nature. be the best dad you can be and assure her of your love and make yourself available for those rare moments when she'll seek you out specifically. know that you're still her daddy and be grateful that you are able to appreciate watching her grow up to be the best woman she can be with your help and love. good luck and much love.

Answer 9

ah yes that teenager stage, don t worry all kids go through this and unfortunatly it may last a few years. My best advice is just let her grow up but with this you also have to be carful. at this satge kids are influenced heavily with peer pressure, and in this generation it all starts younger and younger. You have to let her grow up but keep a close eye on who her friends are, and what kind of new activities she is doing and discovering, also that whole dating this is a big issue, honestly i recomend that she has no boy friends untill a few years, it honestly starts that young now and kids are having sex at that age of 11 or 12 its so sad but true. Just keep a close eye on her and let her know that she can come tlak to you about anything, you have to let her grow up but also help her out along the way, then im sure after that stage you will have a close relationship again, wish you all the best throught these teen years :)

Answer 10

I know it's really hard but she's growing up. My mom and I have always been really close but we went through a time when she was enemy #1!!! I think about things now and can't believe how mean we were to each other at times. Just figure it won't be completely normal again until she's around 20. Then you guys can be buds again. I'd have to say that now my mom is one of my best friends and I can tell her any thing but when I was younger she was always open to let me tell her things but I didn't always open up to her. Just try to be open for her and try to be a cool mom. But be tuff when you need to!!! It's all about being there for her even if she doesn't always want you there.

Answer 11

She's growing up, dad. Who has time for putt-putt when puberty is kicking your tail?

She won't forget you, she won't stop loving you, but she probably can't make any of it any easier on you either- she is only 11 and she is in the throes adolescence.

Be there for her, strong and steady, and eventually she'll be your best friend again- although she may never again be your little girl.