About relationships with differing religious views: "we just don't talk about it." Is this healthy?

Question

A lot of times when people talk about their relationships with people who don't have the same religious views they do, the say the relationship works because they "just don't talk about it." (At least, I've seen that here on R&S many times.)

This really confuses me. I'm a Christian and most my friends aren't. But I don't side-step the religious issue. It's part of who I am, and a part of me that they accept. We talk about our thoughts and opinions on religious and philosophical issues quite a bit. It's always been the same way when I've dated people who weren't Christians, too.

What do you think? In your relationships with someone of a different religion (or someone who has religious beliefs when you do not), do you usually avoid the subject or do you explore and embrace your differences?

I agree that with families, it's different. Believe me, I keep my "liberalism" (as my aunt calls it) faaaaaaaar away from family get togethers.

I'm talking about people you're close to in friendships and romantic relationships. It's not a matter of bringing up the differences, moreso that religion is part of the fabric of who we (at least some of us) are, and I'm not happy with not talking about that just because my partner/friend disagrees.

Also, I like to talk about religion. I would wager to say that a lot of us do, seeing how we waste our days on R&S instead of the Cats section.

Answer 1

I think that in a casual friendship / acquaintance situation, it might be best to avoid the topic altogether. But in a close friendship or romantic relationship, I tend to think it would often be the 800-pound gorilla in the room if you never talk about it and it might grow into a mutual resentment and spill over into other aspects of the relationship. I think it's better to discuss it and try to arrive at the point where you can at least have some degree of mutual understanding and respect for each others position if not an agreement.

Answer 2

My boyfriend is an atheistic Buddhist. I am a theistic Pagan. We hardly ever talk about 'religion,' more about philosophy and ideas which we generally agree upon. We're both open to each others viewpoints potentially being true, but even if we weren't, we're intelligent, reasonable adults who can share with each other without flipping out. --Oh, more parts to the question: Were we to get married I would be pretty okay with a secular wedding -- I'm not big on weddings at all. And neither of us wants kids so that problem solves itself.

Answer 3

Communication of any kind is always a plus. However, I'm not sure the topic of religion is required for a healthy relationship. There are tons of people in relationships with polar opposite religious beliefs and they seem to be doing fine. What you term as "we just don't talk about it" could be another way of saying "we agree to disagree." I think it's very healthy because it shows that two people are mature enough to see the common ground they already share without getting bogged down in one topic.

I don't know if I avoid the subject like the plague, but for the most part I find it rather dull. Religion is not part of my life. I also don't like to preach to others my viewpoint on it unless they really want to hear it. Some could interpret this as shallow, but that's cool. If I want to hear preaching, I could always turn on Joel Osteen.

Answer 4

I guess it would depend on why you're not talking about it. I have some friends who I don't discuss that kind of stuff with - the subject just never comes up from either side. They are not my closest friends, by any means, but friends nonetheless.

If someone is intentionally not bringing the subject up because it will cause conflict, you're absolutely right - it's not healthy. It doesn't matter how open-minded and respectful you are about belief systems on your end - if you do not get that back in return and it always becomes a subject of contention when it comes up, then how healthy can the relationship be?

Answer 5

It is not a healthy approach at all. Obviously they should not seek to convert each other - and this is clearly what they are trying to avoid - but there does exist a middle ground,and that is where they should strive to establish some type of meeting of the minds. Ideally,they should exchange views to the extent of discovering what doctrines they have in common,and then use that common ground as a basis for a mutual and shared value system. They can leave the dogma up to their respective ministers. But of of their varied religious doctrines they can and should be able to forge a value sytem that is both mutually acceptable and religiously-based.

Answer 6

Part of being in a relationship is loving and respecting everything about that person, including varying religious opinions.

When people say they don't talk about it, I don't believe they mean it's avoided altogether. It means it isn't a major issue or topic.

Someone open to a relationship with someone of another religion isn't some sort of extremist. Such extremists will look for someone with those same values. Those willing to date outside the religion are those tolerant of other views.

Answer 7

I do not think it is healthy to ignore a possible problem in a relationship simply because it is uncomfortable to discuss it.

I feel very strongly about my atheism and it religion and spirituality is something that I most definitely enjoy discussing. I could not have a relationship with someone that I could not share that part of my life with. I'm not saying that I could not have a relationship with someone of differing beliefs. What I mean is that I could not have a relationship with someone that I could not be open and honest with (regarding my religious beliefs or any other matter).

Answer 8

Depends on the depth of the relationship..

If you are just in a work relationship or are just casual friends then there is no need to talk about religion unless you want to.

If on the other hand you are talking about marriage or making this person a big part of your life... well then you NEED to talk about relgion because religion (or lack thereof) is a HUGE part of who someone is and how they think and why they do (or don't do) what they do.

So if you are just buddies going out for a drink.. no. Thinking about sharing a life, then very very vital.

Answer 9

While I don't think this is the best way to handle certain situations, sometimes it is the only way. I speak from experience!

My fiance is a total believer and I am pretty sure he always will be. He grew up in a household where the devil was getting blamed for everything bad, and God praised for everything good.

We have talked about it enough to realize that all it does is cause him to get upset and angry. It saddens him that I am going to Hell, or whatever, and it saddens me that he thinks he can blame Satan for all the bad in the world (even the bad he does himself!).

We love each other very much and religion doesn't dominate our lives. You guys know me only from R&S so you might think that I talk about religion all the damn time, lol.

Fortunately, he doesn't go to church or talk about God all that much unless I bring it up first, so agreeing to disagree and not talking about it is pretty much the only thing that works for us.

YOU don't side-step religious conversations, but my fiance DOES. He doesn't care about potential contradictions or problems in the Bible. He just believes it and that's all.

Answer 10

Thank you Rachel. I have been thinking about this quite a bit too.

What are they going to do when they have kids? How are they going to raise them? Is it really healthy to raise children in an environment where their parents "just don't talk about it"?!

I love the analogy of Anakin Skywalker and Queen Amidala (yes I am a geek).
Anakin: I want to be the most powerful man in the universe and crush everyone under my boot.
Amidala: I want to bring peace to universe and happiness to all races.
Both: What were you saying? I love you, honey. Let's go boink and make some really mentally messed up kids.

Or at least that is how I saw it.