R&S friends, I'd like your opinion on something, please?

Question

I'm wondering, in a long-term serious relationship or marriage, how much, if any, of a right do you have to ask your significant other/spouse not to do something that you think is dangerous?

For instance, my fiance really wants a motorcycle. I really don't want him to have one because I would like to keep him with me for a very long time. Also, we saw a really bad bike wreck on the belt way a few months ago... I saw a guy pretty much splattered all over the highway. It made me sick to my stomach.

My fiance says it is selfish of me to try to tell him he can't do something that he really wants to do (own and ride a motorcycle). I recognize that he is correct. I know I shouldn't be trying to control what he wants to do with his life. After all, we only get one life.

But this comes down to religion, because he doesn't seem to care that much about taking chances (he thinks he's going to have everlasting life in Heaven anyway). I think this life is all we get..

Thoughts?

I ran out of characters on the question, so I didn't explain as well as I wanted to. Let's clarify. He isn't a completely wreckless person, but I think it is safe to say he definitely does not value his life as much as I value mine. He isn't afraid to die and he isn't afraid of others dying. It is pretty much a non-issue for him, as a direct result of his belief that he wll be going to Heaven after he dies.

While I very much appreciate the concern some of you are showing over our differences in belief, we have discussed it at length to the point that there is nothing else to discuss, and I think we have agreed to disagree at this point. That is an issue we are finished discussing. We still want to get married, so.. guess we'll see what happens as far as that goes... :o)

Answer 1

good morning linz.
I'm at work now but I'm going to come back and answer this q later today so don't go away....
he is NOT correct, but for a reason and with conditions

:)))
blessings to you

EDIT
Hi Linz
I'm not even going to touch on your differences in faith. That's for you two to work out. :)
However, I think I speak from experience with 20 years of marriage....
The first thing you both need to understand is that, regardless of your beliefs.... your lives are no longer YOUR OWN. You belong to him and he belongs to you - that being said, YES you have every right to ASK him to make better choices for your (read both of your) future. And he has NO right to tell you you are selfish for doing so. You need to both sit down and talk about how you feel about this, and what (if any) benefits apply to the activity in question.

Example: my husband loves baseball. he loves to play. My husband is also a truck driver. He needs his knees. The last year he played baseball he twisted his knee and just about lost use of it for a time, and we talked. At the time we had a small child and another one on the way. The pros were that baseball was fun, we both enjoyed it. The cons were that he really needs his knees... in his job, in his family life, and for himself. The chances of him being hurt worse than he had been (the next time ) were just too great. He decided to withdraw from baseball. That's not to say he wouldn't be hurt doing something else - it just means he's decreased the odds of something happening.

the same goes for cars. We both like smaller type cars. But we have a limited income and 3 growing children. Can we afford a small sporty car?

What about a vacation? I want to go to Disney world. It's 1500 miles away. With a limited income, do we do Disney or do we go camping?

Marriage is a partnership. I believe you know that. But what really needs to be driven home is that as a partnership - you listen to the other one with care and concern - and THEN make a decision together. The operative word is "together".

As far as his thought that it doesn't matter what happens to his life because he knows where he's going... that's fine, but really - it isn't HIS life anymore. It's your LIVES together.... :)

I hope this is helpful. I in no way intend for this to be a criticism or judgment. I am hoping it's just a fresh way of looking at something as precious as the marriage of two people :)))

moocho blessings to you and he - soon to be "we"
:)

Answer 2

Linz, I'm not on your friends list, but I hope you don't mind that I've responded.

Marriage is all about give and take. Whether you view marriage from a religious perspective or not, once the ceremony is over, you're both supposed to function as ONE; you are no longer two people walking around doing your own thing. You are supposed to live to please & support him and he is supposed to live to please & support you -- that's how it works: his life is yours and yours is his. When one spouse goes back to living like they have no accountability or responsibility toward the other spouse, that's when the marriage starts having problems.

You have serious concerns regarding his safety, which are fully supported by statistics. Yet, from his perspective, who are you to restrict him? In this case, I think he should do what it takes to make you feel safe and happy. For goodness sake, it's not as if you're asking him to give up everything that's fun! If he has difficulty aquiescing to your needs before the marriage, how will he function after you are wed? If this is a recurring issue for the both of you, maybe you should get some pre-marriage counciling.

Answer 3

Actually, you're both wrong - you only get everlasting life in heaven if you follow God's will.

But that wasn't your question. You should explain your fears to him - he will still want the bike, though.

There are a lot of bikers who ride safely. Make sure his bike has flashers or whatever else he needs to put on it to make it easily seen - most bike accidents happen when motorists fail to see the motorcycle and pull out in front of it. Also, make sure he doesn't speed - again, many accidents happen when bikers go too fast - driving recklessly on loose gravel, passing cars illegally, etc.

You can't control his life - just like he's not justified in controlling yours. Let him know your fears, but that's all you can do.

Answer 4

I think he is looking at it from the wrong perspective. He is claiming it is selfish of you to "try to control him." In truth, HE is being selfish for not considering the wife he may leave behind in the event his reckless behavior goes awry. A relationship is a compromise, a collaboration. You must always consider the other partner when making decisions. You are expressing concern for his safety and he is completely not taking your concerns into consideration. This is not a compromise.

It is true that you can't tell him what to do in this case, though your input certainly has a bearing on the outcome. He is not just making decisions for himself now, he is making decisions for you two as a couple. Each and every decision has an effect on both of you and when you have children, they will come into play as well. Remind him of this fact and he will be less quick to play the guilt trip on you.

If you are really that concerned about it, I think the only real option you two have is to not get the bike. You may be able to compromise on that, but you may not and he should respect that. It is possibly a life or death decision. If it were something less dangerous, I would expect you to compromise a little more, but in this case, he just needs to learn that it isn't all about him anymore.

Answer 5

I had the same situation with my wife. She was not a fan of the sport bike I had, and justifiably so, because it was pretty much the fastest thing on the highway in the country. However, she knows me to be a responsible person (don't know if the same is true for you fiance or not) and she trusted me to ride responsibly.

Now the funny thing about the motorcycle is that when we had kids, actually, when my wife got pregnant, I began to feel guilty every time I went for a ride. These things are more dangerous than cars and I will be the first to admit it. And no matter how careful you are, other people do things that put you at great risk, usually unknowingly because they don't see or hear you.

So the guilt I felt about potentially leaving my new child fatherless led me to sell the motorcycle. I occasionally miss it, but not much. It was a blast to ride, but there are alot of other fun things to do in the world too.

Answer 6

From a relationship POV, as long as he's not directly trying to commit suicide, there's not much you can do. Of course you can yell and scream and nag him so much that he either gives up the idea or ends up leaving you over it. But that would only cause problems. I think the best thing for you to do is say,
"Well hon, I've thought about it and, while I really fear for your safety and think it's dangerous to ride a motorcycle, I also realize I can't stop you from getting one. So if you'd like one, and we can afford it, you go right ahead." Say it as sincerely as you can, give him a kiss, then drop it.
Not only will this save both of you alot of yelling, the fact that it isn't so forbidden anymore might make the idea less appealing to him.

From a religious POV, a spouse should honor his or her partner fully. So, in a way, if you're that broke up about it he should just say, "Okay honey, sorry for worrying you. I won't get one if it bothers you so much." That, I think, would be the "Christian" thing for him to do.
But it doesn't always turn out like that.

Answer 7

Tell him that he has to stay dead for a while until Jesus comes back to resurrect him on Judgement Day whereby then he will have to give an account of himself. His fixation with a material object that could make him an organ doner and someone else a victem is immature and ridiculous. Bikes are impractical. Can't ride in the rain or snow. They fall over. Easily stolen. Takes a long time to be able to ride one proficiently. If you do wreck, helmut or not, somethings gonna get hurt. They're expensive, take time to maintain, and will become more important to him than you are. How do I know...I'm a bikers ex-girlfriend. Not a tatooed Harley Davidson biker type but a regular guy who went to college and only played pool on the weekends with his buddies type of Ducati Sport owner complete with matching brain bucket. It was nice. I rode on it with him a few times and he was safe but I could tell, that bike wasn't ever gonna become a mini van full of babies while we rode off into the sunset to become a happy family. I'm glad it didn't cuz the guy I eventually married is sensable enough to pour all his resources at least into a hobby that's useful and if the "biker boy" I dated had ever given up "his ride"...he would have resented me for life. Tell him to pick..you or the bike. If he picks you...you're good to go..if not then you are better off anyway. Sorry to be so harsh but men's egos are often time wrapped up in this stuff so tightly to the exclusion of all else that they can't see what is really important. Love in Christ, ~J~

Answer 8

You have the right to ask him not to do something that makes you worry. However, he has the right to say "No, I'm going to do it."

He is an adult. He has the right to choose what risks he takes, but he also has to take responsibility for the consequences of his choices - in this case, making you unhappy.

Let me leave you with a quote to pass on to him: "There are old motorcyclists and there are bold motorcyclists, but there are no old, bold motorcyclists." I grew up riding motorcycles, and the first thing my father told me when I said I wanted one of my own was that the worst thing I could do is get cocky while riding a bike. It sounds to me like he's pretty cocky before he's even gotten onto the bike, and that could get him killed, and cause lifelong damage to you and to anyone else who was unfortunate enough to be involved when he wipes out - something he needs to think about, because right now it sounds like he's thinking he's the only one who would be affected.

I'm not going to claim to be a Biblical scholar, but there's a REASON that Pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, and his willingness to take unnecessary risks because of his confidence in salvation is a form of pride. He is not valuing the gift of life he has been given. I know that if I gave someone a precious gift and they destroyed it by being stupid and cocky, I'd be pretty annoyed with them, and I don't imagine his god would be any happier about it.

Answer 9

Is he a good rider? Cars are dangerous too, I've seen people walk away from some pretty bad wrecks on a bike, with most of their skin attached. I don't think that they are that dangerous. The least he could do is to promise to be extra safe, just to make you feel better. If you are going to be married, then that's the kind of compromise that he's going to have to deal with.

Answer 10

Men tend to be bigger risk takers than women are. It is just the way that the two different sexes are wired. I don't think that he is taking chances simply because he knows that he will go to Heaven. Did he actually say that? Was he serious?

Besides, there are worse things than dying. One could get paralyzed or lose a limb. My aunt used to work as an ER nurse. When I used to ride motorcycles,she told me a story about scrubbing the dirt and asphalt out of the skin of a motorcycle rider who slid across the pavement. Makes your skin craw to hear about it. On the other hand, my father rode a motorcycle for years and never had a problem.

As a woman, you are always going to be trying to control your man, and he is always going to resist your attempts to restrain him. That's the name of the game.

I didn't really answer your question, I suppose. You cannot control another person, and nagging just makes him more stubborn and makes him want to do it more. Just let him know what your concerns are, and that you are only saying this because you love him and want to keep him around.