my boyfriend and i are engaged in a distant relationship. he's 10yrs older than i and he's currently a year wed to someone who's distant from him also but as to him their marriage is dysfunctional. my parents knew about him but they didn't know yet that we're going steady. they totally opposed the idea. i love them all but i know i have to choose. all my life i obeyed my parents and now i'm experiencing the beauty and the curse of it. beauty: coz without them i won't be where i am now and curse: i don't have the total liberty to choose how i'm going to live my life. i have seen how my parents worked so hard even if at times they are mocked and belittled. i am already 23 yrs old but i always consider their advise and sentiments. I am now confused of how to do about it. My boyfriend is my first and we're totally in love and even considered the idea of getting married after his marriage is anulled but would it be selfish if i'll choose him over my parents?
2007-09-23 20:51:35 · 15 answers · asked by alexae t 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
we met 2 years ago..back then my boyfriend wasn't married yet. we lost contact and he was honest enough to tell me he's married.
2007-09-23 21:08:51 · update #1
"...honest enough to tell you he's married"? has he been honest enough with his wife? Best advice I can offer is to get on with your life and see what he does with his. The only reason I can see for you to devote yourself to someone who's far away and already married, is because you're afraid of commitment. This is a safe way for you NOT to have to get into relationships which is the only way for young people to find out not only who they themselves are, but also what they need from someone else to make a good, healthy, and loving relationship.
I'd put money on this one that you'll soon stop hearing from him. Get on with your own life - mature some more - and don't be gullible.
2007-09-29 05:12:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ask yourself why his marriage is dysfunctional. Who is causing the problem? You would only know if you have listened to both sides of the story. If he is the problem then I am sure won't want to wind up in the same situation as his wife. But if he's not the problem, I don't think there's any reason for you to hurry. Since you said it's only been a year since he married his wife, I can only surmise that you have only been steady for months. Give yourself the chance to know him better. I think that's pretty difficult to do because you are far from each other. Love yourself enough to make sure that he's good for you.
I'm sure that you know that love is more than just a feeling. I would advise you to use your head. As you've said, your boyfriend is your first. You still have a lot to learn about relationships. So take it slow. Be open to other possibilities.
You say that your parents don't approve of the relationship. They just want what's best for you. They love you. Any parent wouldn't want his or her daughter to be involved with a married man. Try to understand them. They want you to be truly happy. Talk with them. Perhaps you don't really have to choose between your parents and your boyfriend if you have justifiable reasons for staying involved with him.
I hope this helps. The most important advice that I can give you is, USE YOUR HEAD.
2007-09-23 21:17:43 · answer #2 · answered by redgem18 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that maybe you are lost in love. It would be selfish to not confront your parents and everything you are feeling. It would also be selfish not to confront your boyfriends wife. Despite the fact that their marriage is dysfunctional, you have to consider, no matter how terrible you may think his wife is, put yourself in her position. What makes you think that will not be you in a year. I was in the very same position as you were. I chose him over my parents. My parents, despite my selfishness, saw my boyfriend for who he was and helped me get out of a bad situation. There are millions of men on this earth. Im sure you can find one that is single, someone your parents approve of, and someone who is not already married. You also have to consider, your parents love you unconditionally, what do they have to gain by telling you not to be with this married man? Now consider, what does this married guy have to gain from telling you whatever he is telling you? I know you will probably ignore what i am saying, when i was in your position, i did. But you have to look at your life, do you really want leftovers?
2007-09-23 21:13:21 · answer #3 · answered by Lany 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are just feeling guilty because you feel like you are not repaying all those years of hard work that they have done for you. But you know what? Seek what you are truly happy with and I'm sure they'll be happy for you as well.
The thing is they are older than you and know what's best. But I'm sure that when they advise you, it's according to their experiences. What's best for them may not be the best for you, because only you know what's really right for you.
You're already 23 years old, but you're still young. If ever this relationship works out, then good for you! If it doesn't, you will have learned from it and will change for the better.
So take a risk. Life is short.
2007-09-23 21:00:53 · answer #4 · answered by xross14 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
There is no way to know if you are truly in love with someone until you actually meet them and get to know them.. Online, people will tell you what they think you want to hear, and exaggerate about so many things. People are deceived and hurt every day by online liars. You are taking this person's word that he is not happy in his marriage. You are taking his word that he is a nice person. So many people lie online it is unreal. Never alienate your family, because when all is said and done, they may be the only ones that you have.
2007-09-23 21:03:34 · answer #5 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have a sister who is dating a guy in a dysfunctional marriage. She has been waiting for him to get divorced for 6 years now. Get the picture.
2007-09-23 21:47:02 · answer #6 · answered by Nice Guy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
DO NOT RUSH MARRIAGE.........you'll be kicking yourself in the ***, this is what you do.......GET OUT AND MEET PEOPLE YOUR AGE, IF THEY ALL SUCK AND ARE FAKE AND STUPID AND IMMATURE, **** THEM, MOVE ON YOUR WAY.....then......go with your heart......your heart will take you there......the lonliness......the emptiness......the need for love........God will bless you if you wish to obey God and be blessed, God brings life in your life.......love God more than anybody else and God will love you before anybody else....i'm 26 and with a lovely christian fiance and we're getting married someday and we don't have any sex till the honeymoon, i don't even touch anything that's covered twice and no stupid oral sex either (yucky)
2007-09-23 20:59:55 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
sometimes, if your parents are really unhealthy its good to break away some. This guy is still married? I would not approve if you were my kid. Wait till he is unattached, and for gods sake find out who you are b 4 you tight the knot.
2007-09-23 20:58:28 · answer #8 · answered by GabbyGal 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Family COMES FIRST! Lovers COME AND GO!
What will happen when your lover leaves, who are you gonna run to...YOUR PARENTS, FRIENDS AND FAMILY?
Balance your life out and make time for your family/friends....
Then your lover! If not, you will look like a USER when you run to your family in tears, all broken hearted. Don't be like that!
2007-10-01 10:04:06 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is 33 and married to someone else and you still call him your boyfriend? As long as he is still living with this person called 'his wife', he is still married and scamming on you. My advice to you is RUN, FAR AWAY AND FAST AS YOU CAN! Take your parents advice, dump this guy and find one that is NOT married to someone else!
2007-09-28 10:09:18 · answer #10 · answered by iamroxi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋