How do I explain to the kids their mother will not be seeing them for a really long time?

Question

I am a single dad with custody of the kids. Their mother is no longer involved with them. Went back to court for their mother to have supervised visits only. It was granted. She said that I better take care of the kids because she would not be seeing them for a long time. Her and her new boyfriend are both in trouble with the law for drugs and a lot of other things. After court she was arrested for her warrants. Some how, she bailed out. she called me and told me she was moving to another state over 700 miles away. My babies are 11 and 6, How can a mother just leave her kids? Even though she is not in the best of situations, I guess it is a lot easier to run from her problems. I guess I just don't know how to explain to the kids she will not be around. My daughter still cries for her. What am I to do?

Answer 1

Then you tell it like this.

"Mommy loves you dearly, but things aren't going well for her and she wants to make it right before she can come back."

Answer 2

That's so sad! Well, first of all at least they do have a father who loves them and cares for them. Wow...I wouldn't know what to say either and I feel for you.

I kept typing different things for you to say and each time I was afraid the words might somehow damage the kids. So, my best advice to you would be to make an appointment with a child psychologist and ask them how to word it. They will know better than anyone.

I don't understand how a mother can do that...well a real mother wouldn't. I have a daughter 15 and a son 9 and just the thought of either of them leaving our home even when they come of age...is hard for me to think about. Guess when the time comes I will find a way to deal, but I just don't get your ex.

I just want to say that I am sooo proud of you for being so good...and feeling for those kids. So many times children don't have a good father or mother...you sound like you are great! Keep up the good work and continue to let them know that none of this is their fault because many times children blame themselves for the break up. I wish you and your children the best of luck and I hope I have helped.

Answer 3

First I'm not defending the mother but you said how can a mother just leave her kids.Unless you are put in the very same position you don't know what you would do you only think you know. You said she was going to jail for a long time so she saw no other way out. I think you do the crime you should do the time but obviously she did not. Your kids are not babies as you stated they are young kids and they are smarter then you think they are and as such they deserve to hear the truth and nothing but. Your kids are in school so that means some of the other kids might say something about their mother so for that reason alone you need to tell them about their mother. It won't be easy to tell them but it's better then lying to them.

Answer 4

When they ask about her be honest with them but don't talk bad about her. Tell them that mommy moved to __________ and it may be a while before she can come see you. My brother-in-law went through something very similar. Only his wife took off with the kids and got them taken away by children's protective services and we (the whole family) had to fight for 13 1/2 months to get them back, that was about 12 or 13 yrs ago. So at least she didn't take off with your children.
It is hard on the children and you. It would probably help to start some counseling.
As a mother I could not imagine walking away from my children. I really believe that their are some women that just aren't meant to be mothers.

Answer 5

What your ex the mom did was the best thing. That means she does love them. She choose not to have them around her when she is on drugs or doing things that she should not be doing. so be glad that the kids are with you and that she is doing what she is. I know it sucks and it will hurt the kids but in the long run it is for the better. let you kids know that mommy does love them but right now mommy has to take care of things because she is not well, but she does love you.
If you have good memories about her with the kids , talk about those.. give them something that was hers to hold onto. i know its hard and hurts, but you have to be strong and please don't bad mouth the mom in front of the kids. Believe me i know its gonna be hard and you are gonna want to. But she is still there mom.
right now her mind is not where it should be , but her not being around the kids when she is on drugs or doing wrong things in my mind is the best thing ever for the kids. be strong!! you can do it..
Let the children know that you love them and they are NOT the ones that caused any of this..
Don't make them be in the middle.. children feel that they are the reason for things , reassure them they are not , and what mom does has nothing to do with them.

coming from a single MOM , with a 4 year old!!

Answer 6

I am so sorry to here that you are going through this.
First just keep talking to the children, let them know that mom is really sick and will not be coming around for a while. Let them know that she has gone away to get some help for her illness. When she cries just hold her and let her know that you are there and that you will not leave her. Trust God to take care of her and get on with raising your children. As time goes by they will accept the fact that you did all you could to protect them and they will LOVE you for it.
Keep your head up and God will Bless you.

Answer 7

Continue to tell her that her mom loves her but she is sick and needs help. I am not a big Christian, but you can say that she can pray for her mom to get better so that she can come visit some day. Do you have a sister or does her mother? Get her really close to them, have them involved in her life in a big way. If not find another close woman friend that can be her friend, not her mom, honestly there is no replacement for mom. (I know this, my dad raised me, my mom was around but was a party girl herself). I am grateful that my father raised me, he re-married after 2 or 3 years, that was hard to, but he raised me in a family that showed me what a mom should be/could be. I would also consider getting the children into some kind of child therapy, that would really help them and you may learn more yourself. Continue to be strong, you can do this, my dad did! Seek outside help for your family, it really is a lot to ask to do it all alone.

Answer 8

Choose to be honest with them so that you continue to build trust between you and them; especially now their mom is not around they will need a parent who they can trust. Tell the eldest first using simple languages. Tell the eldest you will need her/his help to tell the youngest.Tell them she made a mistake and broke the law and that she may have to go away for a while, but that does not mean she doesn't love them and regret what she did. Continue to show support to their mom so that they know it is ok to continue to love her despite her mistake. Have them write to her and send her cards to let them know she will always be a part of their lives. Encourage your ex to do the same. If she does not, then you need to step in and send the kids birthday cards on their respective birthdays so that they don't think she abandoned them. That is the only time you should lie. Good luck!

Answer 9

That's a really tough one and I thoroughly sympathize with you. Kudos to you for taking on your kids fulltime. It sounds like they have ended up with the right parent. 11 and 6 are also ages that make it hard, especially for a girl who will be going through all the "girl stuff" in a few short years.

They are, however, old enough to be told a rendition of the truth - and you owe it to them to be as honest as possible because later on in life when they are old enough to question the answers you gave them, they will be able to reason how good an answer it really was.

What if you were to explain to your children that Mommy needs some time to herself to work out some problems? Try not to elaborate on the problems too much and make sure you don't bad talk her in front of the children to the children or to anyone else for that matter. Explain to them that Mommy needs to take time to make herself better so she can be the mother they need. Re-iterate to them how much you love them and that YOU will never leave them. Let them know that you will be there for them through thick and thin and that it's okay to be sad about Mommy, and it's important that they talk to you about their feelings. Tell them if you are sad about her leaving. Try to relate to them. Allow them to name their feelings.

Just another thing I have done (to help my kids through it) is to go down to a lakeshore, or a river bank, whatever, and use a permanent marker pen. Write the name of the feeling on a rock (anger, resentment, fear) and throw it into the water. Let them know that these rocks as they are thrown will make them feel better. It worked for my kids, as my son was very angry for a long time. Everytime he felt his anger get high again, down to the lake we would go.

I feel for you. It's not easy, I know. Take care and God Bless.

Answer 10

First, sorry. Next, try and tell them so they will know they did not do anything wrong, that made her go away.She can leave her kids because she is an addict and is thinking only of herself. I hope you can tell them and they understand. Mommy needs time alone, though she loves you very much, she cannot be with you for a long time. Maybe???? I only know I wish you and your children, who by the way are very lucky cause they have YOU, evrey best wish that can be wished.

Answer 11

The only suggestion I can give is be the best father you can be. The kids are going to miss their mom and that's understandable but you should make it as less painful as possible.
Spend a lot of time with them. Make them feel as if it is not their fault that mommy is not there.
Its a hard situation but you can handle it.
God Bless.