Why do your close friends distance themselves when you divorce?

Question

I see this happen to a lot of people. Friends start to treat you like a stranger, they dont call you , or come into your house. They dont want their kids to play with yours. I think this is when you need friends? I have seen this happen to people i know. I babysit.....(i am never involved).

Answer 1

Basically, it's a confusing time for everyone. Friends don't want to pick sides and often feel they have to. Many will 'step back' instead of making a choice they may not even need to make.

Each situation is unique, and, sometimes, the people getting the divorce may need to be the ones that keep the lines of communication open and let their friends know that things are OK and that the door is still open.

My brother & his wife divorced. I told them both up front that I'm not picking sides and I'm still here for both of them (and my nephew). They've accepted my decision (not that I really gave them a choice) on the matter and deal with it.

On the flip side, I had a friend get divorced and was flat out told that the ex-wife didn't want to be involved with any of us. I'm still friends with the ex-husband & still say hi to the ex-wife if I see her.

It's hard for people outside the relationship to figure things out and many won't even try for fear of getting involved in something personal. Many will also fall back to old alliances and go with whichever friend is the 'oldest'.

Good question.

Answer 2

You're right. This does happen and I think it's because the friends feel awkward. They used to be friends with both the husband and the wife and now that the divorce has happened, they feel like they will be taking sides or hearing complaints about the other if they visit one. Also, I think maybe they just don't know what to say. If you notice, each one of the spouses usually keep the friends that they had prior to the marriage. Those friends usually feel their loyalty lies with the one they knew first.

Answer 3

I think it's that stigma of a single person being around! Meaning that maybe if it were a married female, she might think you're on the prowl for her husband or something. I dunno. No, I really think it's the people who do that, they don't know how to act around them, or what to say. Divorce is similar to death, and it happens when people pass as well. Just an odd phenomenon I guess?

Answer 4

it is more about separating themselves from "that thing" (ie divorce). people fear it happening to them, so they can't deal with it.
if they remained close to you, they'd inadvertently learn how it happened, which is too raw for them to face, because that would mean 'looking' at their own marriage.

its a bit like when a woman is raped, other women can be the worst at condemning her, suggesting she asked for it somehow. it makes them feel more secure instead of thinking it could happen to anyone (ie them).

i hope that makes sense.

basically in a word - FEAR is why they can't be near you during your time of need.

Answer 5

So that they dont get involved with either party, to spare the others' feelings. Basically to prevent drama!

Answer 6

Probably because they think divorce is contagious. But mostly people just don't know what to say.

Answer 7

FEAR OR GETTING INVOLVED, YOU YOUR SELF WROTE YOU ARE NEVER INVOLVED, THEY ARE JUST UNCOMFORTABLE . AND I HAVE HEARD OF PEOPLE GETTING INVOLVED, AND THE COUPLE GETS BACK TOGETHER AND THE FRIEND IS ALWAYS THE ONE WHO WISHED THEY HAD REMAINED NEUTRAL.

Answer 8

as i said to you before . those type arent real friend.s to you only well those who like to chit chat about you friends like that are puton.s in my honest opion ?