I am not good with words , so nothing I say to her will prove how sorry I am , I did as she asked and ended all contact with the woman who I was involved with , we're still sharing our house she wants me to sell it so we can both our seperate ways , I know what I did was wrong but we have children and yes I know I should have thought about them before putting my wife and our kids through this , but I really dont want to lose her , this is 2nd marriage for both of us .
I really need advice , I saw her answering question's here and I know she'll probably read this , I dont feel counciling is needed because we should be able to work it out ourselves , she wont let me back in her bed which is fine I'll continue to stay on the couch as long as she wants , sex isnt the issue with us and it wasnt why I had the affair , my wife is beautiful and loving and she didnt deserve what I did .
I felt a connection emotionally to the other woman I havent felt with my wife in some time.
2007-09-23 17:19:16 · 17 answers · asked by Dragon 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She lost her dad 2 years ago suddenly without reason or cause , her 2 teenage son's are drug and alcahol abusers , my dad died from alcahol poisoning so I am against this fully I can not get past the hurt they caused my wife , she has had 2 nervous break down's and suffered from alcaholism , she has been sober for a while now and i am so proud of her , I just want our live's back to normal .
My question is , do I deserve to have her back I know she loves me holey and soley , her heart and soul are mine she told me , and i love her and I cant picture life without her which is why I stayed and ended the affair the other woman cant even compare to my wife.Please advice needed honest opinions.
2007-09-23 17:21:46 · update #1
Mr Wizard we are aussies and shes not interested in the house so grow up.
2007-09-24 00:44:37 · update #2
Well, well, you sure have gotten yourself into a pickle. I get that you are sorry...thank goodness. Sounds like she needs some space. Give it to her, but let her know that you are there. I feel your dedication to her, finally, so you need to continue with that. There was a movie called the Break-Up, did you see it? The guy slept outside the door every night, for a long time, and she finally let him back in. Your wife is really hurt, having major trust issues with you,, questioning within herself if she can EVER trust you again. Major questions. You need to listen, allow her to go crazy with rage and hear the pain that you have caused in this marriage. She is also looking at herself wondering what she could have done to stop you from having this affair, though she needs to know that it is NOT about her, it was about YOU. You need to share why you did it, what is really inside you, what your fears were/are. Why are you so insecure yourself to look outside your marriage to get comfort from another woman? If you do not want to do couple therapy, go for yourself so that you can see what drove you to this. You will find that it was not your wife but YOU. She needs to see that you can listen and share your deepest thoughts about yourself, that you CAN change and are changing. People cheat because they are afraid of being rejected themselves, because they do not feel worthy of what they already have and are looking to be caught. You have been caught so go and get yourself some help so that you can heal and maybe your marriage. Good luck to you, you can save your marriage if you are willing and she is willing, but you need to show her that you are willing to do ANYTHING to save it.
2007-09-23 18:23:23 · answer #1 · answered by jewels 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think what you did was very wrong. You took the easy way out by avoiding the problems you have at home to build a relationship with someone else. All that said, you have both been through a lot. If she's willing to take you back, then you should try to work through this, but that will take extra steps on your part. You'll need to be sensitive to her every request to know where you are at. Get a cell phone if you don't have one and keep a calendar. When you got to the store and it should take 15 minutes, if you are running late, you better call. If you are going to travel for work, you better make sure she has every detail and you better answer your hotel room phone when she calls. It's going to take time for her to build her trust in you again and you will have to jump through hoops to prove you won't have another affair or one night stand. I won't say that you deserve another chance, but if you can both come to an understanding, there is a lot of power in the words "let's start over". You'll have to work at connecting with your wife again - it is possible if you are both willing. Good luck.
2007-09-24 00:32:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is really easy to start something with someone else emotionally because you don't have any baggage with them. You can just live your fantasy and not deal with "real life". Your wife is very hurt. Many marriages can be rebuilt after an affair, but both parties must be willing to try. There is a great web site called Marriagebuilders.com that has alot of great information. You say you don't think counseling will work, but it would show your wife that you are really invested in trying to work things out. The most important thing is communication and sometimes counseling facilitates this more effectively. You have a mediator that keeps you on point. Good luck and ck out the website.
2007-09-24 02:49:29 · answer #3 · answered by Nicole 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You're both still playing games if you only posted this because you knew she would see it, and then she came on here and answered your question. Ick. Just be adults. Have a normal conversation between the two of you instead of on YA in front of God (oh wait, I forgot, he wasn't invited - though thousands of strangers WERE) and everyone else.
There are bigger issues in your relationship than just the affair. Obviously you don't want her as bad as you're telling yourself that you do - if you were truly happy and fulfilled, then the affair never would have happened. The affair is not the cause of this relationship's demise - it's merely a symptom. Better figure out the REAL reason that you two have drifted if you hope to ever salvage this.
PS - I get that you screwed up and that she's hurt, but I don't believe in the "spend the rest of your life groveling and being a perfect man to make up for your mistake". If that is the condition that the relationship is kept on, it will fail. If she agrees to take you back, then the two of you have acknowledge what happened, be remorseful, be forgiven, and then move on. If those things can't happen (in truth not just in words) then you're wasting your time.
2007-09-24 00:49:52 · answer #4 · answered by Magaroni 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Lots going on here.
First, respectfully, I have to disagree with you about counselling. There are obviously problems with your relationship that made you seek emotional connection elsewhere. What you and your wife have been doing to run your relationship so far is not working - time for some professional help.
Second, you have the right attitude about being patient with her. It's fair that she should get some time to take in all that has been revealed to her.
Eventually, with a counsellor or not, you will have a conversation with her in which she tells you if there is even a chance for you to save your marriage. The good news is, she might give you another chance. The bad news, she might not.
Take care.
2007-09-24 00:32:14 · answer #5 · answered by banana6464 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
My 1st wife left me for the same reason. I cheated on her. She moved back to the state she was from and I stayed here in Washington. She was the woman I really loved. We also have 2 kids that we share. She is now married to someone else. I recently married a woman from Ohio, but I am not so sure I am in love with her. I think I married her because I don't want to be alone. I thought I loved my 2nd wife, but nothing like my 1st wife. I hope you will get your wife back. I know how it feels to be sorry and your wife won't hear you. I know she has forgiven me and forgot me because she moved on. Try and get her to understand because once she is gone, she may not come back.
2007-09-24 00:34:36 · answer #6 · answered by John Joe 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Im sorry for your pain, but what ur feeling isnt even half of the pain she's feeling, she's already had a rocky few years between deaths in the family her sons going arye and her own drinking problems, and now this???????
All i can suggest is u be everything she wants u to be and dont u dare even bat an eyelash to any of it.. and hope and pray that she will find away to forgive u and work on your marriage but u better be willing to suffer for a long while because this will not disappear over night and will take years to even start mending..
2007-09-24 00:49:13 · answer #7 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
first off you will have to earn her trust back.. that can take weeks or month or even years.. you have to decide if you are willing to wait and are willing to show her.. words mean nothing at this time but your actions will speak loudly. if shes willing to try again the you will have to prove it over and over to her..if shes not at this time ready then you must wait till she is if she ever is.. you will have to be willing to be a open book to her.. she should be able to check on you anytime day or night and you not get mad about it. its part of earning your trust back. i commend you for really stopping from seeing or anything with this other woman.. i know that had to be hard also... but if you want your wife back you will have to prove every minute of everyday thats what you want..good luck
2007-09-24 00:32:25 · answer #8 · answered by Kat 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't completely discount the counseling. Having an affair is the ultimate trust-breaker, and regaining that trust isn't going to happen overnight. Counseling may help accelerate the process.
2007-09-24 00:32:02 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I bet you are sorry....this should be a lesson for you...if she wants your sorry a$$ back then you should be saying this all to her not on here...I have always said everybody deserves a second chance if its possible for the both of you...never ever to do it ever again and never bring it up again the either of you...talk it all out and answer all the questions she needs to ask and you answer them all honestly...goodluck and put God first in your lifes and the rest will fall into place...
2007-09-24 00:28:57 · answer #10 · answered by hotmommadru 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋