what should i do?

Question

my inlaws are losing their home,my mother in law wants to separate from my father in law because he has been abusive in many ways to her for 30 years of marriage, she has no job. i offered for her to stay with me, hsband and kids under the condition that she works and supports herself. when i told her she cried and seemed so relieved and grateful, but now iam not so sure because i see my husband has been pushing me to the side and she hasnt even moved in yet, i am worried about our relationship and our family. is this how its going to be when she moves in, her and him, and the hell with me and th kids. i could not handle that. please help!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

I think you reacted with your heart when you offered to help her and that was OK...it was also a good thing that you laid down some rules. However you need to have a talk with your husband and how this will change your lives. Tell him your lives will evolve to include her, but that your expectations of him being your husband and your supporter will not change. My mom always told me 2 queens can not rule a castle and make sure your hubby knows that. Also set a reasonable time frame for her to go say 6-9 months.

Answer 2

You should have given her a time limit and I'd be raising these concerns with your husband now, not when she moves in - tread carefully, very carefully.

It might be difficult to start with but in the end, ensure she knows this is your home, and your home has your rules. That way she can't take over. You give an inch, she could take a mile and your husband WILL back her up. Be subtle and call a spade a spade.

Don't be afraid to tell her its not working out and you think she needs to consider other accommodation. Ensure you put in there is interfering with you and yours husbands relationship. After coming out of a marriage, her of all people should understand.

Answer 3

Sounds like your going to have fun. I had a great mother in law. Be careful. The rule is no two woman can live in the same house. As You know it will be a big adjustment your Ever er one. When she leaves there Will be a norther big adjustment.Your best bet is to pay for a place for her to live in until she gets on her feet.If she has never had a job she sure will not want to go out and get one. Do not take sides with the in laws Remember it takes two. This will be a ruff road for all of you, Be careful.

Answer 4

Well you made a big mistake in not discussing this with your husband first. Even though it is his mother.

He probably feels very put off by you not taking the consideration of discussing this big decision. Heck I would be also, if my husband did something like that.

He may not want his mother living there. Might feel she will interfere with things. I don't know his relationship with her, so I am just guessing. Having relatives living with you will add strain to the household, not to mention less privacy.

I feel the strain and less privacy issue just when we have company for a week or less. I can imagine what it will be like when she is there 24/7

You need to do some sit down talking with your husband and apologize for not talking to him first. Maybe after she has moved in, ya'll can work on getting her out on her own after a few months.

Answer 5

Try to get her a subsidize housing through the Department of Housing. But if possible before she moves out she needs a whole bunch of documents, make sure she takes all the paperwork she is going to need.They have all kinds of programs but you have to call everyday. They will not tell you when they give those applications out, and all of the sudden you may call and they are giving out applications for subsize rent or for Vouchers. You may even call different counties and fill out their applications, she doesnt have to reside in the county she is applying. Once the app. is filled out there is a wait list but it could take sometime, a year or two. In the meantime you may also check appartment complexes that would accept a section 8 voucher (a voucher is a check from the Department of Housing that goes straight to the landlord). It is not easy, but who is going to take care of our parents if we don't! Remember that is not an easy call but who else does she have? It also sounds that you need a family counselor, your church probably offers free conseling, and let me tell you if you need it, dont take all upon yourself, they are usually good at it. Good luck!

Answer 6

Lay your boundaries right from the start with her. It is your house and you are the parent to her grandchildren. You are to be treated with respect and what you say in your home is gospel. Make sure your husband is there when you tell her and he needs to know he is not to take advantage of his duties as husband and father just because his mother is staying. Give her a time limit so she is able to find her own place eventually.

Answer 7

UH OH! Just kidding! Talk to your husband now before it gets worst. Tell him how you feel pushed aside. It is a stressful thing that his mom is going through so that may be all it is. Maybe you could also put a time limit on his mom's stay. Either that or consider building her a studio or something over the garage!

Answer 8

it was kind of you to offer your home to your mother in law. do you all have a good relationship? if she is a respectful woman and not just a "mother in law" she will know to not step on your toes. but, remember, even though thats his mom, it is still your home and do not allow yourself to feel uncomfortable in your comfort zone. you will have to lay down your expectations to him and to her but to each of them privately. let him know how you are already feeling. dont go to him when you are upset or frustrated b/c that will only push him more in her direction, you want to have a casual talk so that he can feel like you all are having a conversation instead of feeling like he's being nagged, its so easy for a man to feel that way!!! make sure you all still set aside private time for yourselves, this situation can bring about some stressful moments so you want to make sure you all still have a connection through intimacy. and when i say intimacy, i dont mean just w/ sex....i mean through conversation, dating, watching movies or whatever you all enjoy doing. and i dont know if you all are a spiritual family or not but the best thing you can do is pray through the whole situation, pray before she moves in and ask God specifically for what you want. prayer changes things!!! i so wish you the best, remember to relax, stay calm, dont stress, pray daily, and take some time alone for yourself to that you can unwind......and remember, you can give your husband something(s) that his mom cant!!! you are the one with the power, dont forget that you have it and dont forget how to use it!!!!

Answer 9

you are probably experiencing first hand what it will be like in a few weeks when she moves in and then again he might be just trying to make her feel a little more comfortable by moveing in with her son. you have to think about it this lady has to start all over and this is a brand new situation....so don;t jump to conclusion just yet.......or better yet ask your husband in a more simpler way if this is how it;s going to be for you and the kids......marriages today ==communicate

Answer 10

LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CAN OF WORMS YOU OPENED BY EVEN INVITING HER TO COME AND LIVE WITH YOU.

YOU REALLY PUT YOUR "FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH" AS THE SAYING GOES.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO TELL YOU? YOU WANT US TO TELL YOU TO TELL HER THAT YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND SHE CANNOT COME, YOU ARE RENIGING ON YOUR OFFER. JUST THINK WHAT TYPE OF MONSTER YOU WILL LOOK LIKE IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD FEEL THREATEN BY YOUR MOTHER IN LAW. SHE IS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH IN HER LIFE. IF HER SON WANTS TO COMFORT HER AND CATER TO HER FOR MINUTE THEN YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM THAT

IF YOU NEVER GREW UP IN AN ABUSIVE HOME, YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND THE TYPES OF THINGS HIM AND HIS MOM HAD TO GO THROUGH DEALING WITH THE FATHER.

HE IS PROBABLY EXCITED THAT HIS MOTHER MADE IT OUT SAFE. JUST GIVE IT SOME TIME. THEY MISS EACH OTHER.

YOU TWO SHOULD BE FINE