cry it out?

Question

How come every time I give someone tips on letting their child cry it out, or learning how to get their child to self soothe, I get loads of thumbs down? My doctor told my husband and me to follow some very simple steps to get our son to sleep through the night in his crib. Yes, in the beginning he cried, but now he goes to sleep on his own when we put him in his crib. Why are people so negative about this? It's not abusive; it actually is good for him to learn that he can soothe himself. I just don't understand why people give thumbs down when I recommend the method. It's happened three or four times now, and I'd like to know if you're against this method of teaching your child how to sleep soundly in his or her crib, then what is your alternative solution? Why would the pediatrician recommend it if it weren't a good idea?

Obviously those of you who are against it, don't realize that you don't put the child down and just walk away until he shuts up. Hey. how about educating yourselves? Look it up. You put the baby in the crib. Five minutes later, you visit the baby, say nice things, then leave again. 10 minutes later, you do the same thing, and again 15 minutes later. My son never just sat there and cried, abandoned. I can't believe there are this many ignorant people out there who just give opinions without knowing what the actual deal is. Wow.

I hold my baby when he cries - but when he goes to sleep, he is able to fall asleep on his own. Can you really not see the difference?

Answer 1

I don't know why you get thumbs down. I had to do that for one of the first times tonight. My baby usually nurses to sleep but today she didn't. I knew she was fed, dry, and actually tired but she didn't want to be held or played with. So I put her down and she was a little fussy but wouldn't take her paci. So I (with support from my wonderful hubby) turned out the light and shut the door to a crack. She wailed and wailed. I thought I was going to lose it. I did. I cried for 10 of the 15 minutes she was crying. But after the 15 minutes she fell asleep. I went and sat by my husband and cried into his chest. She calmed down and fell asleep. No harm done. I was about to go in and pat her and try the paci again but decided to wait (i mean it had only been 15 minutes). I'm glad I waited. All you parents out there WAIT. at least 15-20 minutes. I'm not saying wait hours. but give them a bit of time to calm down.

Answer 2

Well, I never give thumbs down (except in extreme cases of foul language, etc). But I do disagree with the cry-it-out method. It depends a bit on the age of the child we're talking about. A 0-6 month old, never. A 2 year old throwing a fit, sure. I believe that babies need their parents. Plain and simple. They can't do anything by themselves, why would they not be upset at being left alone? I think that a child's trust of parents is established by the parent meeting the baby's needs. It is a psychological (and helps physical development) need of babies to be held or close to parents. When they don't get that, they express the need by crying--the same way they express all other needs. When trust issues develop in people, it affects their ability to form relationships for their entire life. Sorry, you didn't really ask why we're against it and I went off a bit there.

My alternative is to do whatever needs to be done that is comforting to the baby. Whatever makes him feel safe and loved. I'm all for cosleeping, but I do realize it's not for everyone. By the way, how do you know the child is "self-soothing" and not giving up on trying to get his needs met? Again, it depends a lot on the age of the child we're talking about. I don't have another alternative since I've never gotten anything else to work.

Why would the pediatrician recommend it? Well, I could go off again on the myriad of things doctors do that aren't necessarily good, but I'll spare you.

That's my opinion on that. You asked. :) Some people just see another side of things or do things another way (like me). But what it comes down to is that everyone has to do what works for their own family. As far as giving thumbs down by stating an opinion or option, yeah, I hate that too.

Answer 3

Every pediatrician, just like every parent, has a different set of standards, practices and beliefs. Your pediatrician sounds like he's more old-school and into the out-dated Ferber method. Even Dr. Ferber later revised his cry-it-out and self-soothe recommendations when studies showed that the excessive stress created by the practice release cortisol into the baby's body thus literally changing the neural structure of the brain during a critical time of development. There are also studies that suggest that this "harmless" practice, instead of creating children and adults who are independent and able to self-soothe - it creates clingy, dependent and insecure children. You should be careful of what you do to make your child more 'convenient' for you during infancy.

Many do not agree with the Ferber method and do, in fact, consider it insensitive and abusive. Ever wonder why Americans have the highest rate of antidepressant use, the highest drug use, the highest suicide rates, etc. etc.?? Could it be because we aren't even soothed as babies?

Answer 4

First let me say that I agree with the previous poster on not completely trusting Peds 100%. I had a severe kidney disease which required me to need dialysis and eventually a transplant at the age of 11. I wasn't ever diagnosed until we switched Peds and I only had 30% use of my kidneys and severe high blood pressure ( they were suprised I hadn't had a heart attack yet).

Anyways the answer to your question depends on your style of parenting. Sounds like your might use babywise or some other book which suggests crying it out or self soothing. Babywise (if you use it I'm not sure) has been linked to failure to thrive because of the strict feeding schedule. Those children sometimes develp central nervous problems with prolonged crying at young ages.

Besides that some people believe that babies cry for a reason (me included). And what ever that reason love, attention, or food. I think it should be reasonably met. That is their only way of communicating so letting your child cry makes some people believe that the child feels that they can only have their needs (no matter how small) met when you want to meet them. I do however think you should let your baby cry if you are angry or fear you may hurt him/her. I"m sure every mom would agree that trying to soothe a baby that just won't calm down can become a bit much. At that point you should let your baby cry.

You are right in that it's good for babies to learn to self soothe. But a gentler way to do that is to nurse, rock, or some other calming activity until your baby is very drowsy. On a scale of one to ten lay your baby down when he or she is about 8. That way s/he is to tired to fight it and will hopefully sleep. Then you can slowly back up to the level of alertness if you choose or start at an even higher number if your baby is more difficult to get to sleep. Before you put baby to bed its also good to keep a bedtime routine for example bath, book, soothing massage, nursing, rocking. Or what ever you choose is best. But keep it consistent. Babies love predictablity.

Another thing about Ped's is they are constantly giving me (not sure about everyone else) bad information. I was told to start solid at 4 months. The reccomendation is now 6 months. My second daughter never wanted to sleep thru the night so at 7 months my Ped said to give her a whole bottle of cow's milk because that would keep her full. Every other problem she had could always somehow be linked to breastfeeding when I know that in most cases it that wasn't the case.

I'm very thankful that I educated my self in alot of parenting choices or I would have been forced to take every bit of parenting advice from our Pediatrician. Which in alot of cases wasn't right.

Answer 5

I understand that everyone does things differently, but this is one thing that I wouldn't do and do not agree with. While it might make things easier for you after the stress you cause your child.... I'd be more concerned about the long-term problems that have been linked to such parenting methods. Distrustful, insecure and depressed adults result from this type of insensitive parenting in my opinion. I would probably be one of the people giving your opinion a thumbs down. Feel free to do the same to me. Doesn't change my opinion that you and your pediatrician are wrong and that such practices ARE abusive.

Answer 6

I think the cry-it-out method is cruel. If you were calling out for me to help you, wouldn't you want me to show up? Your doc gave you bad advice. I would NEVER let my child cry for more than a few minutes. They stop crying because they think you have abandoned them. I laid down with my son until he went to sleep for a while, now, I sit by his bed. It is a few minutes out of my day to read to him and make him feel secure. If that's what it takes, then that's just part of my job as a parent. An attentive parent knows the difference between a child crying out and all-out crying. I don't run into his room with every little whimper, but I feel if my son is really crying it is my duty to care for him. My son is happy and secure. He's not clingy (like my SILs kids) or afraid of much of anything.
Docs don't know everything. I had a doc tell me that breastfeeding my son on a schedule was making him chubby. SO, I quit feeding him on a schedule. I almost LOST my mind. My son gained so much weight, the next doc I took him to almost put him on a diet! When she found out what he told me and what I had done, she said, put him back on the schedule for your sake and his. Immediately, he started going back to a normal weight and seemed more content.

No one put you down so WHY are you putting other answerers down???
I am NOT ignorant. I have read about the cry-it-out method and I don't think it is a positive way to help a child. I don't care HOW many times you go in there. Another problem with this method is that it is VERY misunderstood and there ARE people who will read a post recommending their baby cry-it-out who will put a child in a room, close the door and NOT GO BACK.

Answer 7

I do NOT agree with the cry-it-out method. You don't think it's abusive, but I disagree. A baby is a baby. A new human being learning whether or not it can rely upon others to meet it's needs when it's helpless. It's only method of communication is crying. So when it's cries are ignored it is, in my opinion, a form of emotional abuse and neglect. Your son gave up on you to meet his needs. There is a difference between "self-soothing" and being hopeless.

You have your opinion, obviously, and I do not agree with it.

Answer 8

The reason is because there are parenting books out there written by the likes of Dr. Spock and Dr. Sears that discourage it.

It's sort of like the subject of spanking. There are lots of people who believe in spanking and there are those that are aginst it. But if you leave a post supporting spanking, regarless of how good or correct the answer, there will be someone who is so against spanking in principal, that they will give that answer a thumbs down just because the writer advocated spanking.

So right or wrong, crying it out is old school according to these new-way thinking parenting books. So people who have read the books and have been convinced that these "new-school" ways are how you should raise your child are going to give thumbs down to people who post supporting "old-school" techniques of crying it out.

Answer 9

This is my opinion. Some people don't know when to draw the line when it comes to the 'cry it out' method. I used it with both of my children when I they were young, starting at 1 month of age. Yes ONE MONTH. There is no harm in letting a child learn to self sooth themselves. My children are now 1 and 2 years old and sleep perfectly. I think the difference is when parents allow their children to cry for long periods of time. Studies have shown that allowing an infant to cry for too long can have horrible development, emotional, and physical effects. So in my opinion, if you are going to do this type of method, just be wise about it. No baby should be left crying for long periods of time. The only thing they will learn from that is abandonment. But if you start out slow (maybe 5-10min) they will catch on that mommy or daddy is always near by and will come to them if needed.

Answer 10

Because it does not teach them anything positive.

It only teaches them that you are not there for them... I know there are so many who teach this, preach this style of baby care... but psychologically/emotionally/developmentally it is not good - at best is is neutral.

""The cry is not just a sound; it's a signal – designed for the survival of the baby and development of the parents. By not responding to the cry, babies and parents lose. Here's why. In the early months of life, babies cannot verbalize their needs. To fill in the gap until the child is able to "speak our language," babies have a unique language called "crying." Baby senses a need, such as hunger for food or the need to be comforted when upset, and this need triggers a sound we call a cry. Baby does not ponder in his little mind, "It's 3:00 a.m. and I think I'll wake up mommy for a little snack." No! That faulty reasoning is placing an adult interpretation on a tiny infant. Also, babies do not have the mental acuity to figure out why a parent would respond to their cries at three in the afternoon, but not at three in the morning. The newborn who cries is saying: "I need something; something is not right here. Please make it right." .....

Baby loses trust in the signal value of his cry – and perhaps baby also loses trust in the responsiveness of his caregivers. Not only does something vital go "out" of baby, an important ingredient in the parent- child relationship goes "out" of parents: sensitivity. When you respond intuitively to your infant's needs, as you practice this cue- response listening skill hundreds of times in the early months, baby learns to cue better (the cries take on a less disturbing and more communicative quality as baby learns to "talk better"). On the flip side of the mother-infant communication, you learn to read your infant's cries and respond appropriately (meaning when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and how fast). In time you learn the ultimate in crying sensitivity: to read baby's body language and respond to her pre-cry signals so baby doesn't always have to cry to communicate her needs. """ http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051200.asp#T051205

there is so much more... that is only one site... pediatricians are not always right... many still recommend formula over breastfeeding to solve sleep problems - they're regular people with some education on medical stuff... not parenting issues!! see a child development specialist, a child behavioral therapist, a child psychologist... ask them about cry it out, not your child's medical doctor.

there are other ways of teaching children to sleep soundly.

Answer 11

Why, because they are young for a short time...cuddle them, love them and hold your baby when she cries. You won't regret it in the long run. I NEVER let my babies cry it out and now they are well adjusted little kids Doctors DON'T know everything and their advise is not written in stone. They don't know your child like you do and if a mother and father want to co-sleep or be near their child when they are sleeping it is not a crime. Some babies sleep well on their own and others need that extra warmth and love for a good sleep.