ok if both biological parents share joint custody and both very involved in their child life where do i fall in? Is there certain things/events that i should stay out of(dr. appts/school conferences) and leave to my husband and his ex to deal with? Since my stepson's mom is very in the picture and involved in his life what can i do to make sure i don't over step my bondries and upset her?
2007-09-23 15:00:01 · 18 answers · asked by joanne j 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well yes, its the mother and the fathers jobs to take care of the kids. You are basically just a playmate.
2007-09-23 15:05:19 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 4⤋
Just take it slow.. take time to get to know your stepson.. make right now all about bonding, and getting to know everyone's place in the family... for now, any issues you have, wait to talk privately with your husband... he has a special place in his life and in his heart for you.. but it will take a little time to find out what it is exactly .. for my stepson, he loved how I made a huge to-do over every holiday and birthday and made up silly "special days" in which I'd decorate the house and have a "it's nobody's birthday day" and how I would spend hours sitting around the table helping him with homework.. instead of trying to get him to understand the basics of math - I'd break out the m&m's and say okay, now show me 4 + 4 and such... He needed that in his life.. and I fulfilled that role... I continued to "tutor" him through High School, and there came a point, where several times his Mom would call me over this or that and we would work out a plan together... There is a special place for you ... just give it time, patience, love and understanding.. you will find it together. :) Best of luck... it's not easy, but it is worth it!
Oh, and by the way, you are more than a playmate.. grr...
And, doctor's appointments - I left to Mom and Dad unless someone needed me to be there too... P/T conferences - for Mom and Dad.. Graduation / Awards ceremonies - I was there.. sitting in the audience... Football games, etc.. there in the audience.. Funny - His mom's mom would often hold my hand and cry - like at Graduation.. ;)
2007-09-23 15:11:12 · answer #2 · answered by Wildflower 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is a sticky situation.
Honestly, you should probably direct this question to step-moms instead of bio-moms, lol.
In all honesty, the beginning is going to be awkward. When my husband and I first got married I was very reluctant to discipline his daughter, and I was basically a play mate. DO NOT let people tell you that you are just a playmate, because that is NOT true, NOT AT ALL. You *should* form a relationship with this child, and he will look up to you, and more than likely view you as a parental figure.
As I said, I was reluctant to discipline my step-daughter toward the beginning. I bit my tongue when I was uncomfortable, and it REALLY put a strain on our marriage. Finally, my husband and I had a talk about what is right for US. When your step-child is in your home, his biological mother really doesn't have a say. When he is in YOUR home, you do get a say in what is right and wrong. Am I telling you to be mean to this boy? Not at all. And I would HOPE that any father would not put up with the stereotypical 'evil stepmother' anyway.
I can honestly say that once I took a step up and talked with my husband about our *roles* in our house, and finally started to discipline my step-daughter, it helped my relationship with her as well. I can tell that she looks up to me more, AND feels more secure with me. Children don't like being punished, but even though they don't realize it, they DO like having boundaries. It gives them a sense of security when you are there to tell them right from wrong.
This is a big step, and whatever role you decide to take in your step-child's life WILL effect him. So definitely talk to your husband and see what he thinks. You are now married to him, and that child is now your responsibility too. I don't see how it would be a problem for you to go to dr appointments or school meetings.....but you don't necessarily have to go to ALL of them. And any sort of event (sports, etc..) is COMPLETELY different. You are free to go to any and ALL of those. And if the mother is as involved and caring about her child as you say, then she will not only appreciate, but probably WELCOME you to get involved in her child's life.
2007-09-23 16:11:39 · answer #3 · answered by jezyka 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a stepmother myself, I know what you are going through. I share a great relationship with my stepdaughter, and here's a few tips that have worked for me: At first just step back, have fun and enjoy your time with your stepson, build a relationship with him and get to know each other. Once you have your relationship established, it will be easier to navigate through everything else. I left most of the "parenting" to my husband, but it definately helps to talk to your spouse to let him know how you're feeling, and he should fill you in on what his expectations are. I don't ever try to step in on these situations you mention unless I am asked, but I do let it be known that I am more than happy and willing to be a part of it if needed. My relationship with my husband's ex has become a very civil one, and I have very often been asked to help out with certain situations that I didn't think I would. For the most part, let them take the lead, but don't be afraid to be a parent when needed, if you feel he needs disciplined, find a light way to address him, or just mention to your husband the situation so that he can address it. If you make it be known that you are willing to take part, then they will call on you when needed, and that way you're not stepping on anyone's toes or running the risk of being accused of not doing enough, promise.
2007-09-23 15:19:27 · answer #4 · answered by Mommy_1030 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hello, I have been in your shoes before. I have also been in the mother's shoes, actually I currently am. What I really appreciated was when the new wife came and talked to me about this. Every person is different in regards to their children. Some people really don't want you messing with "their" kids, while others enjoy the fact that you really want to be involved and want what's best for the child(ren). I would try to contact her and your husband and see if you could set up a time to talk with BOTH of them so that you could get everyone's opinions on where you fit into the picture.
I hope this helps.
2007-09-23 15:14:52 · answer #5 · answered by mystry72 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When the child is at your and your husband's home you have every right to be a part of this childs rearing, when they are at the mothers house she is in charge. Big decision's dr. appts/school etc. these should be left to the parents but if you married this man because you love him you love all of him his childs too, and you are a part of his life and that includes the welfare of his child too. Take a stand now or as the child ages they will realize you have no say and they will walk all over you or just ignore you, teach them to respect you now or you will be in trouble later.
2007-09-23 15:11:21 · answer #6 · answered by nomo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this situation is a tricky one. if you don't appear to be involved then you can be accused of not caring. if you get too involved you will be accused of trying to take the mother's place.
i think you are going to have to play this by ear. both parents are extremely involved in the child's life so you do not have to worry about the child neglecting a missing parents love.
so i would say, for events like school plays and graduations, though you may want to be there, let your husband or child invite you to come and even then you are going to have to play it safe in the background.
don't push and demand to be part of that relationship because everyone involved will feel like you are being overwhelming.
2007-09-23 15:25:31 · answer #7 · answered by karMA_DAME 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
follow your husband's lead, and fully expect him to back you up if the ex-wife has problems. If he wants you to do certain things for his children, do it (as long as YOU are okay with it), but your hubby needs to understand if the ex-wife has a problem with your actions, him and her discuss this and come to an agreement and keep you OUT of it. DON'T get involved in that relationship. Just make sure you get the hubby's okay on things you are not sure if it's okay to do. As a step-mom myself, I beg you not to listen to those who tell you you have no authority or that you are just a playmate. If you and your husband go into it with that attitude, your marriage will not last, because you will grow resentful. Don't worry about pleasing the ex-wife, you will never be able to do it - just please your husband and be the type of mother figure he wants you to be to his child.
2007-09-23 15:10:12 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sit down and talk to the both of them. When you took on the father you took on the son. If anything should happen to the both of them he's all yours so share in the sorrows and the joys with all your heart. mean the child well and the mother will eventually appreciate it. The father, your husband, will too.
2007-09-23 15:10:20 · answer #9 · answered by Carrie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think it would best if you ask her....there is a big difference when it comes to doctor appts & school conferences then sporting events, and birthdays parties, you sound like a great person , not many step moms would even care enough if they hurt the real moms feelings... your husband can help with the dicisions if you are not comfortable talking tom her.
2007-09-23 15:10:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can ask her exactly what you asked us. Taking this to her will show a huge amount of respect on your part. Let her know that you want to be involved but you in no way want to overstep your boundaries. If she is as reasonable as you sound things will go well. Let her know that you are there to support her and her ex in any way you can. You sound like a model step mom, such a rare thing!
2007-09-23 15:07:38 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋