If you are a gay male, do you find that you had a strained or even NO relationship with your dad?

Question

I'm finding with my gay, male friends, that they didn't have much of a relationship with their dad...either not a good one or just a neglectful one. I'm wondering if this is something common.

If you are a gay male, do you find that you had a strained or even NO relationship with your dad?
I'm finding with my gay, male friends, that they didn't have much of a relationship with their dad...either not a good one or just a neglectful one. I'm wondering if this is something common. I'm not saying it's the CAUSE of sexual preference because I believe people are BORN with it. I just wonder if it's common....

Answer 1

In my experience, almost every single person I know has daddy issues. Honestly, I have never met someone who DID have a good relationship with their father. So yes, this IS common, but it is common among society in general--not just gay guys. However, I can see where you're coming from, and I believe that a gay male might have a more strained relationship with his father than if he were straight simply because the typical man is "macho," and most would have a hard time coming to grips with a gay child. Straight men simply aren't as loving as mothers are, for a mother loves her child unconditionally--a straight man has no qualms about feeling shame because of his child. (Notice how I said "straight" man...in my experience, gay men are a lot nicer.)

Me? Oh, you bet I have issues with my father! To this day, he is the only living thing on this planet that I can truly say I hate with every fiber of my being. Let me tell you my life story in a nutshell...

Ever since I was young, I had always felt like I was just short of living up to my father's expectations--I NEVER felt love or pride from him, and still don't to this day. My father is a die-hard sports fan, so when I was younger, I tried every single sport known to man just to please my father, hoping that if I became a jock he'd love me. I failed miserably at all of them. One day, I finally give up and resign myself to a life of feeling unworthy in my father's eyes.

Then, several years ago, I moved to Florida and discovered--hey, I DO have talent! The only problem was, it was in acting and singing. Not exactly his cup of tea. Before I even hit puberty, my father was calling me a f-g. He would say he was proud of me after a show, but I never believed him. I HATED knowing he was in the audience because the entire time I could just feel him thinking to himself, "God, why does my son have to be such a fruit?" So, by about 7th grade, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I feel worthless, not just in my father's eyes, but in worthless to everyone else around me as well. I never felt accepted.

So, when I finally DO hit puberty, imagine my surprise when I find out, "Gee, my dad was right--I AM gay!" Of course, I freaked out, and started blaming him. Maybe him telling me for a year and half that I was gay had actually MADE me gay, but after much thinking, I got past that and realized that it's simply who I've always been. However, this still made me only feel like a bigger disappointment in my father's eyes.

Last year, my mother and I found out he was cheating on her with a girl who was three years younger than his oldest son from a previous marriage. All at once, we found out he had been hiding money from us, stealing from my college fund, among many other things...and his true nature finally came to the fore when he abandoned my mom and I, leaving us both in financial panic, despite the fact that we both BEGGED him to stay despite all he had put us through. But he left anyway.

Some of the hateful things he would say to me, my mom, and my mom's oldest son from a previous marriage...it was sick. The marriage of 18 years, in fact, had been founded on my father's compulsive lying. At this point, he decided it was fun to toy with our emotions. He'd tell us both he was sorry and loved us, then he would do something cruel and nasty.

Finally, two months ago, when I was talking to him on the phone, I ended it. He was on a mad rant about how much HIS life sucked, all the pain WE had put him through...the absurd way he twisted everything around was sickening. Once he started insulting me and my family again, I just told him this: "Dad, I'm going to say something to you that I've been wanting to say for a long time. F*ck you." I hung up the phone, and I haven't spoken to him or seen him since--and I hope I never do again.

But through it, it has made me a better person--it has given me a perfect example of what NOT to become, and every single person I know who has had an abusive father (which is most of them) will agree that that is their primary lesson. I believe that my generation will be great parents, because every single peer I have has had the same issues with their fathers. I don't know if it truly is a trend among the generation previous to mine, but whatever it is, it has helped raise a generation of people that will make excellent parents because of what theirs taught them: what NOT to be...

...I just find it sad that they had to teach us by setting NON-examples instead of GOOD examples...that really speaks louder than words.

PS--I apologize for giving my life story, I sometimes go off on tangents and don't realize how much I've said!

Answer 2

Research has proved there is no connection between strained relationships with dads with being gay. On the contrary in a society with a divorce rate as high as it is... its not surprising that it might create that appearance of a connection. Many gay men come from very healthy 2 parent homes and had very good relationships with their dad...at least until dad knew of their sexuality.... and it's at that point many gays have father issues.

Answer 3

I had a great relationship with my dad. It is as common among straight men to have a strained relationship or NO relationship with their dads as it is for gay men. No connection there, sorry. Try again.

Answer 4

Nope, Dad and I got a long just fine. He never knew that I'm gay, he died before the family found out.

Answer 5

I was with my mother the better part of my life, she took me from my father when I was 3 years old. I have not heard, seen nor know if my father is still alive as we (mother & me) have moved to so many places on this planet, I lost intrest in trying to find him.

Answer 6

Well, to be honest, I find that my relationship with my dad could be better. But its seems to be getting better. I doubt that is reason for me being gay.

Answer 7

After I came out my relationship with my father became strained, at least ,and at most, hostile

Answer 8

No I had a great relationship with my Dad.He is 100% straight redneck and he dont really care for my lifestyle.But he dont let it show ever.

Answer 9

I had a great relationship with both my parents, both happily married. And with my younger brother, and older exchange-student brother we hosted for several years, both straight.

Answer 10

No. I had a good relationship with my father.