the intro into a story can be the most important part. i want to see if this flows well. let me know
My son, Franklin Eric Dawes, was born in a Memphis hospital in July of 1973 just before dawn. I considered giving him up to a family that could afford to give him a good life, where he could grow up with both a mother and father and maybe a tire swing in the backyard. In the end though, I just couldn't do it.
He was mine, and i was going to keep him. I would just have to figure out the rest as I went.
His father was long gone and living in Washington by the time he was born. He had made it abundantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with a child. His feeble attempt at responsibility came as a red-faced offer to pay for an abortion, which I refused. We never spoke again after that....
so, does this make you want to read on?
2007-09-23 13:37:23 · 3 answers · asked by amanda c 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Not bad. One problem as I see it. Too many "he's" and in one sentence it is confusing.
His father was long gone and living in Washington by the time he was born.
Sounds like his father was living in Washington by the time he was born. Use the boy's name in there and it reads much better.
His father was long gone and living in Washington by the time Franklin was born.
Otherwise it is nicely written in what is clearly your "voice". Pax - C
2007-09-23 13:48:04 · answer #1 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it - a lot. Excellent writing.
My only suggestion - add a little "hook", for example perhaps some vague foreshadowing, to drag the reader in even more.
2007-09-23 13:45:41 · answer #2 · answered by johnslat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes - it sounds authentic and heartfelt. I want to get to know this person and the relationship she has with her son.
It's well written, interesting - looking forward to the book.
2007-09-23 13:45:46 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋