My college essay what do you think?

Question

my college essay what do you think so far? what do you think the university will think? do i have any errors??? please let me know


When I look at this picture of myself, I realize how much I’ve grown and changed, not only physically, but also mentally as a person In the last couple of years. Less than one month after this photograph was taken, I arrived at North Shore Community College without any idea of what to expect. Around me in this picture are the things which were most important in my life at the time:
I will strive to be a tremendous asset to Northeastern University by devoting all my time to becoming an excellent student. I believe that I am obligated to use my talents in a constructive manner, in a manner that benefits society. The medical career gives me the unique opportunity to express my many talents while benefiting human life.


Going to a medical school and earning a degree has always been a dream of mine. My life, like many others has seen and been through times of sorrow. I have watched one loves in pain, with uncertainty of their future. Just recently a long lost Uncle has reappeared in the lives of my family. Glad to see him him back but, I'm sad and worried about is life. He has been diagnosed with throat cancer, and must under go chemotherapy. Watching his struggles urges me to learn more about steps into recovery and how I can be of help. Cancer rates are at large tacking away to many people too soon.

I believe that my ability to improve and expand my communication skills since I was constantly meeting numerous people which makes me well suited to pursue a medical career. I also consider myself a "people" person. As a sales consultant, I interact and communicate with a variety of people thereby expanding my ability to discuss a wide range of topics. Because people constantly disclosed their personal issues to me, I learned to become not only a good conversationalist, but also an excellent listener. In medical school, I also plan to pursue side work like Volunteering. One of my most rewarding experiences has been helping patients as a Personal Care Attendant.
I am Highly motivated to succeed, I dramatically improved my grades following a time at North Shore Community College. In the past year I have learned a lot through my experiences and relationships. I’ve realized that I was trying so much to make everyone else happy that I wasn’t keeping myself and my interests in mind at times when I should have. Once I realized what goal i wanted to pursue in my life, i plan to work hard to succeed in achieving this goal.
I have been diligent in my pursuit of medicine as a career because I am convinced that medicine offers me the opportunity to live a fulfilling, rewarding life dedicated to helping others. I will enter medicine eager to learn. Attending Northeastern University would be one of the greatest rewards for my motivation and persistence for success.

Answer 1

-No need to say "not only physically," doesn't seem relevant or even make sense.
-"most important in my life at the time:"--why the colon?
-Say simply instead "I will be an asset to Northeastern..."
-Don't say "obligated." That implies no choice. You're not going to be a slave to your altruism.

I'm rewriting the rest of it for you as my suggestions, because it has too many things that I would revise.

Getting a medical degree has always been my dream. I have watched loved ones struggle with pain and uncertainty of their future. For example, just recently, my uncle was diagnosed with throat cancer, and must now undergo (one word) chemotherapy. Experiencing his illness as an observing family member has inspired me to learn how to help people in similar situations.

My experience as a sales consultant has helped me develop better communication skills than I would have previously imagined. I interact and communicate with a variety of people, some of whom have challenged me to expand my ability to discuss a wide range of topics. Mine was a position that allowed me to listen as some clients disclosed even personal issues to me. In these instances, it became my job to be a very attentive listener.

The past two years have cultivated a true motivation to succeed in the medical field. I have been diligent in my pursuit of medicine as a career because I am convinced that medicine offers the opportunity to live a fulfilling, rewarding life dedicated to helping others. I will enter medicine eager to learn. Attending Northeastern University would be one of the greatest opportunities to further my motivation and persistence for success.

Answer 2

wow, its a really great essay, i liked the part where you added a personal story about your uncle.

I'm only a sophmore in hs, but I also want to go to a medical school, but it looks great! I hope you get accepted :)

Answer 3

seems very touching. I like it.