Is this a lame poem, haha?

Question

The air seems so tranquil and yet upsetting
you listen quietly for a very slight lullaby
only to listen carefully and here a murmuring
listening you just sit, listen, and finally cry
how can something so beautiful be nevermore
a tree in the light is still a tree at night
dont let your imagination drape you in horror
you can look once or twice but you dont lose sight
something so passionate and lovely turns cruel
the things you hear are full of hateful treachery
you remember memories and feel like a fool
moments that were golden now fall into memory
you sit in a corner hiding and biding some time
who wants to face something so twisted and black
when they can imagine good in there little mind
not able to think and wishing a switch to your back
knowing its over every tender moment that was kind

Answer 1

It's alright, but it's kind of lacking a little direction I feel... It's a bit hard to get much of a picture with this, no matter how brilliant the meaning. Plus you tried to rhyme but it didn't really work...

Your sentences were too long to get a rhyme most of the time. Plus you don't seem to know how you want to rhyme. I mean it seems like your trying to rhyme 'black' and 'back', as well as 'mind' and 'kind' in your last few lines. But you don't have that through the rest of the poem...

I think you have a good idea, a good thought/'subject' to go with here, but you need to figure out what you wanna do with this idea. Where you it to go, how you want it to get there and just what the idea actually is. What the essences of it is, maybe.

Once you have that, you can write knowing what your writing, how you are going writing it and how you want it to come out. Without that, you really just can't write, ya know?

Again, I like the concept, I like the idea, but it had a poor execution in m opinion for such a brilliant idea.

Luck to you.

Answer 2

I wouldn't rank among the best I've read, but it certainly is not lame. Actually it's not bad at all. Biggest problem was my tendency to see the words as rambling a little, but it wasn't bad enough to say nasty things about it. Keep writing, they do get better over time.

Answer 3

Ease up on the damaging cracks.. this is a poem this is lovable. From the lovable poems we write in youth and teen years comes the flexibility to proceed turning out to be better with our writing skills..

Answer 4

Not at all. very nice - touching.

I hope you'll give me feedback on mine:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AnZpasu0d75XU8p6jVyGhFlp.Bd.;_ylv=3?qid=20070923165606AAKjSBf